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Topic: Snappy comebacks and words to live by (Read 536 times) |
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nani
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Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:06pm » |
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1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full
of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a
damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was
young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't
give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I
had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma
to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be
...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of
it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just
wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different
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seasonalboomer
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #1 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:11pm » |
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"Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again. "
That one's really usable -- I love it.
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Langa
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #2 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:18pm » |
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These are great Nani! 
Personal fave: #15...lmao!
I like the “your momma is so fat, or your momma is so ugly” jokes…Someone I once knew was very good at these…always cracked me up!
Langa
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Ghost
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #3 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:20pm » |
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I can use most of these 
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***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Jeepgun
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #4 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:20pm » |
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"Yo' momma' so fat, she got her own zip code!!"
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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LeLimey
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #5 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:22pm » |
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I love these!! Thanks Nani
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Gator
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #6 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:47pm » |
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on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:20pm, Frank_W wrote:| "Yo' momma' so fat, she got her own zip code!!" |
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Your momma is so ugly when she was a kid, they had to tie a T-Bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
Editted to add: 39 and 40 were two of my favorites.
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| « Last Edit: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:48pm by Gator » |
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Jeepgun
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #7 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 4:51pm » |
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#25 and #27....
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Gator
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #8 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 5:02pm » |
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Your momma's so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
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Killroy 2.0
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #9 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 5:06pm » |
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Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different
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echo
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #10 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 5:11pm » |
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Yo mamma's so fat I'd need to pack a lunch to walk around her.
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
Proud Dad of a US Marine, and a former Marine turned Police Officer.
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LeLimey
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #11 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 5:11pm » |
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Gator seeing as how you are another Emo fan here are some quotes especially for you!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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Jeepgun
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #12 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 5:32pm » |
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LMAO!! Helen, these are hilarious!!
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Charlie
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #13 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 6:49pm » |
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These are damn funny.
I agree with your choosing #25, Frank. I spit up on the keyboard.
Charlie 
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nani
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #14 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 6:53pm » |
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My favorites:
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to see it my way.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was
young and stupid.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Langa
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #15 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 7:38pm » |
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Those Your Momma is Fat and Ugly jokes cracked me up! LMAO!!!
More, More!!!!
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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Gator
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #16 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 8:06pm » |
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 ROFLMAO, Helen!!! I'm wiping tears fro my eyes here. Thanks!!!
Your momma's got more chins than the Chinese phonebook!
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nani
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #17 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 8:08pm » |
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You know...as a "momma"...I'm highly offended. Your mommas didn't teach you to be sensitive enough. 
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Langa
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #18 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 8:15pm » |
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Quote:
Want a donut? I'll throw in some sprinkles on this one...just for you lovey. 
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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Jeepgun
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #19 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 8:20pm » |
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"Yo' mamma so fat, if you broke her leg off, gravy would come out!"
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Langa
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #20 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 8:21pm » |
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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AussieBrian
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #21 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 10:23pm » |
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So ugly she couldn't turn a vibrator on.
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Gator
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #22 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 10:57pm » |
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Your momma was so ugly as a child they would sit her up in a corner and feed her with a slingshot.
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sandie99
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #23 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 11:29pm » |
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Thanks, Nani! 
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Langa
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Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by
« Reply #24 on: Apr 6th, 2005, 11:37pm » |
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on Apr 6th, 2005, 10:57pm, Gator wrote:Your momma was so ugly as a child they would sit her up in a corner and feed her with a slingshot.
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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