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Topic: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spring! (Read 172 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spring!
« on: Mar 4th, 2005, 6:48am » |
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In honor of Martha's release...
How 'bouts a flashback shall we?
Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart.
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
New Martha Stewart Prison Movies!
She did a little acting while in the pen.
Out of Attica
Gone With the Window Treatment
The Longest Yard (of Imported Silk Gingham Fabric That Would Make a Delightful Throw Pillow)
The Shawshank Redecoration
Midnight Espresso
Desperately Seeking Souffle
And my favorite…
Martha's StrangeLunch, or How She Learned to Quit Worrying and Eat Both Her Soup and Her Dessert With the Same Spoon
Martha’s top 15 ‘OTHER’ mistakes!
15. Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she'd spent all morning baking.
14. Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.
13. Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.
12. Didn't use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.
11. Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU *MAD*, WOMAN?!?
10. On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.
9. Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.
8. The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!
7. Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.
6. Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.
5. Forgot that it's red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.
4. Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.
3. Accidentally voted for Buchanan in '00.
2. Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.
1. Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.
But it’s not all about Martha now is it?
(con't)
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| « Last Edit: Mar 4th, 2005, 6:48am by Carl_D » |
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spr
« Reply #1 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 6:58am » |
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The Top Bumper Stickers!!!
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Roll Student
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better
If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings”
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Illiterate? Write Us For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom!
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious
And my fave –
HOOKER ON BOARD!
The Layoff
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."
A Blonde Goes to School…
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mom,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mommy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Mom replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mommy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Mom replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mommy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Mom replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?”
Beavis Opens His Own Business!
Can Ya Believe We Held That For The Whole Battle?
Ya Gotta Love State Welcome Signs
Happy Weekend!
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LeLimey
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
 
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Re: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spr
« Reply #2 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 7:31am » |
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Quote:| Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult |
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Yup thats me
Quote:| Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window |
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laughing and hiccuping with tears running down my face.. imagining it! Oh God.. 
thanks for the laughs !
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Langa
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spr
« Reply #3 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 7:50am » |
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Thanks for these Carl! I look forward to them...
By the way, where can I get one of these bumper stickers?:
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass
Especially for driving in NY... 
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spr
« Reply #4 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 8:17am » |
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Honk if anything falls off. That should definitely be on my Jeep. LOL
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Kevin_M
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withered branches grow green again.
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Re: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spr
« Reply #5 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 12:02pm » |
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on Mar 4th, 2005, 6:58am, PrettyH8Machine wrote:| Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? |
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My definite favorite.
Great blonde joke too Carl.
Thanks bud, good work. 
Kevin M
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Charlie
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Happy to be here
   
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Re: TGIF: Funnies -Martha's Sprung In Time For Spr
« Reply #6 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 3:26pm » |
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Next?
Mean Old Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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