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Topic: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond (Read 251 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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I almost forgot it is Friday. Where did the time go? I think I am having Deja Vu and amneisa at the same time. It seems I've forgotten this all before.
Confucious say...
...woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
...man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
...boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
...he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
...woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
...he who masturbate, screw only himself!
...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
Wit and Wisdom
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #1 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 1:06pm » |
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Pearls of Wisdom
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent -education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep.
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk?
"Work fascinates me" I can watch it for hours.
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say?
Happy weekend!
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nani
CH.com Alumnus
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Got kudzu?
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #2 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 1:34pm » |
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Quote:Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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My favorite one! 
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #3 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 4:23pm » |
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Quote:| "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep. |
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This one cracked me up!
These are great...thanks Carl!
Langa 
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
 
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #4 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 4:31pm » |
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Quote:| "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." |
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I loved this one.. I turn the vacuum cleaner on to get rid of the dog so I can eat a bar of chocolate in peace!
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Sylvan
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #5 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 4:51pm » |
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on Mar 25th, 2005, 1:06pm, PrettyH8Machine wrote:
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say?
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Love It!
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BlueMeanie
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #6 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 5:00pm » |
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LMAO. Have a good weekend Carl.
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Biker
New Board Old Timer
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #7 on: Mar 25th, 2005, 6:19pm » |
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Earth has a place for all of God's Creatures. Right beside the mashed potatoes.
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Ride it like ya stole it.
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #8 on: Mar 26th, 2005, 9:17am » |
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on Mar 25th, 2005, 6:19pm, Biker wrote:| Earth has a place for all of God's Creatures. Right beside the mashed potatoes. |
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Good one!
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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sandie99
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Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
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Re: TGIF: Funnies! Wisdom From Beyond
« Reply #9 on: Mar 26th, 2005, 10:04am » |
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Good ones! thanks!
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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