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Topic: TGIF: Funnies. A Hard Drive with a Microsft (Read 200 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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TGIF: Funnies. A Hard Drive with a Microsft
« on: Mar 11th, 2005, 3:22pm » |
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Running a wee bit late, but hey...better late than roadkill.
BTW - I heard Martha started taping rehearsals for her new show. She taught how to make a pair of Knunchucks out of a broom, and there was very little difference in her except for when she end the taping with "It's a damn good thing,yo."
This has neither been confirmed or denied:
An insider said that Martha learned how to make Methamphetamine while in prison. She tweaked the recipe a little bit to give it a fresh flavor. She calls it "Martha's Crystal Meth-A-Mint!" 
Microsoft VS. GM
At a computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car98" or "CarXP", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
 The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12) Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13) Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.”
MICROSOFT RESTAURANT
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax
He's dead Jim! Isn't He?
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
(con't)
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: TGIF: Funnies. A Hard Drive with a Microsft
« Reply #1 on: Mar 11th, 2005, 3:44pm » |
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Pearls of Wisdom
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent -education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep.
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk.
"Work fascinates me" I can watch it for hours.
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say?
This Says It All!!!
I Can't Understand A Word This Kid Is Lip-Synching, but the song is kinda cool, different indeed.
http://www.joked.com/view.php?id=1071&t=Numa_Numa_Dance_Cyber_Dancer _Video&item_nr=1&total=235
Speaking of Harddrives...
A Warning To All Women and Some Men
Again folks, sorry I was late with the funnies this week!
Happy Happy
Phroek
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nani
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Got kudzu?
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Re: TGIF: Funnies. A Hard Drive with a Microsft
« Reply #2 on: Mar 11th, 2005, 3:46pm » |
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These are great, Carl... 
Thanks. 
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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ExplodingEyeBall
New Board Hall of Famer
I can't think of anything clever to put here.
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Posts: 2589
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Re: TGIF: Funnies. A Hard Drive with a Microsft
« Reply #3 on: Mar 11th, 2005, 4:14pm » |
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I'm sure they were funny but I couldn't read them because of my shaky, blurred vision.
Thanks any way!!
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| « Last Edit: Mar 11th, 2005, 4:15pm by ExplodingEyeBall » |
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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