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Topic: Funnies for Today... (Read 571 times) |
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Langa
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Funnies for Today...
« on: Jun 9th, 2005, 9:33am » |
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Next? 
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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nani
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #1 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 9:39am » |
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Next....
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Ghost
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #2 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 9:42am » |
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DADDY CUT THE BIG ONE
Copyright © Confederate Railroad
It was a hot Sunday mornin',
Middle of July
The choir was a singin'
'Bout the sweet by and by.
Everybody was a swayin'
And sweatin' in the heat,
We all bowed our heads down
As the preacher took his seat.
My sister and my brother
Stood next to my mother
In the quiet at the close of the verse.
That's when daddy cut the big one....
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church.
My sister rolled her eyes back,
My brother bit his lip.
My cousin just behind us
Whispered, "Hey, who let it rip?"
I stuck my face in my shirtsleeve,
Stared down at my shoes.
Lord, you could hear a pin drop,
As we stood there in the pew...
Heads were turnin',
Eyes were burnin',
Momma stuck her nose in her purse,
After daddy cut the big one ..
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church.
He cut the big one,
It was a stinker.
Then he broke the silence ~
With a snicker
And us kids started laughin',
'Til I thought we was all gonna burst....
After daddy cut the big one,
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church.
He said, "The devil made me do it..."
Momma said it was the liverwurst....
And that's why daddy cut the big one,
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church.
KEEP SMILING!
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Bethany1
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Always do whatever's next.
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #3 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 9:56am » |
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I am sofa king we todd did.
crack is wack
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #4 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:01am » |
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God at his computer:
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Jimi
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Who loves ya baby!
 
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #5 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:03am » |
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Here is my contribution from Kentucky...........
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe,
and planned to Marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "There's Trouble still".
You can't marry Will, my gal.
and please don't tell ya mother.
But Will and Joe, and several Mo'
I know is yo' half brother.
But Mama knew and said, My child.
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or Marry Joe.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Ghost
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #6 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:04am » |
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Marriage
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty
salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this
to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was
impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a
new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she
has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the
man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was
impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest
boobs. Men are like that, you know.
next
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #7 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:10am » |
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ROFLMAO! 
Here’s another one…
“’It’s our new option for the modern, busy career woman”… 
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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Jimi
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Who loves ya baby!
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #8 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:11am » |
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Ok, one more and then I gotta get to work.
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
>> > local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
>> >
>> > As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
>> > long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
>> > how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was
>> > the root of all the city's problems.
>> >
>> > Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said,
>> > "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
>> > of a long day I like a drink or two That doesn't make me a bad
>> > person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
>> > provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service
>> > clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you
>> > stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass
>> > of scotch!"
>> >
>> > The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my
>> > son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a
>> > powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
>> >
>> > "Look there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a
>> > sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
>> >
>> > "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
>> > touched my lips."
>> >
>> > "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a
>> > devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
>> >
>> > "Well, I really don't know ..."
>> >
>> > "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
>> > drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
>> > glass, it's inside the person."
>> >
>> > "Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
>> > out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
>> > the person
>> >
>> > rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've
>> > aroused a curiosity in me."
>> >
>> > "Well let's go inside and settle this!"
>> >
>> > "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this.
>> > Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned.
>> > Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
>> >
>> > "You're on!" said the guy.
>> >
>> > The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went
>> > into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks,
>> > and could you put one of them in this tin cup please?"
>> >
>> > The bartender sighed and asked,
>> > "Is that nun out there again?"
>> >
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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ExplodingEyeBall
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I can't think of anything clever to put here.
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #9 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:26am » |
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on Jun 9th, 2005, 9:42am, ghost62 wrote:
BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Been there, done that.
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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nani
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #10 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:28am » |
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #11 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:32am » |
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Ghost
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #12 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:34am » |
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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their livings as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles; but he had serious doubts about Louie.
Louie was just a little local farmer who had always tended to keep to himself, because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louie stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Pastor, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles; and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we did."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #13 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:34am » |
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LMAO!! This thread is great...
Nani: "Crack kills."
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #14 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:39am » |
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Pat, we’ve never doubted that you’ve been there done that… 
Nani, I almost fell off my chair with that doggie in the crack pic…bwahahahahah!
Ghost/Jimi – ya’ll ain’t right…lmao!!
Langa 
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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nani
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #15 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:40am » |
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OK one more and then I have to get busy...
A bumper sticker I need to get:
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #16 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 10:43am » |
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I had this on my Jeep for years...
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #17 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 11:25am » |
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Bubba and Jimmy Joe
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he
saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba
pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Betty Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6,
in the middle of nowhere.
Betty Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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pattik
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #18 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 11:29am » |
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Relax lady. It's delivered in a brown paper wrapper, see?
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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giffy76
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #19 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 11:40am » |
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3 guys are drinking at a bar, shootin pool and havin some fun when an old drunk guy walks up to the biggest one and says"your mom is a fat ugly b!tch" and then he turns around and goes back to his stool. the guy just blows it off and goes back shootin pool. about ten minutes later the old drunk walks up to the same guy and says"your mom is th" the big guy interupts him and says.... Go home dad your drunk.
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #20 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 12:22pm » |
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A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "fully loaded" Lexus-and walked over to inspect it closer.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There, standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh!t when you hear the price."
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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LeLimey
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #21 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 1:23pm » |
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Whats the worst thing about having a lung transplant?
The first few times you cough up phlegm it isn't yours.. 
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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giffy76
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #22 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 1:24pm » |
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Mmmmmmm.Chunky!
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #23 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 1:27pm » |
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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broomhilda
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Ride it!
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Re: Funnies for Today...
« Reply #24 on: Jun 9th, 2005, 1:39pm » |
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LMFAO this thread is killing me
All hail Sooty!
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Suck it up Princess...
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