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Topic: New Church Bulletin Bloopers (Read 348 times) |
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Jimi
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New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« on: Nov 18th, 2005, 10:29am » |
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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
Have a Great Weekend!
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Langa
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #1 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 10:43am » |
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I loved these Jimi...thanks!
Langa
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BarbaraD
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Hugs to ya
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #2 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 10:56am » |
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Thanks for the laugh Jimi -- Since I used to TYPE the church bulletin I can relate to these totally.
We had one old self rightous bitty in our congregation who did absolutely nothing except find fault in everyone else, so occasionally I'd throw in a humdinger just so she'd have something to point out. The pastor told me I was going to hell for insighting a riot (while he was laughing his rear off). Oh well, it kept the church on its toes.... 
Hugs BD
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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Kevin_M
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #3 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 11:19am » |
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Some real goodies there Jimi.
I've only seen one snappy message that I can remember, driving by a sign outside a church.
"Sign broken, come inside for message". 
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KingOfPain
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Disgusted!
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #4 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 11:30am » |
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A few more, hope you don't mind Jimi.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 PM
The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.
Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
*And finally...
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #5 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 11:31am » |
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ROFL!! These are great!
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Carl_D
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #6 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 2:57pm » |
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LMAO!
Thanks Jimi and KOP. Those were classic!
I spent many years in church and we had some doozies in our bulletins.
Peace,
Carl D
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burnt-toast
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #7 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 3:13pm » |
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Not so great work... but all with great intention. Loved em' 
Tom
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alchemy
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get out of my head
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #8 on: Nov 18th, 2005, 4:03pm » |
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lmao
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Melissa
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #9 on: Nov 19th, 2005, 8:15am » |
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ROTFLMAO!!
I love it!!
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Tim_Z
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #10 on: Nov 20th, 2005, 8:59pm » |
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You could try this.
http://tinyurl.com/36ujk
Hope it works.
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vig
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #11 on: Nov 20th, 2005, 9:09pm » |
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I saw one that said:
Pinto Bean dinner tonight!
gee folks, I hate to eat and run, but...
NO SMOKING!!
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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Jasmyn
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Re: New Church Bulletin Bloopers
« Reply #12 on: Nov 21st, 2005, 5:22am » |
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  thanks!
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Jazz
Madness is proclaimed by society’s inability to accept its own infallibility
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