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Topic: TGIF: Funnies! (Read 180 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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The Three Ducks
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced enough to have learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had."
The Upset Nuns
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".
Leaving Their Mark Upon You
A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
If They Married…
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
(Continued Below)
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PrettyH8Machine
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Price Check!
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Meathead The Parents!
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"
Cheater, Cheater
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you, I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
Go Here To See “Alien” in 30 seconds, as performed by the Bunnies
http://angryalien.com/0704/alienbunnies.html
I’d Kick That Bunnies Ass In A Heartbeat Jack!
A New Cellphone…For Her Pleasure.
SUMO – BALLET!
Happy Weekend Y'all
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| « Last Edit: Apr 8th, 2005, 10:20am by Carl_D » |
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Langa
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!
« Reply #2 on: Apr 8th, 2005, 12:55pm » |
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These were great! Thanks Carl!
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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nani
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Got kudzu?
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!
« Reply #3 on: Apr 8th, 2005, 1:17pm » |
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Those names ones were cracking me up!!
Thanks!!!
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Ghost
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!
« Reply #4 on: Apr 8th, 2005, 2:47pm » |
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I really needed that today Thanks ALOT!!!!
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Charlie
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Happy to be here
    
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!
« Reply #5 on: Apr 8th, 2005, 7:47pm » |
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Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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BarbaraD
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Hugs to ya
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!
« Reply #6 on: Apr 8th, 2005, 8:25pm » |
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Thanks Carl
Hugs BD
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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