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AussieBrian
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Birdwatchers Explained
« on: Nov 27th, 2005, 12:16am » |
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There are millions of bird-watchers worldwide now, in fact it’s one of the world’s fastest growing hobbies, but bird-watchers are not like other people. The secret to coping with bird-watchers is firstly to understand their motivations and this chapter will teach you everything you need to know. Their customs and mannerisms were learned by observing them at great length in the field, much as Jane Goodall did with the great apes but without having to get so close.
BIRD-WATCHER IDENTIFICATION TEST.
Ask the prospective birder to list the following in order of importance:
A. Food.
B. World peace.
C. Pectoral sand-piper.
A true birder will automatically answer ‘C’ without even having seen the other two possibilities. The not-so-dedicated may notice ‘A’ in passing, and all others are telling fibs.
SOCIAL SKILLS.
Bird-watchers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic outcomes such as;
* Important social contacts,
* Stimulating and thought provoking conversation,
* A feeling of connectedness with fellow humans.
In contrast, bird-watchers have very rational objectives;
* Get it over with as quickly as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to anything unpleasant.
* Demonstrate disdain for all subjects not ‘bird’.
DEDICATION TO CAUSE.
To the bird-watcher, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories;
a.) Things with feathers that need to be watched and,
b.) Other stuff.
In the event that category a.) is temporarily unavailable it will be sought out, read about, talked about or invented. The latter category b.) misses out very badly.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE.
Clothing is a very low priority for bird-watchers, assuming the very basic thresh-holds of climate and decency have been established. While no appendages are actually freezing or stuck together, and other bits aren’t dangling in public view, then the objective of clothing has been met and all else is a waste of good birding time. Polish the lenses, perhaps, but never the boots.
LOVE OF NATURE FILMS.
Bird-watchers love these shows since the presenters are always portrayed as heroes – occasionally having sex with the camera crew. This is much more glamorous than real life, much of which is spent avoiding people with cameras and commonly having sex without the participation of others.
HONESTY.
Bird-watchers are always completely honest, even when they’re lying. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep them away from customers, romantic interests, politicians, salesmen and others who can’t handle the truth. Birders sometimes bend the truth by saying things that sound like lies, but aren’t because nobody could be reasonably expected to believe them anyway. Some such statements are:
* I won’t leave without first letting you know.
* It’s a new bird for me. I won’t be long.
* I don’t care that it’s a Gurney’s eagle, I’ll do this first.
* Of course I love you more than my binoculars.
FRUGALITY
Birders are said to be tighter than a fish’s bottom (and that’s water-tight) but this has nothing to with mean-ness of spirit. It’s merely a matter of priorities; “How can I see the most birds whilst retaining the greatest amount of cash to allow me to see more birds.”
(continues below)
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| « Last Edit: Nov 27th, 2005, 12:23am by AussieBrian » |
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AussieBrian
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #1 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 12:22am » |
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POWERS OF CONCENTRATION.
If there is one trait which completely defines the true bird-watcher it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the absolute exclusion of all else in the universe and this sometimes causes them to be pronounced dead prematurely. Many funeral homes around known bird habitats now check bodies thoroughly and, if binoculars and copious notes are found, the corpses are simply propped up on a sofa for a couple of days to see if they snap out of it. Many success stories have resulted.
EGO.
Only two things are important here;
* Birds, and
* Birds.
To provoke a birder, try saying “Are you sure?” To personally witness murderous intent, simply look toward the bird just positively identified and say, “No, you’re wrong.”
Bird-watchers commonly go for days without food or attention to hygiene. Often because of their dedication to the cause (more often because they simply forgot) but having got that bird they experience a rush of pure ego that is actually better than sex – even the sort of sex that involves another person.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE.
This is never easy for a bird-watcher. A non-birder will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create false impressions of attractiveness, whilst bird-watchers are incapable of putting appearance before practicality and binoculars.
Fortunately, birders have an ace in the hole in that they are universally recognised as superior marriage material; loving, caring, well-travelled and inordinately intelligent. While it’s true that many people would not care to date a bird-watcher, it’s equally true they have an intense desire to mate with one – thus producing off-spring who will have high-paying jobs and a wonderful lifestyle before even losing their virginity.
Male bird-watchers reach the peak of their sexual attractiveness later than other men, becoming irresistibly erotic dynamos between their twentieth and sixtieth years. Perfect examples are;
* Prince Charles,
* David Attenborough,
* Bill Oddy,
* Me.
Non-birders, however, simply can’t compete. Witness;
* Idi Amin,
* Genghis Khan,
* Marquis de Sade
* You.
Lady bird-watchers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until an hour after their clinical death – even longer here in Queensland, Australia, but we have the weather for it.
(Openly plagiarised from various sources, with thanks - BDL)
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burnt-toast
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #2 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 1:16am » |
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Some bird watchers are somewhat nuts.
We have rare type of Herron (huge birds) that established a rookery in a stand of huge Sycamore trees about 5 miles down creek from us. There is a narrow/twisting state road with inches of berm that overlooks the rookery. You frequently see 15 or more watchers standing on this state road with cars/trucks swerving to avoid them during the nesting season. I keep waiting to hear that a whole group of watchers got wiped out by a driver that didn't see them on the turns.
Tom
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cootie
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #3 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 3:06am » |
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Where do our Ohio buzzards migrate to in the winter....hopein they don't come back with bird flu Pam
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Cause and Effect......"Cause is the effect concealed, Effect is the cause revealed"
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AussieBrian
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #4 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 5:10am » |
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on Nov 27th, 2005, 3:06am, cootie wrote:| Where do our Ohio buzzards migrate to in the winter....hopein they don't come back with bird flu Pam |
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Risks are pretty low, Pam. Your Hinckley buzzards arrive in Dade County, Florida, around October 15 each year and spend winter there before returning around 15 March.
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Jasmyn
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #5 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 7:41am » |
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LOL Mr. Brain!
These inordinately intelligent bird brains must keep their binoculars on the birds with feathers, so not to be identified as the new species called "Peeping-Toms", since they are such socially deprived birds-of-a-feather who knows nothing about the birds-and -the-bees.
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Jazz 
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BobG
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #6 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 11:35am » |
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Thanks Brian. LOL.
on Nov 27th, 2005, 1:16am, burnt-toast wrote:Some bird watchers are somewhat nuts.
I keep waiting hoping to hear that a whole group of watchers got wiped out by a driver that didn't see them on the turns.
Tom |
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Why do those idiots think that their camera will take better pictures from the middle of the highway than 8 feet over on the shoulder?
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pattik
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #7 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 1:58pm » |
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Thanks, Brian. Some of us are not quite as obsessed as your description, but it's a club worth joining. About 30 miles from here is the International Crane Foundation, and its influence around here is palpable.  Love those cranes.
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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Charlie
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Re: Birdwatchers Explained
« Reply #8 on: Nov 27th, 2005, 4:26pm » |
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Can't say I watch birds much.
The Roger Tory Peterson Institute is here though. Mom said school kids made fun of him when he was a kid running around with a butterfly net. He went to high school here. 
Cruel kids.
Charlie
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