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Topic: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!! (Read 236 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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April is a funny month. What is even more funny is, there were no funnies this month. The Funnies this month were not brought to you due to technical difficulties, Inept operating errors and the dangerous influence of neighborhood cats who hijacked a Mike's Hard Lemonade truck and took over the town in a drunken P ussy frenzy. 
My apologies again, and welcome to this special edition of: TGIF Funnies.
Lets start with relationships between Mano and Femano shall we?
For the Men: How to translate what the Missus is trying to say
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want - The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need - The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision - The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want - The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk - The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead - The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset - The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly - The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights - The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient - The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains. - The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes. - The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there - The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise - The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me? - The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me? - The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. - The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat? - The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. - The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me? - The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes - The wife means: No
The wife says: No - The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe - The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry - The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe? - The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish - The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby? - The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling! - The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing. - The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing. - The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really. - The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. - The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
The Layoff
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."
more coming.....
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| « Last Edit: Apr 29th, 2005, 3:15am by Carl_D » |
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #1 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 3:21am » |
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If men truly ran the world
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Pillsbury Doughboy’s Eulogy
Please join me in remembering a great icon – the veteran Pillsbury spokesman.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Now She Is Always On The Phone....
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #2 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 3:31am » |
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The Weiner Trick
Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have enough to buy a drink. Homeless #1 says "Lets go buy a hot dog."
Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?"
Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take the dog and put it down my pants, we go to a bar, order some drinks, drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the money, I'll pull down my zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and then the bartender will throw us out for being gay."
Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2 double Jack and cokes and gulp them down real fast. When the bartender says that will be $10.50, homeless #1 unzips his pants and pulls out the hot dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The bartender jumps over the bar and kicks the two of them out.
The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well, they hit 9 bars and finally Homeless #2 says "Man we're going to have to change or do something else because my knees are hurting from jumping down all the time."
Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the 3rd bar."
People say the funniest things when they're drunk
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too"
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.
The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"
The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
White Like That
An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.
The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!"
The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat girl thingy and shoot the shit."
Cheers!
Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."
He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.
"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.
Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."
Yoda Taking A Break On The Set of "Revenge Of The Sith"
This One Is Just.... PRICELESS!
Ducking and running......
HAPPY WEEKEND
Carl D
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LeLimey
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #3 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 3:32am » |
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Thank you Carl!! 
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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rickyshot
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #4 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 7:48am » |
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 I am dying here. For some reason the racial profiling tickled me but they are all good.
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Kevin_M
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #5 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 8:41am » |
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Lotta great laughs Carl, thanks.
Quote:19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". |
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Kevin M
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Langa
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #6 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 8:43am » |
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Thanks Carl!
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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LadyLuv
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #7 on: Apr 29th, 2005, 12:20pm » |
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Thanks Carl..... what a great jump start for the week end.. - thought they all were great, but I really got a big laugh out of the racial profiling...
Peace & Blessings
Lady Luv....
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sandie99
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #8 on: Apr 30th, 2005, 8:07am » |
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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BarbaraD
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Hugs to ya
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #9 on: Apr 30th, 2005, 12:38pm » |
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20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and Point a hair dryer at passing
cars. See If they slow down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't
Disguise your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,
Ask If They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.
Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine
Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write
"For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance
With The Prophecy."
8. Don't Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh
Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go"
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems
Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You
Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The
Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your
Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard".
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I
Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards
The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives,
They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You
Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
20. Send This To Someone To Make Them
Smile..It's called 'THERAPY"
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #10 on: May 1st, 2005, 2:48pm » |
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I think I just reached enlightenment - or at least I just blew Mountain Dew out my nose reading that list Barb!!!
Love 'em all, but have been using the "You want fries with that?" line since my fast-food days.
Another one I still use is, if I go to Jack In The Box or someplace, when they ask "Will that be for here or to go?" I always answer "Yeah."
If I go to a Mini-Mart to buy cigs or whatever, when they ask me if I have any gas, I tell them "Not really. Just a bit of a bloated-puffy feeling."
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Charlie
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Happy to be here
   
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Re: TGIF: The Funnies are BACK!!!
« Reply #11 on: May 2nd, 2005, 3:21am » |
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Here I am minding my own business and this thread pops up. You're killing me. Thanks Carl for starting this one.
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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