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Dave_Emond
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Just ranting ... pay no mind
« on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 6:51pm » |
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Family,
Sasafrassumsuckaruckum … umpmuddafukkapieceofshitum, stickitupmyharorouseever.
Thentakeuphanguminthereumandthankumbutthatdontcutemanymorem. Sorry, but although I appreciate it I just can’t handlethisfukingbullshitemuchlonger.
All I want is to ripoutmyfukingbrainpiecebypiece and digmyfingersthroughremainspullingoutallthisscumbagcrap that makes mylifenothingmorethanawasteoffleshorexcuseforlifepretendtingandactinglik eimevergonnawinattitude!
Ahhh … take it for what it’s worth, too close to not caring anymore. I know I’m dead and just haven’t had the good grace to lay down anywhere. Friends and Family count on me to be “strong” … my fault! I’ve tried that route for so long, maybe helping others gave me purpose and except for a few friends who I feel I can really … well possibly be of help to … I’m not sure if I’m even doing that anymore?
To those who you know who you are … I am still your friend … I will not lie to you in any way. Maybe we can save each others life’s if I confess that at this point I am not as strong as both you and I may think me to be.
I don’t believe in suicide, but would wish for nothing more than death by any means possible. I don’t ask for pity, I don’t ask for sympathy … actually I’m asking for … nothing. I just want this over with; I’ve had enough and see no end.
I apologize to those I’ve lead to believe I’m so strong and inspirational, but the fact is I’m not those things … I hate life and wish I could find a way out. Only my “faith,” family and friends makes me go on. (Sometimes I wish there was nobody that cared about me at all … then the answer would be easy!)
I’m just letting loose … I don’t expect answers. And … as much as I’ve done it and appreciate the thoughts …. Sometimes, just sometimes … “Hang in there” or the like’s just doesn’t do it. If anything, just writing out this crap without regard as to how it will be received or maybe even answered.
Just frustrated …
Dave
(Hey … I still love ya all, and those I’m talking with … I’m still here!)
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Chillrmn1
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #1 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 7:03pm » |
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Man wish ya felt better! Vibes goin to you for PF time! Hang in there!
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Lobster
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #2 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 7:04pm » |
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on Nov 23rd, 2005, 6:51pm, Dave_Emond wrote:
Mmmm... have not had any Pappy's Sassafras Tea in quite some time.
Refreshing as Spring. Says it right there on the bottle.
Be well Dave.
Best,
Lobstah
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Jimi
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #3 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 7:09pm » |
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All I want to do is hug you one more time. Can you hang tough a little longer, fly to Milwaukee and let us hug on you a little? If you can't afford it, let us know. We (or I) will see that you can. Is it a date? 
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #4 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 7:22pm » |
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Hey Jimi,
As much as you know ... I cab barely take the "Hang in there" phrase (Note: I'll never not appreciate to those who mean it!) ... I know you and think of you as a personal friend. I guess I have no choice on the "hang in a little bit longer" card ... sneaky 
Hey bro ... would love ta see ya again, and actually have more time to spend individully with you and so many others.
I can barely find keys to trype anynore, but it will be luck if I can afford the next con trip coming up...
thanks bud,
writing ib space,
Dave
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Jimi
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #5 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 7:33pm » |
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You stay with us. If you are able to go, and I am talking about health, not money issues, then we will get you there. Keep us posted. We want to walk this journey with you if you will let us. You can use this board as your personal journal and post your good days and bad days when ever you want. Just don't shut us out. 
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MJ
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #6 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 8:07pm » |
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Dave.
You dont know me, I dont know you but I got a little something to say.
A while back I was feeling kinda low. I came to this cluster page site. Started reading some of the stories. I thought man what are some of the folks whining about.
Got a nephew dying of cancer, leukemia. He was 17 when diagnosed, now 26 been fighting allmost 10 years.
Now he hasnt been able to move out of his bed in the living room for about a month. He's not expected to live till christmas.
Called me over the other day and said when I'm gone I want you to have this, but untill I'm gone I gotta keep it cause it helps my mom.
It was a statue I gave him 8 years ago of an indian medicine man to help watch over him. Its been by his bed for all this time.
He said it never did shit for me but it sure has helped out mom.
Its allways the folks around you that hurt sadly just as much.
Anyways back to this site when I came across your story I knew that I found a story of a guy thats been through more shit than most will ever know.
Most people fear death you been there. You are one of the few who can live this life knowing there aint nothin to fear. The shit you go through can only get better. Certainly cant get a whole lot worse.
Why do I care?
Because that day I saw your story I knew that my poor little self wasnt worth a shit next to a guy like you. My mood got brighter my days got better.
For a while I thought about you whenever I hurt and I thought if Dave can do it I sure as hell can too.
Give those around you a smile and I dont care what you say.
HANG IN THERE MAN.
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Charlie
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #7 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 8:17pm » |
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I understand Dave. The holidays can be the worst.
All I'm hoping is that it's your time for an effen break. 
I hope you rant and rave though. It's good for the psyhce. (in fact your posting here shows that you know it)
I hope you can keep at it Dave.
Charlie (Wish I had an answer...  )
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nani
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #8 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 9:41pm » |
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hang tough, Dave.
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #9 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 10:43pm » |
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I guess I'd like to respond to each of you individually,
But I"m sorry ... I'm just not there yet.
Holidays ... smolidays... that's far from it. ...(i think) ... but I'll take any response as I would any othr ... you're good folk, trying to be of help. I can only say thankypou.
Maybe it seems only MJ ... who I only know through these boards ... is catchin on. I've met Jimi and respect him, I know others through the board who I also respect and appreciate all well wishes.
MJ ... dammit! You been paying too much attention! You seem to know that my rant is really wishing I could find a way out... that I'vew had enough!
Iyt's such a bitch when one knows there is no hope, but that person is one who aside from everything can't help but believe in hope and is damn pissed that he does!
I love my family! I love my friends here in clusterville ... but when is enough enough?
Yeah ... I saw the movie "the Mexican" and that answer was a question to love ... "never" of course. But when is enough ..enough when evey single night/day/ (who can tell the difference?) is the same? Chronic pain ... CHRONIC PAIN!!! Yeah I know only about 80% of it is CH related, and that should be ENOUGH! But ... every F..ing time I see a doc ... "Here's another thing we need to do to keep your a$$ alive!" Damn ... whenever the CH shadows are at their lowest ... welcome to the the other pain just to remind you you're falling apart.!"
Tired of beieng tired ... tired of biening in pain ... tired of not being the person I know I was or could be without all this crap!
Do I feel soorry for myself ...Hell no!
Why can't all this crap just let mre go?
Why am I supposed to be strong? For who? What will this achiecve? I WANT OUT!
Wanna do me a favor? Tell me how I can end all this without my death certifivcate reading : "Suicide" !!
Yes family, this is Dave ... OUCH bod for 2 years, OUCH Prez for 1 year .... MR. Support and inspiration to anyone I can help.
But .... I can't help me anymore. I can feel my body falling apart and decaying inside. I burieed my brother early this year, I watched my mother for months in ICU almost die, then I buried my father last month ... who shared all the same symptoms I do (except CH) .
Do I want to go out like either of them ... NO!
Do I want to go out ...YES!
HOW?
I'm not on drugs, I'm not on anything that makes me say these things except for the fact that ... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ... and I don't know where, how or what to do?
I may try to use this board as my living will ... post what I want done with me. Biggest question is ... what can be done with me!?!?
Sorry, this isn't the Dave I try to be ... but ...
I'm just sorry, this is where I'm at ...
God Bless,
Dave
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Jonny
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #10 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 11:08pm » |
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Try the car in the garage you fuckin pus-sy!
Just close the door and start the car.
Dont have a garage?......There are many ways to go out, Bro.....try one or shut the fuck up cause your bringing alot of folks down that dont need to be.
You know I love you, but theres a fucking limit!!
WAKE UP!!!!
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| « Last Edit: Nov 23rd, 2005, 11:09pm by Jonny » |
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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Leesa
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #11 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 11:29pm » |
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Dave............all I can say is WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!! It may not mean much with all you have going on. But it should count for something DAMNIT!!!!  No one wants to suffer, BUT I firmily believe that one day soon all will RIGHT for you!!!!
Love, Leesa
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #12 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 11:57pm » |
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Shit johnny...
when I saw your reply I thought maybe here's a good chance for an idea ... wrong.
Limits? you're going to lesson me on limits?
Love ya too bro ... but life and these boards isn't always about jokes, who's the king, migrainers should "piss off", uplifting pictures, and general bullshit in competition who can make the most posts.
I have no beef with you, I said no response was needed. I went one place where I felt like I could vent!
Want to call me a girl thingy? Stand in front of me and call me that ... do I care if you can kick my ass? Not hardly, even if your egotistical ass could ... at least I'd get a sandwich while you had your meal and you'd never want to come to that table again!
You like to play "King Jonny" and we can have fun with that, but you are not anything more than one who will offend anyone who disagrees with you about anything.
I apologized for my rant to anyone it may have bothered ... but thats not enough for you ... so am I supposed to bow down to your self impossed chair of judgement?
Limits ... limits? Get off your high horse and find some for yourself! I can't count how many times I've sat at these boards and tried to catch a "mislead" person and try to direct them to the right spot before YOU personally attacked them because CH pain is our own private pain and how dare anyone else in any kind of pain dare intrude looking for answers?
We don't have the corner on pain All MIGHTY JUDGE ...
I often wonder if I'm the only one that gets sick of this self righteous attitude you portray here?
So ... I'm having my own private setback, more serious than you even know ... but "limit" ... "me oh mighty one" if I've infringed on your "kingdom"!
I've seen others come here and just want to let lose feelings inside ... you seem to believe you are the thermometer on just what everyone else should have the degree of concern.
Screw you! I may be speaking for more people than myself ... I don't know ... but I'd bet I am.
Should I make it anywhere we can meet, I'll stand somehow out of my wheelchair and with no excuses tell you this to your face. We can either go down in blows or we can just say "It's cool" and leave it at that.
I'm not the slightest bit worried about my "pride" ... you might want to think about yours!
Ball is in your court ....
Dave
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Jonny
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #13 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 12:22am » |
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on Nov 23rd, 2005, 11:57pm, Dave_Emond wrote:| Screw you! I may be speaking for more people than myself |
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Screw me, Dave?
When you start throwing around the word "Suicide" on this board I have a fucking problem with that.....Do you get that?
Try talking about killing yourself somewhere else.....do you get what I mean?
Fuck your "More people than myself"....where are they right now?......they helping anyone?
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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cootie
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #14 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 12:44am » |
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I hope getting all this out and saying what is on your mind is 'helping' you sumhow Dave......sumtimes jus standing up and screaming the words you have to say like your doing helps. Am sure yer situation is a more 'serious place' then alot of us can comprehend. People tend to try to uplift people wanting to find a way out.....just part of nature......cuz no one wants to think that 'serious place' could happen to them and they could feel the same Pam
Take care.......nothin much more I can say cept 'I wish things were better with more hope in your eyes for you'.
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| « Last Edit: Nov 24th, 2005, 12:48am by cootie » |
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #15 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 2:13am » |
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Jonny ...
on Nov 23rd, 2005, 6:51pm, Dave_Emond wrote:
I don’t believe in suicide, but would wish for nothing more than death by any means possible. I don’t ask for pity, I don’t ask for sympathy … actually I’m asking for … nothing. I just want this over with; I’ve had enough and see no end.
I apologize to those I’ve lead to believe I’m so strong and inspirational, but the fact is I’m not those things … I hate life and wish I could find a way out. Only my “faith,” family and friends makes me go on. (Sometimes I wish there was nobody that cared about me at all … then the answer would be easy!)
I’m just letting loose … I don’t expect answers.
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jonny writes: Quote:
Quote:| When you start throwing around the word "Suicide" on this board I have a fucking problem with that.....Do you get that? |
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Hmmmm..... what does my first line there say?
Quote:| I don’t believe in suicide |
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So ... what's your problem then? If one were to be asked if they'd rather be dead than alive considering their daily life and the answer is "I'd rather be dead" doesn't mean they'll commit suicide. You sound like nothing more than a paperback psychologist! Never cross your mind? You Quote:| "have a fu-cking problem" |
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with that word? How so? Why?
Again ... you judge!
jonny writes:
Quote:
No! You arrogant self proclaimed "King" ... I don't!
What the hell gives you the right to tell me or anyone else what I can talk about, even when your ignorant of the context?
Am I missing something here? Isn't this a message board that has to do with CLUSTER HEADACHES?
Do people sit back and bit-ch about your jumping into every post you can to show off your work ... most often off the topic at hand? How many posts do we have to read in the middle of other threads about your "manhood" or your tattoos or your hair or how big a bad-a$$ you think you are?
Since when did you become "monitor" of this board?
As for: Quote by Dave:
Quote:| Screw you! I may be speaking for more people than myself |
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YEAH! I do believe so, whether anyone else wants to stand up and say so, if they'd rather not, or don't agree ... I'll leave that in the air and you can take that to the nearest mirror and pose in front of it thinking yourself "still the King."
I'll tell you straight out that I think you're most often full of bull! I won't discredit things you've helped people with financially or by other means ... that part I respect of you.
But ... this does not give you the right to countless times attack CH family or those looking for direction on your own whims of what can be said and what can't!
My post was nothing more than a vent/rant .... I and many others feel this is a safe place to do this. But I've seen more than just my post of the same nature be interrupted by YOUR egotistical a$$ jumping in and telling people how YOU think they should post according to YOUR will! Bull!
Oh ... and instead of "girly-thing" coming up again ... let's just say if you have the balls should we meet again to call me a pus-sy to my face it's your call ... I ain't buying your macho crap!
Dave
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #16 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 2:23am » |
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Again CH Family ...
I am sorry that this thread took the route it did, I apologize to anyone I may have offended in some of my words used.
I thank the rest of you for your support and just letting me vent/rant in my first post ... just had to let off some steam somewhere and thanks for being here.
Dave
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BMoneeTheMoneeMan
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #17 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 3:40am » |
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on Nov 24th, 2005, 2:23am, Dave_Emond wrote:Again CH Family ...
I am sorry that this thread took the route it did,.... Dave |
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Dave, I dont know you, but i have spoken with people that speak very highly of you. I wish there was something i could say or do other than send vibes, obviously there isnt.
Rant away, brother, dont be distracted by the noise. It's evident, you see with clarity.
PF wishes
BMonee
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #18 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 4:21am » |
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Hey Dave. Rant away. Get it all out and written down so you can look at it. No one knows the true extent of your suffering except you, but many of us can understand the desire to just not be anymore. Problem is, there is no way for that to happen without hurting the ones closest to you and leaving a big hole in the lives of others who care about you.
I hope you are physically able to go to Milwaukee. Dallas Convention only whetted my appetite to see more of the people here who I have come to regard as my family. I'd truly love to meet you and Annette in person.
Sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Know that you are in my thoughts and I'm wishing a brighter day for you tomorrow.
Peace be with you,
Mike
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Melissa
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #19 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 7:51am » |
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After reading most of this thread, and waiting a day to even say anything, I still am not sure what to say to you Dave, so I'll just let my mind roll.
You appear to have a lot of frustration, anger, and I'm pretty sure depression, inside of you, that to come out of that hole would most likely be a miracle. I don't know how you're feeling, I can't tell you to hang in there, as I DO know you've been "hanging" for quite some time now. You must be exhausted, physically and emotionally. I am wondering myself what the time will be like when my body fails me. I hope I am at least 80 years old when that happens. 
You know I care about you Dave, and I am telling you now, that I hear you. I am validating your feelings of despiration. I feel a hole in my heart right now, and am visualizing myself in your position, and I can't help but start to cry because I am so sad... I can only hope that Annettes prayers be answered.
love you,
mel
edited for clarity
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| « Last Edit: Nov 24th, 2005, 8:01am by Melissa » |
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rickyshot
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #20 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 8:39am » |
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I plan to go to Milwaukee this summer God willing and want to see you there too. I am praying for you and all my ch buddies. I am episodic and have such horrible episodes that mingle with complicated migraines for even more added joy that I feel suicidal many times. I HEAR you!!!!!!
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Jackie
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #21 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 8:55am » |
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This is tough, Dave. Nobody knows anothers pain....not their spritual, emotional or physical pain. I know you've suffered for a long time now. I also know you've always done your very best....no matter what. You'll do the same now. "Hang in there" does seem trite but the meaning is deep. I always believe that tomorrow will be better....if not then the next day or the next. God knows I'd hate for you to miss the good ones.
Listen to Jimi.....lets plan for the '06 convention. I'd like to hug your neck again....I can't wait to meet Annette.
Listen to Gator.....rant away...cuss, yell and throw a fit if you need to. We'll listen and help hold you up.
I've never understood why bad things happen to good people. Why do people have to suffer so? Maybe it's so we appreciate the good when it comes.
Now....you and Jonny get made up or I'm gonna make you two hug and say I love you.....cuz you both know it's true....that's how clusterheads are.
My love to you and Annette....
Jackie
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #22 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 8:59am » |
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Dave, you are one of the strongest people I have ever had the honor of knowing..and I do feel that I know you to a point because I've had the pleasure of reading your patient, kind and loving responses to our family for years now.
I, personally, want you to stay here on the board with us as long as possible no matter what you have to say. You can rant, swear, bargain with God, curse your plague and talk to those of us who love you, til your last black squiggly whisper.
There just isn't anything any of us can say that will be of any real help other than let you know that we care and are hurting as only friends can.
You know my faith in the Lord is strong and I believe that you know where your permanent home will be. That's your reward for being the good and kind man that you have been. That's where your peace is, but only in His time. I'll bet you've gone the whole route of emotions in this respect by now....and now you're pleading for this pain to be over. Apparently you've still got a little work to do here....perhaps your posts now will include a lesson we need to hear. You have a large audience.
I've always felt so misunderstood when serious (or at least at that time I thought they were serious) health issues came up and people would say "don't worry, it'll be all right". I wanted to ask "how do you know this?" I just wanted them to say "I'm sorry you're scared and hurting and just remember "I love you, my friend".
Dave, I'm sorry you're scared and hurting. I love you, my friend. My prayers are you.
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Jonny
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #23 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 10:08am » |
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on Nov 24th, 2005, 2:23am, Dave_Emond wrote:| just had to let off some steam somewhere and thanks for being here. |
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Now dont ya feel better, Dave? 
Happy Thanksgiving, Dave.
Jimi, let me know if you need help getting Dave to the convention, Id be more than happy to help.
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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chewy
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Re: Just ranting ... pay no mind
« Reply #24 on: Nov 24th, 2005, 10:12am » |
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Quote:| I'm having my own private setback |
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