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Topic: TGIF Funnies: The Late Edition (Read 75 times) |
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Carl_D
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Let’s Talk Grown-up
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
Three Student’s Wishes
Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming.
The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school."
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Auburn.
The Alabama student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out."
The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water."
New Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
Hi-Ho Silver!
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!”
Definitely PRICELESS!
Happy Weekend,
CD
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