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Topic: Dear Santa... (Read 525 times) |
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Donna_D.
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Dear Santa...
« on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 9:46am » |
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Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll,
I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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Donna_D.
CH.com Alumnus
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #1 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 9:54am » |
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You can write your own twisted letter to Santa at this link.
http://www.wtv-zone.com/LadyBoheme/dearsanta.html
To get the letter you have to turn off your popup blocker for a moment.
It is funny!!
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Jasmyn
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #2 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 10:42am » |
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Donna, I mean Barbie, women have rights now, you don't have to wear velcro and nylon up your butt anymore and well... Ken looks too happy to be a real man! 
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| « Last Edit: Dec 3rd, 2005, 10:43am by Jasmyn » |
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Jazz
Madness is proclaimed by society’s inability to accept its own infallibility
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Kevin_M
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #3 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 11:04am » |
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Barbie,
Listen up you old has-been wench. The little Bratz dolls have been kicking your @ss to Misfit Island now for two years. It is only because of me you still have a job around here. And by the way, where's my coffee?
You talk about breast reduction. I was thinking more along the line of pay reduction. Options? You want options? How about burger-flipping Barbie or GED Barbie? Your co-ed Barbie days were a complete flop, you were lucky I made a large donation to the school.
As for men, if it wasn't for your blonde hair and other assets, Ken would have given you a phoney number a long time ago.
We will continue to offer you a job but it will of course not include a TALKING Barbie. Perhaps a paint-your-fingernails Barbie, so you have something to hang onto your job with.
I've cleared space on my calender in mid-January after the Christmas figures come in regarding your popularity. We will alter you as we see fit. For now, get out there and sell your @ss!
Santa (no option) Clause
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maffumatt
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I wonder what Kens santa letter reads like?
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Kevin_M
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #5 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 12:55pm » |
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on Dec 3rd, 2005, 11:10am, maffumatt wrote:| I wonder what Kens santa letter reads like? |
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Santa,
Thank you for the very lucrative offer to come back again on a part-time and limited basis. The contract renewal bonus, thousands of stock options, new Corvette, beachside villa, Aspen lodge and Manhatten penthouse are all very enticing.
As you know I've moved on from my earlier days of you paying me large sums to escort Barbie around so she would appear successful attached to my coattails, but my fashion company I've lent my name to, Kenneth Cole, has been extremely profitable. However, if you need me again to give Barbie that lift from the edge of obscurity now, I'd be glad to help such a benevolent and child-loving person such as yourself. I'll consider it charity work in the service of Santa.
My best to the little lady.
Ken
Ken,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't know what this means to me to have you on board with us for this never-ending problematic Barbie project. To cement our good-will with each other, I'll throw in tickets to the winter Olympics with full accomondations and air travel.
Knew I could count on you Ken.
Thanks again,
Santa
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| « Last Edit: Dec 3rd, 2005, 1:01pm by Kevin_M » |
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Kevin_M
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #6 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 1:35pm » |
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From the Mattel 2004 Annual Report:
Our operating income from 2004 declined by 7% from the prior year. There were two primary drivers behind this decline. The first was the sales mix toward lower margin product lines, including our strategic decision to add more "value in the box," like clothing and accessories, with every doll in our Barbie line. And second was cost increases , primarily driven by higher oil prices impacting our cost of resin and transportation.
We have identified two overarching goals for the year: first, to drive growth globally, by continuing to turn the Barbie brand around...
This year, the Barbie lineup builds on our momentum from 2004 as we continue to focus on our age segmentation strategy, based on the principle that Barbie changes as girls change and grow. Within each segment - younger girl, transitional girl and older girl - we offer a variety of product lines with age-appropriate content.
As interests of girls continue to evolve, so will Barbie, by building content around the characters and play patterns unique to each segment, connecting with girls of all ages and providing a deeper, richer play experience.
The Barbie American Idol line and the first-ever spring movie from Barbie "Fairytopia" should be early favorites with girls. Beyond a girl's connection with the doll, Barbie continues to provide positive imagery to girls and creative outlets to build their confidence, self-esteem and independence..
Another consumer insight is knowing how girls connect and relate to each other, for example, through fashion. With our Barbie apparel lines, we've made clothing so cool that a girl's friends take notice.
Barbie:
Best selling toy of all time.
#1 toy for each of our top five retailers.
#1 girls global entertainment property, (Forbes ranking)
#1 girls licensed brand.
#1 girls website with 55 million visits a month.
(I think I heard somewhere Ken might be back in the picture since she has dropped her boogie-board boyfriend.)
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| « Last Edit: Dec 4th, 2005, 12:08am by Kevin_M » |
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Miklos
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #7 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 9:18pm » |
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Ummm. not to be too personal, but what the hell have you been smoking?
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sandie99
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #8 on: Dec 4th, 2005, 9:58am » |
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on Dec 3rd, 2005, 9:46am, Donna_D. wrote:Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll,
I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie |
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Melissa
Guest
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at Chelsea's Christmas party. It was Jennifer who spiked the punch with too much Cosmpolitan. I can't help it if I drank 17 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like peppermint.
I thought it was funny when I put Kelly's socks on my head and danced the funky chicken on the mushroom chair while singing `Sexual Healing'. I didn't mean to break Chelsea's pager and don't know why Chelsea would sue me for jaywalking.
I don't remember calling Jeff's wife a hot cow---even though she looked like one with green eye shadow and blue lipstick!
And when I threw up on Juanita's husband's elbow, it was only because I ate too much of that lobster.
After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my Toyota through my neighbor's bathroom. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a shiny horse and have me arrested for bigomy!
So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all glittery and fluffy. And I'm really not to blame for any of this slimey stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!
Sincerely and quickly yours,
Melissa (Really a nice girl!)
P.S. It's only 79 bucks!
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Kevin_M
CH.com Alumnus
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withered branches grow green again.
Gender:
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Re: Dear Santa...
« Reply #10 on: Dec 4th, 2005, 1:06pm » |
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Dear Melissa,
I understand the circumstances that brought about your predicament. With so many little elves around here, Mrs Claus keeps the punch bowl in sight, too many lampshades turned up missing.
I will keep you on the good girls list for now, but promise me no driving when the Christmas cheer is the cheeriest. Good girls don't visit neighbors at night through the bathroom window. This is why I check my list twice.
Santa
ps. Santa doesn't bring money honey, but you'll be home by Chistmas.
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| « Last Edit: Dec 4th, 2005, 1:08pm by Kevin_M » |
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