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Topic: Men Unite! (Read 5478 times) |
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Jimi
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Who loves ya baby!
 
 
Gender: 
Posts: 2286
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Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why! do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those " DNA things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
Women will never be equal to men because they don't get clusters. But they sure are pretty to look at!
Word Up! 
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
So many donuts, such little time...
Gender: 
Posts: 4179
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #1 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 2:34pm » |
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Jimi, you suck...
Love ya.
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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Kirk
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
VINIMUS, VIDIMUS, DOLAVIMUS
   
Gender:
Posts: 1914
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #2 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 2:59pm » |
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How right you are. 
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ExplodingEyeBall
New Board Hall of Famer
I can't think of anything clever to put here.
Gender:
Posts: 2589
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #3 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 3:06pm » |
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on Jul 27th, 2005, 2:32pm, Jimi wrote:
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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I've gotta print these up and hang them on my fridge.
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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burnt-toast
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 1686
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #4 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 3:29pm » |
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I was wondering when someone was going to have the guts to stick up for us men. The Women here are always beatin' us down.
Sorry my mistake..., that actually happens when I go home each night. Just got confused for a second there.
In any case I would never have posted this - the fact that women can hold a grudge longer than men can remember why they're holding it makes for a dangerous situation. 
Tom
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| « Last Edit: Jul 27th, 2005, 3:36pm by burnt-toast » |
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Farting relieves the pressure
Gender:
Posts: 4024
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #5 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 3:30pm » |
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Now those are sooooooo true and well stated
Im dyin
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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BarbaraD
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Hugs to ya
Gender:
Posts: 5164
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #6 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 3:35pm » |
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So tell me Jimi -- how long are you sleeping on the couch THIS time?????
Hugs BD
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
BOHICA!!!
Gender:
Posts: 3840
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #7 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 4:50pm » |
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LMAO, Jimi!
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #8 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 4:54pm » |
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on Jul 27th, 2005, 3:29pm, burnt-toast wrote:| - the fact that women can hold a grudge longer than men can remember why they're holding it makes for a dangerous situation. |
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CURRENT SHIT LIST
Jimi
Frank
Kirk
Frank
Pat
Frank
Tom
Frank
Ghost
Frank
Frank
Frank
Frank
Frank...etc...etc...etc...
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Jimi
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Who loves ya baby!
Gender:
Posts: 2286
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #9 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 4:54pm » |
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Well Barb, that isn't as bad as some friends of mine that were arguing on what car to buy.
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new pickup truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like Saab car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending at All Souls Funeral Home.
Wimmens have no sense of humor.
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
BOHICA!!!
Gender:
Posts: 3840
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #10 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:00pm » |
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Phew!! Good thing I'm not on Helen's shit list!! What a relief!
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| « Last Edit: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:00pm by Jeepgun » |
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
What Goes Around Comes Around!
Gender:
Posts: 3267
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #11 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:14pm » |
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Jimi - it's a good thing yer cute!
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vig
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
CHit Happens
Gender:
Posts: 4401
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #12 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:18pm » |
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Hey!
why isn't MY name on Helen's shiznit list?
not fair!
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #13 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:27pm » |
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UPDATED CURRENT SHIT LIST
Jimi
Frank
Kirk
Frank
Pat
Frank
Tom
Frank
Ghost
Frank
VIG
Frank
Frank
Frank
Frank...etc...etc...etc...
Happy now Vig?!! Make the most if it!! You won't be for long LOL
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Farting relieves the pressure
Gender:
Posts: 4024
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #14 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:38pm » |
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on Jul 27th, 2005, 5:27pm, LeLimey wrote:UPDATED CURRENT SHIT LIST
Jimi
Frank
Kirk
Frank
Pat
Frank
Tom
Frank
Ghost
Frank
VIG
Frank
Frank
Frank
Frank...etc...etc...etc...
Happy now Vig?!! Make the most if it!! You won't be for long LOL |
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Look ma I made the list
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Donna_D.
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH needs volunteers
Gender:
Posts: 2618
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #15 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:42pm » |
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For all my sisters...
Jimi...you are in for it now!
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
DD
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 The information contained above is for the expressed use of fellow clusterheads and their supporters. Any misuse of this information by any of my "Ex's" is considered to be creepy and a form of harassment and will be duly noted by the ch.com webmaster 
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Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
BOHICA!!!
Gender:
Posts: 3840
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #16 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:43pm » |
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(Damn, but this couch sure is comfy!! Why, this is just like camping! HAR HAR!) Jimi, don't hog the covers.
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #17 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 5:48pm » |
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HIGH FIVE DD!!!
Way to go sis!! LMAO
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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ClusterChuck
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
The BEAST rises again, and again, and again, and .
Gender:
Posts: 3181
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #18 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 6:04pm » |
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on Jul 27th, 2005, 5:27pm, LeLimey wrote:UPDATED CURRENT SHIT LIST
Jimi
Frank
Kirk
Frank
Pat
Frank
Tom
Frank
Ghost
Frank
VIG
Frank
Frank
Frank
Frank...etc...etc...etc...
Happy now Vig?!! Make the most if it!! You won't be for long LOL |
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Whew!!! Not on the list!! First shit list I have NOT been at the top of!!! I must have been VERY good to Helen!!!
BTW, When God was creating the heavens and earth, He created man. He was so impressed with His creation, He decided to create another being, but make it different. He was so disappointed and disgusted with His second attempt, He realized He created perfection the first time around, and never tried to change it again. That is why there are only TWO sexes.
Chuck
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"No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy."
Thomas Fuller
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Donna_D.
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH needs volunteers
Gender:
Posts: 2618
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #19 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 6:18pm » |
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Hmmm..that's interesting, Chuck.
I heard it went a little something like this....
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?" Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
DD
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The information contained above is for the expressed use of fellow clusterheads and their supporters. Any misuse of this information by any of my "Ex's" is considered to be creepy and a form of harassment and will be duly noted by the ch.com webmaster
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Jimi
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Who loves ya baby!
Gender:
Posts: 2286
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #20 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 6:21pm » |
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
They shure ar purty tho...
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Donna_D.
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH needs volunteers
Gender:
Posts: 2618
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #21 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 6:24pm » |
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on Jul 27th, 2005, 6:21pm, Jimi wrote:
They shure ar purty tho...
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I don't think any amount of sucking up will get you off Helen's list
DD
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The information contained above is for the expressed use of fellow clusterheads and their supporters. Any misuse of this information by any of my "Ex's" is considered to be creepy and a form of harassment and will be duly noted by the ch.com webmaster
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AussieBrian
New Board Hall of Famer
Got beer?
Gender:
Posts: 1695
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #22 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 6:38pm » |
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In all the world I can have all the women I please.
I just don't please any.
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Vulcrania horrendus - twice daily, then two at night in lieu of sleep.
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alienspacebabe
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
yup. i am. i do. uh huh. you know it hon.
Gender:
Posts: 1775
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #23 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 7:12pm » |
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on Jul 27th, 2005, 5:42pm, Donna_D. wrote:
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
DD |
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Good God!
These two had me laughing hysterically....
and I will not admit to finding any of the previous women-bashing Q&As funny....
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Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
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burnt-toast
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 1686
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Re: Men Unite!
« Reply #24 on: Jul 27th, 2005, 10:19pm » |
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Nice going Jimi -
I knew this post was trouble the minute I laid eyes on it. It'll take weeks for all the cluckin to die down.
Get a gander at all that unjustified stuff from DD? And the support she got from others - I'm gonna' need therapy now! We men have feelings to ya' know. 
If one side ever really wins this battle, just think of all the fun we would miss out on.
Tom
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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