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Jimi
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Musings of Old Clusterheads
« on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:04am » |
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide
your own Easter eggs.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, How old was your husband?"98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
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A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales? "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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And
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank god, I still have my driver's license!
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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nani
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #1 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:13am » |
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ROTFLMAO Jimi!!! You old people are too funny!!! 
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Jeepgun
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #2 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:15am » |
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LMAO!!
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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LeLimey
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #3 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:15am » |
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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken
up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on
her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside
you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the sonovabitch!
A little old man and a little old lady met in a nursing home and decided to get married. Both had been widowed some years before, and, naturally, it had been a long time since either had enjoyed conjugal relations. So on their wedding night, as she started to disrobe, the little old lady turned to her new husband and said, "Now, before we get frisky, I just want you to know that I have acute angina."
Her new husband, a little deaf, replied "WHAT WAS THAT, HONEYBUNCH?"
"I said, I've got acute angina!"
What?" he yelled back.
"I said, I've got acute angina!" she screamed.
"It's a good thing," the old man muttered "-- those wrinkly old tits of yours are enough to make me lose my lunch!"
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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nani
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #4 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:20am » |
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Jeepgun
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #5 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:24am » |
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ROFLMAO, Nani!
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Jasmyn
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #6 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 10:32am » |
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You young people crack me up!
I laughed so loud, my drip fell out. 
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Jazz 
Madness is proclaimed by society’s inability to accept its own infallibility
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DonnaHar
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #7 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 11:11am » |
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This is good stuff.....keep it coming.
I haven't laughed so hard in............I can't remember.
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Jimi
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #8 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 11:25am » |
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you
know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
QUIET SEX
>Tired of a listless sex life after 40 years, the old man came right out and asked
>his wife during a
>recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
>have an orgasm any more?"
>She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
>
>
>WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
>
>A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
>40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
>a
>headstone that
>reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies,
>"When you die,
>I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!
>
>
>WOMEN'S HUMOR
>
> After 50 years of marriage Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
>will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
And finally............
>An old couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
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Melissa
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #9 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 11:30am » |
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Going through a mid life crisis Uncle Jimi?
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Jimi
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #10 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 11:33am » |
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No MEL  Ok, one more and then I have to go take my pills.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!
NAME:
George Martin
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car
that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes,
so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE ! IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
I want to be him when I grow up!
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Melissa
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #11 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 11:36am » |
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on Aug 9th, 2005, 11:33am, Jimi wrote:
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sandie99
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #12 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 12:07pm » |
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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BobG
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #13 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 12:52pm » |
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You old guys cwack me up.
I know, I know.........it's misspelled..........I sat on my weading glasses and bwoke them and now can't find the key next to the E key.
Jimi, time for the mid-life thingy. Get a spowts caw and some lime gween pants. The ladies at the home will think you'we cool!
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Stay stressed. Never relax. Never sleep. Ever.
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unsolved1
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #14 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 1:08pm » |
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Thanks for the laughs gwanpa ... lol .... j/k
UNsolved
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Jimi
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #15 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 1:14pm » |
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Actually I went thru my mid-life crisis when I turned 50. That was when I bought my motorcycle and starting flirting with wimmins and shaved my head. If I knew wimmins liked the bald head so much, I would have shaved it years ago.
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Jeepgun
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #16 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 1:29pm » |
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This thread is a riot.
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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rickyshot
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ouch
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #17 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 2:45pm » |
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I am finally getting a laugh between hits. Thanks.
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aprilbee
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #18 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 3:44pm » |
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my sides, my sides!!! great laugh!!
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Ueli
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #19 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 6:14pm » |
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In a senior home two over 80 year olds had been dating for quite a while.
Finally he asked her if she would let him get "close" to her.
She thought it over and said yes.
After the fact, he thought "Boy, If I'd only know she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her."
She was thinking "Gee, if I'd only known that he still could get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
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AussieBrian
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #20 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 6:53pm » |
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Must be hell having to decide between a new sports car, a career change, or a world trip with the secretary.
It's surely lucky only the rich suffer mid-life crisis.
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Charlie
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Re: Musings of Old Clusterheads
« Reply #21 on: Aug 9th, 2005, 11:16pm » |
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Funny stuff kids.
My grandmother was great:
She used to say that she loved watching Walter Klondike.
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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