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Topic: In The Event Of My Demise (Read 489 times) |
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Carl_D
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"In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle
or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplish
before I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility
and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive
In the event of my Demise" - Tupac Shakur
This poem came to mind tonight after a rather disturbing email I received from my friend Michelle's husband. I have had an odd feeling the past few weeks I cannot shake, and hope it is just sleep deprivation messing with my head or something. I told my sis in law about a week or more ago about this odd feeling and it scared her a bit because like she said, some people know when their time is coming. My mother did, and spoke it 2 months before her passing.
Michelle doesn't know about this.
She wasn't feeling well so she laid down today, and had a vision of me with blood running down my face. It disturbed her enough that they prayed for me right after that. I got the email a few hours ago, and have been rattled by it to be honest. In any case, I can think of no better words to try and even write, as I think this poem from Tupac written shortly before his death says it all. Haven't slept since the couple of hours friday morning, and not sure I'll be able to right now. Sleep deprivation is not good. 
I'm okay though. I've already come to terms with whatever may come. Just hope I am wrong and beat my old man past the age of 49. In the event of my demise, I won't just drop off of here. Someone will let you folks know - most likely my sis in law. I've cheated death a few times in the past, but it is something that ultimately comes to us all.
Peace,
Carl D
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Jonny
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #1 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 2:29am » |
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Please die......thats a request....im sick of reading this shit 
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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Carl_D
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #2 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 2:33am » |
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Jonny
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #3 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 2:34am » |
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If I dont love you who will?....
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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sandie99
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #4 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 3:09am » |
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Carl, I hope that you beat your old man with many, many years. 
We need you here, bro.
Wishing you lots of  s,
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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don
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #5 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 4:41am » |
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Chillrmn1
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #6 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 6:59am » |
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Carl,
Like Sandie said, your gonna beat your old man by many years. Besides, you've still got many editions of the Saturday Funnies to publish! 
And anyway, my old man passed at 42 and I beat him. You'll beat yours too.
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| « Last Edit: Oct 16th, 2005, 7:02am by Chillrmn1 » |
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burnt-toast
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #7 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 7:06am » |
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Sleep deprivation allows this nightmare to play some unusual mind games on us.
There's not much worse than an unrested mind attempting to function on a daily basis. Unfortunately, we don't have that option and I believe a lack of daily sleep is the most debilitating part of this disease.
Do something you enjoy, talk/visit some family or friends. Make room for a little thoughtless downtime to clear your head and take care of yourself.
Tom
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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CHTom
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #8 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 7:18am » |
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Perhaps you should consider being evaluated for depression, Carl. I read your posts and this is the first one that really indicates that you are down-so, consider being evaluated by your doc. Is this the time of year that your dad or mom died? Sometimes anniversaries of loved ones' deaths can bring on a depression-usually short lasting, but if this has been going on for a few weeks and you have been thinking about dying, meds might be in order. Hang in there, would hate to lose you.
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catlind
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #9 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 8:20am » |
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Don't let it become a self fulfilling prophecy Carl.
As for life being terminal, the definition of life according to a friend of our families that is a doctor is as follows:
Life is a sexually transmitted that disease that results in death.
(read right before a symposium on STD's and pregnancy)
Cat
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A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart
If yer gonna be stupid, ya gotta be tough
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cootie
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #10 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 11:16pm » |
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Maybe your goin to be the first one to get that bird flu.......does it cause bleeding ? Beaks and butts Pam
I know....that shit ain't funny.......heard if you set two people in a room.......expect one to be dead if this flu comes around statistics. Great.......hope the doctors don't go too cuz we all NEED them for meds !!!! Startin over with a new doc SUCKS.
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Cause and Effect......"Cause is the effect concealed, Effect is the cause revealed"
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Carl_D
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #11 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 4:00am » |
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I'm okay. Still hope I'll live long enough to be a grumpy old man. If not, just taking care of a few things were something to happen. I hope it's not a prophecy catlind, and just my mind messing with me from no sleep. Since I didn't sleep last night after the CH chat, watched a film, laid down... not a wink of sleep. Each week for the past 4-5 weeks I get less sleep per week and if I get none by wednesday - to the ER I go!
Burnt - GMTA. I had already made up my mind after the short panic attack from reading JM's email to visit friends and most importantly, my niece and nephew. I don;t care how bad I feel, those kids will make me smile every time. Walked the town in pain but giddy, and went to see Michelle first. She didn't know about the 'feeling' I've had and after she told me about her vision/dream, we had a good talk.
My niece is taking after me in the music thing. What was funny was I walked into my brother's house with my headphones on. I had just been listening to My Chemical Romance - Give 'em Hell Kid, and when I took the headphones off, Sarah had the same song playing on her computer - weird huh?
The only family member I have and will talk about this openly to is my sis in law Becky. We had a talk for awhile without the kids or my overtly-bitchy brother around (Bec just had her gall bladder out on Friday morning, and he takes after our dad in that, when mom was sick, he was in a bad mood cause HE had to do everything... 
I'mt tying up loose ends. No life insurance and don't want my family to suffer something sudden, and we worked that out. When I told her how much sleep I had since I saw her in the hospital (losing track, was it thursday or friday?) she told me what I have already feared the past year. If anything kills me young, it'll be the sleep deprivation weakening the heart. Doesn't help I have smoked 25 years, did the wild 'rockstar party' thing growing up playing in bands and such, and over the past few years have swallowed enough meds I often hear Elvis saying "daahhhmmm boy those'er alotta pills!" I told her with my luck, I will die of something stupid like walking down the sidewalk and an air conditioner will fall out of a window and land on my head. How's THAT for optimism?
BTW - Not really depressed but since you mentioned it Tom, every holiday or month is a wreck for me if I think about possible Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) . The 20th anniversary of my best friend's death just passed, dad died 2 days before Thanksgiving in '88, and last year a friend was beaten to death on his way home from work by two thug kids thanksgiving week. Then my favorite aunt died last December 19th, I was born on my mom's bday (April 20th) and she died on the same day in '93. This saturday, will be the 8th anniversary of another childhood chum who was hit by a car... I have buried so many people I would be here a few days recollecting them all. If any day out of them all is depressing for me still, it is my birthday. Since '93 every year something happens either the day before my birthday or the day of (OKC, Waco, Columbine, a friends murder in '01, Hitler's birthday, you name it).
The only loose end I have to tie up before shooting off into the celestial providence is my book. Worked on it for awhile this morning, and now I'm even confused I've chopped it up so much... definitely a thriller. I am burning the book to discs to give to both of my brothers and if something were to happen, this book must get out somehow. Got many great story ideas I'd love to write books on, but this one HAS TO BE DONE! Dying isn;t even an excuse to leave it unfinished. It is definitely an interesting read. You see, it's a fictional novel about a guy who has everything going for him, until these 'headaches' begin ruining his life. It affects everyone and everything in his world as he spirals out of control. What he begins to learn is, he is not alone.....
Peace & Love,
Carl
PS - It is not autobiographical, though alot of it does draw from my own experiences since becoming chronic in '98. Anyhoo... off to bed I go for a 3rd attempt tonight.
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Carl_D
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #12 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 4:24am » |
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One freakish thing I have to add here.
My mom and her sis Carmen always had stuff happen to them almost simultaneously for years, and in '88, her hub, my uncle Bill died on friday of cancer after being diagnosed one month prior. My dad hadn;t been sick or anything, but came home from midnight shift monday morning sick as a dog, throwing up...thinking it was a major flu bug or something. My mom stayed home with dad, and my brothers and I went to my uncles wake that night. Into tuesday morning my dad took a massive down turn and his last words were "I ain't goin to the damn hospital!" By the time the ambulance arrived he was going, and when i heard them yell CODE BLUE I knew what it meant and sank into the chair in disbelief...watching them work on my dad trying to revive him. They got the call at the funeral home during my uncle's funeral that dad had also passed, and my aunt passed out when she heard the news.
Turns out, my dads diabetes had gone haywire and caused Myocarditis - dying of the heart tissue. When he got sick enough all of the electrolytes were thrown off and threw him into cardiac arrythmia which began shutting down his entire system. The most morbid thing I ever did in my life was to study my father's autopsy report with medical books at the library trying to find out what exactly happened... alot of things were not added to his report, and I fault both the dr and the patient for the rapid deterioration since my dad thought he was John Wayne and invincible, he wasn;t checking his blood sugar and everything you're supposed to do dietary, and the Dr for a year and a half straight refilled the "Micronase" pills which were beginning to not be effective with his diabetes as it worsened. I would have never taken a glance at that autopsy had it not been overhead by dad's doc to the funeral director that "He was just getting ready to put my dad on insulin." I was like, HUH? You haven't even seen the man in 19 months.
I later learned things about that Dr I would have never believed had it not been for my dad's own passing.
All I know is this: Life is a vapor. Time is fleeting. Our time here is short and we can either use it to focus on building up or tearing down. I plan to spend the rest of my days, months or years on building up instead of tearing down and if I can leave anything behind that will last, I want it to be this book.
Rambling again... going to bed.... again... and again...
and thennnnnnnn
and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
{{{singing}}}
I'm sooo tired, I haven;t slept a wink. I'm so tired, my mind is on the brink. I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink? No no nooooo, I'm sooooo tired.....
Peace,
Carl
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marty
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #13 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 6:46am » |
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Carl..
This may sound stupid to you but sleep deprivasion can (and most likely will) act as a hallucinetic (I could never spell that). If you add on to that; a mindset that searches for negative reasons and clues, it can spell mental disaster.
If we all tried very hard, I am sure that we can find certain dates etc, that will (if we let it) lead us to think that we have reached the end. It is sort of like an hypocondriac (another one of those words - we need spell checker here) that firmly believes that he or she has a serious condition.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you may want to sit down and look for some positive things. Every day is a precious gift. We may crash on the highway, we may fall down or we may drown at any time - we don't know what is in store for us. There is only One that knows and he is not telling. It is like the country song; "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plan".
So Carl, I am not trying to get you aggrivated. but give yourself a swift kick in the butt and plan for living instead - you got nothing to loose, do 'ya
Marty
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| « Last Edit: Oct 17th, 2005, 6:48am by marty » |
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Woobie
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #14 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 8:10am » |
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on Oct 17th, 2005, 6:46am, marty wrote:Carl..
.........give yourself a swift kick in the butt and plan for living instead - you got nothing to loose, do 'ya
Marty |
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Good advice!
Carl - just wondering.......
What does the ER do for you when you go for not sleeping? What do they give you?
just curious.
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| « Last Edit: Oct 17th, 2005, 8:11am by Woobie » |
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Kate in Oz
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #15 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 8:25am » |
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Hey Carl,
I agree with CHTom ????!!
I think it really is time to get yourself to the doc. I know what depression can be like ... you start thinking about suicide and death and thinking I wouldn't do that, I wouldn't do that.
Sometimes things just snap and you think that's the only answer - I know been there myself !! I'm worried cos I know how easily that can happen... you wake up one morning and bam.. I'm so lucky to be alive today.
Carl, don't go rock bottom if you don't have to - go to the docs and get something, please.
You're the only person who can do it.
We care about you and it's hard to see you suffering so.
Kate
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Ghost
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #16 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 10:28am » |
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Tupac backwards is caput
Just had to add that
In the event of my Demise party hard and get laid!
Oh and you have to do it while listening to Quinn the Eskimo
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
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***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Ghost
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #17 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 11:05am » |
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Roast Me Toast Me and when ya mail me Post me! Just dont ghost me.
You mean I aint dead?
Shoot with this pain I sure thought I was in Hell!!! 
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Charlie
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #18 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 5:55pm » |
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There is another theory about death that I like to "live" with....it doesn't take much energy or time. That is that for the vast majority; death sneaks up and bites us on the ass. Oh, I have a DNR and stuff like that but I want you to get some snooze time and feel better.
For me, it's like planning on a next bout with the beast. I know we've all done it but it's pretty non-productive. Turn on Celebrity Poker and pass out. 
Stay well my friend and post again after 22 hours of sleep. 
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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Carl_D
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #19 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 6:57pm » |
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Charlie...if I wait until I've slept 22 hours... I'd probably be posting after halloween, lol. How's 6 hours?
WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Grabbed 6 hours and feel refreshed alot, but very 'hung over' (only a true insomniac knows what I mean).
Marty and everyone.... I am not suicidal, and I am not fearing death. Like Charlie just said though, death is one of those unexpected things can just bite you in the ass at any time. I have many, many, many things I want to do, and have already begun doing. That was what I was trying to say in a roundabout way with the last post I made. This has kicked me in the ass, and I'm fighting this with all I have. If I get my way about it...at my 50th bday I want to celebrate having at least my 10th book under my belt, if not more. Been lazy with writing lately, and went through some terrible writers block. As it stands since this morning, I've spent more time on this book in one week than the whole year.
I got 6 hours sleep this morning without any interruptions from the beast, or at least was out of it enough not to know if it only hit a 3 or 4 kip. I then spent a few hours helping a friend with his resume and searching for jobs online. I am getting back into teaching guitar again also, and have 3 accepted students so far. I got hit while working with Fred and did a Trex spray and it was funny...Fred has seen me get hit since these things started and in '93 once walked in on me and said "uhhh, you should go see a doctor." I piped up with my head wrapped in my hands. "No SHIT!" Today though, all he seen was me having a fit over how nasty the fricken drainage of Imitrex is. Gross, nasty... worst tasting than any Denny's entree. 
Trust me, not giving in here. Not even close.
Besides, I still haven't got my ink yet. A smiley face with blood coming out of its mouth an a cartoon 'alien' popping out of the side of it's head. Underneath it will be a certain 4 letters.......
Peace & Love,
Carl
Hallucinations from sleep deprivation are not like those you get from a mild hallucinogenic like 'shrooms, rather stronger like you would get from strong pure LSD. The walls breathe, heat waves come off of everything...and noone else knows what the hell you are laughing at sometimes out of the blue.
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Jonny
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Re: In The Event Of My Demise
« Reply #20 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 7:08pm » |
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on Oct 17th, 2005, 6:57pm, Carl_D wrote:| Grabbed 6 hours and feel refreshed alot |
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See that?....it was the Jonny subliminal message that made you sleep.....LOL
Good to see you got a few hours, Dude!!
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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