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Topic: If a lawyer wrote the Night Before Christmas (Read 375 times) |
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burnt-toast
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If a lawyer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« on: Dec 8th, 2005, 7:16pm » |
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The Night Before Christmas - It just wouldn't be the same if written by Lawyers
On or about one night prior to December 25, 2004 there occurred at a lawfully deeded, improved parcel of real property (hereinafter "the House" ) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to small rodents.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed on and/or around the chimney of said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick (AKA St. Nicholas and/or Santa Claus), (hereinafter "Claus" ) would arrive at a yet undetermined time.
Minor residents of the aforementioned House, located in individual beds engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, wherein visions of treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, reportedly danced, cavorted or otherwise appeared. (For record; the correct medical term for these hallucinations is dreaming, hallucinations were not the result of illegal drug use or other illegal activities by residents and/or guests.
Whereupon the party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as "I" ), being joint-owner in fee simple of the House had retired for a sustained period of sleep with party of the second part (hereinafter "Ma’ma" ) clad in various headwear, e.g. kerchief and cap. Full apparel worn by aforementioned parties is not of importance at this time.
Without prior notice or warning, there occurred on or about the lawn, an unimproved portion of real property adjacent to the House, a disruption of unknown nature (hereinafter “clatter” ). The party of the first part rushed to a window to investigate the cause of said clatter which violated noise ordinances for houses located in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned house. (For Record; to properly observe, the party of the first part was required to throw up the sash i.e., open a window violently causing permanent physical harm for which treatment is currently received and rights to seek future compensation are reserved).
The party of the first part observed, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "Vehicle" ), in reality a full sized Vehicle observed at a distance making it appear to be miniature, pulled and/or drawn rapidly through the air by approximately eight ( 8 ) reindeer. The driver appearing to be, and in fact was Claus. (For Record; Party or the first part was not egaged in nocturnal hallucinations as were minor residents of said house and observations did not result from illegal drug use or any other illegal activities)
Said Claus provided direction/instruction or guidance to the reindeer specifically identifying his animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer" ). (On reliable information it is further asserted that an additional reindeer using the name "Rudolph" may have been involved.
The party of the first part witnessed Claus willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located in the immediate vicinity of the House, and noted that said Vehicle was heavily laden with packages and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, without either express or implied permission and/or concent, the Vehicle stopped on the roof of said House. (For Record; potential damages caused by said “full sized” Vehicle and eight or nine reindeer will not be known until early spring when a roof inspection can be completed. Rights to seek future compensation are reserved). Clause entered said House via the chimney. An investigation into this entry, i.e., negligent or criminal trespass is active to determine if statutes limiting the time in which charges can be brought against Clause apply.
Said Claus was clad in a red suit, partially covered with residue from the chimney and/or chimney’s through which trespass may have occurred. He carried a large sack containing undisclosed portions of the aforementioned packages and other items of unknown origin or nature. He was smoking what may or may not have been tobacco in a pipe in defiance of a strict “No-Smoking” policy imposed by legal owners of said house.
Without speaking, Claus quickly filled the foot apparel affixed on and/or around the chimney with toys and other small items. (For Record; said items were issued to minors and no evidence indicates that the rightful guardians approved receipt, therefore they do not constitute "gifts" and are not subject to any provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of said tasks, Claus touched the side of his nose and rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House, where the Deer may have waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed to other houses in the immediate vicinity said house and then unknown destinations.
Prior to the departure of Claus from said House, the party of the first part reported hearing Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that effect, in violation of well known (although unwritten and un-adopted) regulations requiring Christmas to hereinafter be referred to as “Winter Holiday”
Disclaimer:
Composed from material taken from various sources and thoroughly bastardized.
Tom
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| « Last Edit: Dec 10th, 2005, 9:49pm by burnt-toast » |
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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Sandy_C
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Burn that bra!
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #1 on: Dec 8th, 2005, 7:30pm » |
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LMAO - this is really clever! Thanks
Sandy
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Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
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Annette_Emond
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #2 on: Dec 8th, 2005, 7:47pm » |
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Quote: Claus immediately departed to other the vicinity and then unknown destinations.
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And the whole case will be thrown out of court because this is an gramattically incorrect sentence 
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Happiness runs in a circular motion..
you can sometimes come back around to what you thought was done.
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burnt-toast
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #3 on: Dec 9th, 2005, 8:33am » |
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on Dec 8th, 2005, 7:47pm, Annette_Emond wrote:
And the whole case will be thrown out of court because this is an gramattically incorrect sentence
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Damn, legal system. Now I'll have to revise and go to appeals.  
Tom
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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E-Double
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Are we ourselves?
  
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #4 on: Dec 9th, 2005, 9:25am » |
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Quote:| Claus immediately departed to other the vicinity and then unknown destinations |
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on Dec 8th, 2005, 7:47pm, Annette_Emond wrote:And the whole case will be thrown out of court because this is an gramattically incorrect sentence
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So is the above statement 
Try this one.....
on Dec 8th, 2005, 7:47pm, Annette_Emond wrote:The whole case will be thrown out of court because that sentence was gramattically incorrect
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This teacher wants a granny smith apple on his desk on Monday 
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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burnt-toast
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #5 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 6:43am » |
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You mean I had an opportunity to launch a return volley and missed it?
I'm slippin'
Case of Granny S's on the way E-Double.
Tom
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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BobG
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #6 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 2:14pm » |
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I would like to say to you all “Merry Christmas” but have post this warning first.
Fuckin’ Supreme Court
From me ("the Wishor" to you ("the Wishee"
Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the Wishee.
The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms:
1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
3. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
6. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" “Santa Claus” or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
Ok, now I can say it “Merry Christmas”.
Kinda lost something, didn't it?
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cathy
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #7 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 2:50pm » |
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Grammatically it only has one t....
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My own tears would mean nothing to me, if I could stop you from just shedding one....
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jimmers
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Re: If a lawer wrote the Night Before Christmas
« Reply #8 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 5:17pm » |
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Hey Tom,
What the hell is a Lawer?
HH,
Jimmers
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I don't suffer from INSANITY; I'm enjoying every minute of it!
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