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Topic: Friday Funny (Read 232 times) |
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Jeepgun
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Friday Funny
« on: Jun 24th, 2005, 11:00am » |
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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ExplodingEyeBall
New Board Hall of Famer
I can't think of anything clever to put here.
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #2 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 2:04pm » |
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on Jun 24th, 2005, 11:00am, Frank_W wrote:An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
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I know this isn't true. An Irishman can NEVER have too much to drink.    
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #3 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 2:21pm » |
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on Jun 24th, 2005, 2:04pm, ExplodingEyeBall wrote:| I know this isn't true. An Irishman can NEVER have too much to drink. |
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True, that. *clinks pint*
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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cazman
New Board Veteran
if ya dont like it take a walk
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #4 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 2:52pm » |
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lmao one agian thanks i needed that
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ExplodingEyeBall
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I can't think of anything clever to put here.
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #5 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 2:56pm » |
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Hey Frank,
I like the new avatar.
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| « Last Edit: Jun 24th, 2005, 2:57pm by ExplodingEyeBall » |
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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LeLimey
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #6 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 3:03pm » |
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HOI!!!.......CARL!!!!
Come back quick for God's sake.. we need you!
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #7 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 3:04pm » |
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LOL! Thanks, Pat! 
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #8 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 3:26pm » |
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Whats the difference between pink and purple?
The grip
Why are women hopeless at reading maps?
Because only the male mind can understand that one inch equals a mile.
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Ghost
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #9 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 4:02pm » |
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A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet."
Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, holds his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There’s nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice, but, are my test results back."
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Ghost
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #10 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 4:08pm » |
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Three men who all spent their entire adult lives working in the health care industry are killed in a train wreck.
Shortly after, they find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission into heaven.
As they approach, Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
The first man steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The second man says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped thousands of people overcome their problems."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third man steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You may enter.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Jimi
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Who loves ya baby!
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #11 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 4:16pm » |
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Subject: Big Boy
>There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd
>thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed
>five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do
>with him.
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>Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The head nurse
>replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby boy."
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>So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you
>should put him into a mental institution."
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>"Why," asked the head nurse.
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>"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is
>obviously half nuts."
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Ba-dump-bump!
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
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BOHICA!!!
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Posts: 3840
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #12 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 4:31pm » |
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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MargaretG
New Board Newbie
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #13 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 7:35pm » |
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Thanks for the laffs!
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MargaretG.
I've looked all my life for a job where I could be paid to stay home. Thank you Social Security!
Any bad day fishing beats any good day at work!
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Charlie
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Happy to be here
  
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #14 on: Jun 24th, 2005, 10:22pm » |
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At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST)this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
BOHICA!!!
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Posts: 3840
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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #15 on: Jun 27th, 2005, 8:37am » |
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Great jokes!! Thanks for the laughs, everyone.
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Carl_D
Guest
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LMMFAO Y'ALL!!!
I'll be bringing TGIF back real soon.
I'm also gonna have some people saying "WTF IS THAT?" on Friday the 15th...
Stay de-tuned!
MACK DANGER (Wrestling name. Don't ask.)
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