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Topic: TGIF: Funnies (Read 161 times) |
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Carl_D
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After the events of the last week, I am sure I'm not the only one who needs a laugh or at the very least, a smile.
Popes And Lawyers
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'
A Cats Secret Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....
Freudian Slip
Two guys are sitting at a bar talking and one guy asks the other guy, "Man, do you ever have a Freudian slip?"
"What are you talking about?" says the other guy.
"Well I was at the airport the other day and one of the clerks had really big tits, and I meant to say, 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but I accidentally said, 'Could I have have two tickets to Titsburgh."
The other guy says, "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife the other day and I meant to say, 'Could you pass the salt please,' but instead I said, 'Bitch you ruined my life!"
cont...
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Carl_D
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What A Drag It Is Getting Old
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old. "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded. With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00!"
The Church
There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied "It was hard the first week, but then we made it through." He asked the older couple, and they replied "we did not have sex at all for the two weeks." He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said "She dropped a paint can!".
The pastor said "She dropped a paint can?.
The man replied, "She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!".
The pastor said, "I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!" The man said, "That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!"
Pirate Attire
The lookout aboard a clipper ship spots a pirate ship approaching, and yells down to the captain. The captain orders the bosun to bring his red shirt. The captain puts on his red shirt, and successfully leads his crew in fighting off the pirates. The next day, the lookout spots TWO pirate ships approaching. He yells to the captain, who again orders the bosun to bring his red shirt. The captain again wears the red shirt as they successfully repel the pirates. After the battle the bosun asks, "Captain, why do you always wear the red shirt in battle?" The captain replies, "Because, if I am wounded, the crew will not see the blood and lose their courage." The next day the lookout spots SIX pirate ships approaching and yells to the captain. Anticipating the order, the bosun immediately brings the red shirt. "To heck with that!" says the captain. "Bring me my brown pants!"
still more to come...
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Carl_D
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A Few Days Off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
The Wall
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall
and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how
long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Farmer’s Daughters
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
And You Thought Your Computer Was Junk!
Happy Weekend
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LeLimey
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #3 on: May 6th, 2005, 8:27am » |
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Thank you Carl I was waiting for those and you didn't disappoint!! 
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Carl_D
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Glad you liked them. 
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nani
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #5 on: May 6th, 2005, 9:29am » |
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LMAO!!!
I needed those this morning!!!
Thanks Carl!!
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pattik
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #6 on: May 6th, 2005, 10:41am » |
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.Thanks, Carl...a great way to start Fridays!
Pat
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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medic1852
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #7 on: May 6th, 2005, 10:53am » |
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AN OLD CATHOLIC PRIEST WAS DYING. HE SENT A MESSAGE FOR HIS I.R.S. AGENT AND HIS LAWYER TO COME TO HIS HOME. WHEN THEY ARRIVED, THEY WERE USHERED UP TO HIS BEDROOM.
AS THEY ENTERED THE ROOM, THE OLD PRIEST HELD OUT HIS HANDS AND MOTIONED FOR THEM TO SIT ON EACH SIDE OF THE BED, THE OLD PRIEST GRASPED THEIR HANDS, SIGHED CONTENTEDLY, SMILED, AND THEN STARED AT THE CEILING.
FOR A TIME NO ONE SAID ANYTHING. BOTH THE I.R.S. AGENT AND THE LAWYER WERE TOUCHED AND FLATTERED THAT THE OLD PRIEST WOULD ASK THEM TO BE WITH HIM DURING HIS FINAL MOMENTS. THEY WERE PUZZLED BECAUSE THE OLD PRIEST HAD NEVER BEFORE GIVEN ANY INDICATION THAT HE PARTICULARLY LIKED EITHER ONE OF THEM
FINALLY, THE LAWYER ASKED, "FATHER, WHY DID YOU ASK THE TWO OF US TO COME?"
THE OLD PRIEST MUSTERED UP HIS FAILING STRENGTH, THEN SAID WEAKLY, "JESUS DIED BETWEEN TWO THIEVES AND THAT IS JUST HOW I WANT TO GO, TOO."
Rodger
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nani
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #8 on: May 6th, 2005, 11:15am » |
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sandie99
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #9 on: May 6th, 2005, 1:44pm » |
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Got to love the funnies! Thanks!
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Charlie
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #10 on: May 6th, 2005, 5:38pm » |
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Very cool Carl. Thanks for these.
 
Charlie 
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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