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Topic: Anyone besides me need a laugh today? (Read 271 times) |
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Tiannia
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Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 11:53am » |
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THE GOOD NAPKINS!!!!!
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the tails in so they didn't hang off the edge! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #1 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 11:57am » |
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ROFLMAO!!
When I was in 3rd grade, there was a little girl who was using a pantyliner as a "pillow" to line the inside of her pencil box. The teacher took her aside and had a little talk with her. LOL! 
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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minnie
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my greatest joys are my daughters April & Beth
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #2 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 11:59am » |
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Thank you for the laugh Tia.it was so needed.
memo to myself don't explain them as in the story
Minnie
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sandie99
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #3 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:08pm » |
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I like to laugh every day... 
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"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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alienspacebabe
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #4 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:26pm » |
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However: One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. At two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." With great trepidation, he slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
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alienspacebabe
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #5 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:40pm » |
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Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camo and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Worse: She turns you on.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: He was a counterfeiter.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Worse: She's a lot better in bed than your wife.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's on her way in. Worse: there's a big group of guys behind her.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
In light of a recent court decision allowing medical clinics to accept credit cards for their services, several sexual dysfunction clinics have announced that they will now accept major credit cards as payment for telephone counselling. They include:
• The Clinic for Treatment of Voyeurs will take the "Discover" Card.
• Those getting treatment at the Bondage and Discipline Clinic can charge to their "MasterCard".
• Patients at the Treatment Center for Extramarital Affairs with Foreigners will pay with their "Visa" cards.
• The Oral Sex Dysfunction Institute will accept "Diners Club".
• Patients at the Premature Ejaculation Clinic can pay with their "American Express".
• The new Center for the Treatment of Persons who Think they can have Sex with Anyone will take "Carte Blanche".
"We're still trying to find someone to take the Shell Oil card," said a credit card industry spokeswoman.
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Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
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Jimi
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #6 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:44pm » |
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ASB, you ain't right 
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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alienspacebabe
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yup. i am. i do. uh huh. you know it hon.
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #7 on: Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:54pm » |
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on Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:44pm, Jimi wrote:| ASB, you ain't right |
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thank you.....
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Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
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nani
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #8 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 12:30am » |
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on Mar 3rd, 2005, 4:44pm, Jimi wrote:| ASB, you ain't right |
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Ditto...but you sure as hell make me laugh!
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #9 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 8:25am » |
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ROFLMAO!!
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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Killroy 2.0
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #10 on: Mar 4th, 2005, 9:29am » |
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I so need a laugh today
Thank you
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iwannabeer
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Re: Anyone besides me need a laugh today?
« Reply #11 on: Mar 5th, 2005, 6:13am » |
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This is a little long, but funny:
WHY PARENTS DRINK
>>
>> The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
>> urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's
>> home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>> "Hello."
>> "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>> "Yes," whispered the small voice.
>> "May I talk with him?"
>> The child whispered, "No."
>> Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
>> Mommy there?"
>> "Yes."
>> "May I talk with her?"
>> Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
>> asked, "Is anybody else there?"
>> "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
>> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
>> asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>> "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
>> "Busy doing what?"
>> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
>> answer.
>> Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
>> helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
>> that noise?"
>> "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
>> "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
>> In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
>> landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just
>> a little frustrated the boss
>> asked, "What are they searching for?"
>> Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
>>
>> "ME."
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