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Topic: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION! (Read 264 times) |
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Carl_D
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TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« on: Oct 15th, 2005, 4:33am » |
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And so I lamed out yesterday and didn't get the funnies put together in time. But I have a good excuse. I got some sleep. Sssssh. Don't tell the beast. Hoping it happens again soon. Been asleep at the wheel and not even driving! The auto-pilot escaped with his parachute, and just been coasting for awhile. Unless you've taken a piss in the fridge and a drink from the toilet, you just can't know. 
A Clusterhead's Office
The Speech
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
Forgive Me Father
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
What Every Man Needs
Don't Drink and Fly This Halloween
More on the way...
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Carl_D
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #1 on: Oct 15th, 2005, 4:40am » |
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Halloween Q & A
What do Skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite.
What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.
Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000.
What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
Decay NY.
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.
What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
Wrap.
What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
Scared stiff.
Sleeping In Church
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
Mirror Mirror
There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.
How Many Sheep?
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
Newlywed Slang
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
This Is What Happens When You Find A Date Online
Here Comes Old Man Winter
Still more....
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Carl_D
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #2 on: Oct 15th, 2005, 4:46am » |
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New Microsoft Phone
I actually do this kind of crazy shit! Never dare me to do anything in public.
Fun Things To Do On An Elevator
Last year in Nashville, Thomas and I was on a crowded elevator and after a long pause I said “Does anyone hear a ticking sound?” No one said anything. Thomas later said he almost cracked up in the elevator when I said that. Here are more fun things you can do.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!
Still even more coming...
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Carl_D
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #3 on: Oct 15th, 2005, 4:53am » |
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Trick or Treat Party?
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.
There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time."
My Needs!
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Is There A Problem Occifer?
Storm Dumping?
I'm done for this week. If you're not laughing, go drink a double shot of Nyquil and re-read. Still not laughing? Don't make me post my nekkid pics!
Happy Weekend,
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AussieBrian
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Got beer?
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #4 on: Oct 15th, 2005, 5:05am » |
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Hooker: "Faster, Faster."
Lover: "Slower, slower."
Wife: "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."
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Vulcrania horrendus - twice daily, then two at night in lieu of sleep.
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sassy_lady
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #5 on: Oct 15th, 2005, 10:54am » |
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Charlie
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Happy to be here
   
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #6 on: Oct 15th, 2005, 4:28pm » |
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Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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sandie99
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Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #7 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 3:31am » |
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Thank you!
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Redd_baby_girl
New Board Newbie
Love can't be found, unless we seek it for ourself
Posts: 30
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Re: TGIF: Funnies...The SATURDAY EDITION!
« Reply #8 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 8:26am » |
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okay, the one with asking the passengers who get on, it should be afterwards:
Then press all the buttons, or, Then press two up and two down from the one specific button plus the one button, or, press that button and keep pressing it simutaniously.
at least, that how i had read it when i first saw it.
meow. funny!
;3 Megi
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