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Topic: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes (Read 236 times) |
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Carl_D
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YES! The Funnies ARE BACK!!! If your week was anything like my week, you NEED something to laugh at.
Dead dog
"Are you sure?" the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it," the vet announced, "your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330," the vet replied. "I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"
"Well," the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Cooing The Bats!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
”OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"
Tennis Elbow
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow". The men was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."
Healthy Healthy
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."
How Long?
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
A Doctor’s Funnies
Doctor's stories-You can't make this stuff up. (Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction!)
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam
And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly!"
more coming....
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Carl_D
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #1 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 7:17am » |
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Alternative Medical Dictionary
ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BENIGN……..WHAT YOU BE AFTER EIGHT
BOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOG
COMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIEND
FESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKER
FIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIE
GENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEW
G. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIER'S BALL GAME
HANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTOR'S CANE
MORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM
SECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
TUMOR…………ADDING TWO MORE
ULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY
VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED
Generics
Tylenol is acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is amoxycillin
So what's the generic name for viagra?
Mycoxafailin
Suppositories
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Doctor Bloopers!
*** Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
still more coming.....
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Sandy_C
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Burn that bra!
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #2 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 7:21am » |
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on Aug 26th, 2005, 7:09am, Carl_D wrote:
"Well," the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
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Groan!
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Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
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Carl_D
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #3 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 7:21am » |
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Headache?
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
They Start Even Younger Nowadays
Baby Democrat?
Farting Preacher
This preacher, Robert Tilton, was one of the biggest scammers as far as TV preachers go. That being said, the following film is HILARIOUS!
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=fartingpreacher.asf
Happy Weekend,
Carl D
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nani
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Got kudzu?
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #4 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 7:55am » |
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LMAO! Thanks Carl!
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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pattik
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #5 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 9:01am » |
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Thanks, Carl.
Patti
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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burnt-toast
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #6 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 9:21am » |
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
Better save that. We may need it for the autopsy.
I hope this patient fares a little better than the last few that came through here.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Wait a minute--if that's his spleen, then what's this?
Do you think anyone will will notice that its missing?
Hand me that...uh...that, um....thingie there.
Has anyone seen my Rolex?
Uh-oh! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody--stand back! I lost my contact lens!
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff.
Cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well staff, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean this patient wasn't in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle so that we have good documentation of this freak of nature!
Tom
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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cekelle
New Board Junior
Just take it slow, and let the good times roll!
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Re: TGIF: Da Medickal Funnayes
« Reply #7 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 1:44pm » |
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LMAO!
Loved the farting preacher! I've always thought there was something missing from Robert Tilton's shows... That's like the icing on the cake!
Chris 
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