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Topic: New Rules!!!!!! (Read 381 times) |
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Ghost
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New Rules!!!!!!
« on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:36am » |
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1) New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2) New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain... trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3) New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
4) New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Oka! y, we're done.
5) New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
6) New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the not a very nice person. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge not a very nice person.
7) New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it ! doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
 New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
9) New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
10) New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white-people version of looting.
11) New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy ! is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
12) New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
13) New Rule: Goats have stiff legs not upper lips.  
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:44am » |
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on Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:36am, Ghost wrote:
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
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I'm practicing for the gold medal. 
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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pattik
CH.com Alumnus
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:49am » |
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on Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:36am, Ghost wrote:
6) New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the not a very nice person. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," |
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I would take issue with JUST this one, Goatie. Going to Starbucks is the definitive way to improve one's decision making abilities:
small-medium-large
regular-latte-cappuccino-iced-mocha
regular-lowfat
here or to go
room for cream(or milk) or not..
regular or decaf.
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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Jimi
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:54am » |
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Ghost, you are my kinda guy. I knew I liked you.
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Sandy_C
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Burn that bra!
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 12:52pm » |
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on Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:36am, Ghost wrote: 1) New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
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And the hottest cheerleader is the one who married the captain of the football team immediately after graduation, had her "premie" baby three months later, had two more babies within two years, divorced, remarried and had baby #4, divorced, remarried and had baby #5, divorced again. She now weighs about 250, lives in a double-wide, waiting for one son, to get out of prison for selling drugs, and raising two grandchildren because their mother, the cheerleader's number one daughter, who dropped out of high school and has never been married, took off with some guy and no one knows where she is.
Do I want to go to a reunion? Nah.
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Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
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Sandy_C
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Burn that bra!
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #5 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 12:53pm » |
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And, PS
Who are you? Ghost or Goat? Thought you changed your name. Wassa matta? CHenz get to ya?
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Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
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LeLimey
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #6 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 1:00pm » |
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neener neener neener.. Sandy told YOU what for Goatie!! Way to go sis!
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Ghost
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 1:07pm » |
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Actually changing to goat was a cave in but I came to my senses, well sort of ...
CHenz started gettin too big headed thinking they finially one upped a CHock!
Sorry ladies but gotcha
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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maffumatt
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three most important rules of them all
1. Watch your back
2. cover your ass
3. Don't assume anything, ever
Follow these three rules and you can get through life pretty easy
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Melissa
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on Dec 2nd, 2005, 1:07pm, Ghost wrote:
CHenz started gettin too big headed thinking they finially one upped a CHock CHicken!
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Fixed it for you.
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #10 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 2:55pm » |
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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BobG
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #11 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 5:34pm » |
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Quote:| What's next, competitive farting? |
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Well, there's Extreem Arena Paintball.
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sandie99
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #12 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 8:47am » |
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You know, back here in Finland we have few interesting competitions:
- carrying women
- killing mosquitos
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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maffumatt
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dont you northerners do some strange sports with stones and rocks? Curling I think is one of them, and I might be wrong but I think I say some Finnish guy on TV once throwing bolders in competition?
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pattik
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #14 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 11:24am » |
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Curling is WAY cool---its a Scottish thing. I was on a team in highschool. Great winter fun! This is a pic from our olympic team.
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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Charlie
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #15 on: Dec 3rd, 2005, 5:30pm » |
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I like Curling. I lived around the corner from the Utica, NY Curling Club. Fun to watch and its members were the yuppiest humans I've ever met. I don't think I was all that welcome there but they probably figured that they had to be nice or I'd trash their BMWs.
On Bill Maher's New Rules feature, he had a bit about the Jesus Jolly types that got all hot and bothered about Starbucks inclusion of a saying by a gay poet or something on coffee cups. He said that anyone ordering the goofier Starbuck creations is already gay. 
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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Opus
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Re: New Rules!!!!!!
« Reply #16 on: Dec 4th, 2005, 1:34am » |
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on Dec 2nd, 2005, 11:36am, Ghost wrote: 1) New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
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Wrong, new rule:
Stop using IE, get Firefox and add the Fasterfox and the NoScript extensions. Now no more popups.
I'm glad you changed back, now I no longer thing of you as goatse. That's one image that maybe impossible to forget 
Opus/Paul
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Zed-Zed-nine plural-Zed alpha,
There is no place like home.
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