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Topic: I need to do this... (update 9/25) (Read 1135 times) |
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Melissa
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I need to do this... (update 9/25)
« on: Sep 15th, 2005, 3:54pm » |
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Hello my friends. I know you probably find this weird, considering I've been so lively on the board lately, but it's been bothering me for quite some time, so I thought I'd just "get it out".
After I miscarried my baby on June 23rd, I've been battling many demons of another kind in my head. I've had panic attacks and rampant thoughts of death that seem to just snowball on me until I almost hyperventilate. Now, I do have some quick acting Xanax to help calm me down, but I will tell you it's been a very rough road for me.
My brain is evil, LMAO, no, not really, it's just that it SUCKS that it can be so screwed up.  It was only today that I decided to do a search as to what my problem really is, why I keep having these thoughts that go from one thing to another to a point where I'm thinking I'm losing my mind. At first I would think that I'm having a manic episode, but realize that's not it (my mom was bi-polar). Then I did a search on szichophrenia(sp?) and realized that's not it either. Then I clicked on postpartum depression. 
My hormones have not stabilized yet as I've been having some episodes here and there. They HAVE been diminishing, but I do still get anxiety attacks if I'm around a lot of people. I also realize that I have been keeping myself from crying, and as I sit here writing this the tears are finally starting to flow. Sometimes I feel very alone in my mind, and that scares me, but I need to know that I'm going to be OK. Having everyone here who supports me, means so much more to me than any pill ever could.
A huge THANK YOU to all of you for occupying my days, the times I feel alone and afraid, and also when I'm happy. I know I have sort of a long road ahead of me. It may be a few months, it may be a year, but I know I'll get better, it just takes time.
thanks for the space...
mel
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| « Last Edit: Sep 25th, 2005, 10:12am by Melissa » |
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #1 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 3:57pm » |
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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LeLimey
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #2 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:00pm » |
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Mel we're all here for you. I've been where you are now - I know its tough. You always know where I am hon
lots of love
Helen X
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Jimi
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #3 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:01pm » |
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So thats what that msn message was about. I am sorry Mel, I didn't know what you have been going thru. Sorry I was so flippant. I will be attuned next time I promise.
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #4 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:04pm » |
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Hey Mel dont worry we are here for the good and bad. Besides you have helped keep us in class lately. 
Hugs to ya ok. 
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Margi
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #5 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:05pm » |
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add me to the list of been there done that, honey. Of course you're going through post-partum depression. And good for you for recognizing it! Completely normal and, if you chose, treatable with meds. I've had 2 miscarriages and I remember feelings exactly like you describe here. Mine were years ago, but I still remember those dark feelings.
With miscarriage PPD, you also have to add in grief to deal with. (So many people think that you don't grieve with a miscarriage but...you do. It's just not a "publicized" grief - other folks will never understand your need to grieve.) But, Mel, you have to let yourself do that - let yourself grieve. It's very real. You're NOT going crazy, my friend. What you're going through is normal. And all part of the healing process.
always here if you need to talk off the board, Mel, you know that.
big hugs,
Margi
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #6 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:14pm » |
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I understand. Take care of yourself, Mel.
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broomhilda
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #7 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:17pm » |
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 Big hugs to you Mel, take care of you, thinking of you...
Andrea
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Suck it up Princess...
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #8 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:21pm » |
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Yes, you have a long road ahead of you, but we'll all be here for you everyday...
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Cathi04
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #10 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:54pm » |
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Aww, Mel, if only hugs were dimensional. Please give yourself time to grieve. You've suffered a loss! Holding back will only cause you to blowe up like a pressure cooker....it's MEL time...give it a good cry, then look to those little ones who adore you already
Cathi
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #11 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 4:59pm » |
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You have countless friends here Mel that will do whatever it takes to help you through this. Either on this board, by PM, by email - whatever it takes.
You are loved kiddo.
Hugs
Carol
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #12 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 5:10pm » |
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Oh Honey I'm so sorry!! I know how you feel & what you are going through, I lost two babies, from tubral, my thoughts & feels went hay wire on my, thought I was going crazy!!!! almost signed myself in to the nut ward!! stay strong sweety, it will take time, but it will pass!!! so sorry, In my Prayers & thoughts!!
Lots of Love Jolene
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Charlie
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #13 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 5:23pm » |
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Rats.
So sorry Mel. I think the best thing to do is to come here and really let us have it. 
Charlie 
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rextangle
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #14 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 5:43pm » |
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Sorry Mel, but I'm glad we're all here for you. Vent away, go nuts, have a punk-rock moment if you need to!
Rex Pistols
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #15 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 5:59pm » |
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Mel, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, and this PPD. Margi and the rest are very right, and that you need to give yourself the permission to grieve. There is an entire family here to lean on and help hold you up.
Luve you hon,
Pegg
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #16 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 6:02pm » |
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Oh Mel!!!!!!! I'm sorry!!!
Check your PMs.
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #17 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 6:17pm » |
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on Sep 15th, 2005, 4:59pm, Grandma_Sweet_Boy wrote:| You have countless friends here Mel that will do whatever it takes to help you through this. Either on this board, by PM, by email - whatever it takes. |
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You got that right, Carol.....Hell, Ill fly there and bother you for a long weekend, Mel 
Smile kid, you have a beautiful family....something that I was robbed of.
Im always here, just reach
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maffumatt
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #18 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 6:38pm » |
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Thinking of you...............
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Cerberus
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #19 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 7:32pm » |
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My humblest condolances....
I may never truly know what it is like to have that happen to me. Admittedly, I probably dont WANT to, there are just some things that one never fully recovers from...however, I do have some words of advice that have helped me in the past.
The Irony of inner-strength is, that one has to have enough of it to be able to admidt that one doesn't have enough of it... CRY, cry a helluva lot and just when you think you can't possibly cry any more... cry again. Only then will you truly know for sure that you are ready to move on. Some cultures allocate a specific amount of time to "grieve" ranging from hours to years... that being said, take all the time you need, we will still be here.
Peace,
Ramon
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #20 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 7:37pm » |
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Mel,
It must not have been easy to keep all that in.
Sharing is a good thing. We don't mind. We are your family and you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Rori
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #21 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 7:39pm » |
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I suffered two miscarriages when I was young and many people just do not understand. Oh you did not see the baby, y'all can have another one. I have seen more response appropiate on the loss of an animal sometimes. Most women definitely grieve after a mis and some wonder why. PERFECTLY NORMAL. Know that your child is in God's kingdom back to his/her makerand safe. We grieve for ourselves , the fact that we did not get to see them, or know them but WE WILL.
I never took medications to get over the brutally hard times I have had in life. I am so crazy that maybe I should have lol.
Do whatever it takes to get through.
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minnie
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #22 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 8:20pm » |
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MEL,
I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this horrible loss.You do need to take the time to grieve.I suffered a miscarriage april 15,1996.It still is a date every year that I get sad and a little weepy.We had our wedding 5 days later with about 150 people .So happy yet so sad close family and friends new we were gonna have a baby .We were gonna announce it at the wedding but .April our older daughter was our "souvineer " from our Nashville honeymoon.Man talk about hormones Preggers,not preggers and preggers again within a month my body didn't know what it was doing.
sorry what I'm trying to say with all of this is take the time you need and maybe have your hormone levels watched to see if medication might be needed to stabalize them .Love to you hon I.M me if you need to talk I can even call if you need me to just I.m me your #.
Minnie
p.s. I too am going through a really tough time right now.Will tell the family about whats going on soon it's just too hard to discuss now .You and all the people here have helped me keep my sanity and given me a smile.knowing your doing this through your pain makes me treasure your friendship even more.love ya ,see you in class and don't forget the sleepover
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #23 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 8:25pm » |
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Actually I went thru sumthin similar to that when my best freind and husband were killed in a car wreck. I also worked for them.......we had so much in common. My world was turned upside down overnite and then I had the responsibility of the kennel on my hands cuz no one else knew much or could do it. It wasn't a misscarrage like you had but it was a big loss just the same......alot of strange thoughts went thru my head and would do like you said........hit me hard.......wierd shit and thoughts and ideas and visuals flashing thru my head at random. Alot of bad stuff.....real bad and I couldn't deal with anything anymore. I found this place.......it occupied my mind with better things. It kind of over ruled the bad Pam
Took me a few years to get my shit in a pile......kinda sorta.........hang in there......it mite be a bumpy ride but you HAVE FREINDS !!!
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BMoneeTheMoneeMan
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Re: I need to do this...
« Reply #24 on: Sep 15th, 2005, 8:31pm » |
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Well wishes to you Mel.
I know exactly what you are going through. My wife and i have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, but we have had 3 miscarriages. It is quite common, but it never gets any easier.
There's nothing i can say that will relieve your pain, but just know that we are all here for you, and quite a few of us have had similar situations. We are with you.
Well wishes to you
BMonee
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