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Topic: how would you help this ch'er? or would you? (Read 694 times) |
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Peppermint
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how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« on: Feb 14th, 2005, 9:57am » |
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Hi, Happy Valentine's Day and Love to you - we all need it one way or another  .
My mind has been in conflict with this situation for the past few months. You may recall me asking about this....
My friend/ex-friend, someone I'm not speaking to right now, who is a clusterhead, is getting deeper and deeper - drugs. He started doing speed to stop the clusters or at least keep them at bay, so he says (he is chronic).
I cut him off, since he was asking me to help him out by sending stuff to him that could put me in some kind of jeopardy. Needless to say, he hasn't tried to contact me either since I think he's got the picture now that I'm not going to put myself in that position.
My dilemma: I still think know he needs help, and I am not happy about totally abandoning him and the friendship altogether. The only experience I have of being close to someone in deep like that is to cut them off and let them flounder... only to see them really go down, but not for lack of a helping hand. It's not an easy thing to do, and when you care for that person, it hurts you too to see them in that situation, but it also makes me mad  . I was never able to figure a way to help someone in this kind of crisis.
What would you do? Is there a way to help someone like this? Would you completely abandon someone who you know could use your help, or some kind of help? All the programs in the world out there will not help someone who doesn't want it, and does speed really stop the clusters, or is it an excuse he is using to keep doing what he's doing? I feel guilty even asking that and I'm having a hard time with this.
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thomas
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #1 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:02am » |
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You can't climb out of the pit, until you've hit rock-bottom. He has to hit rock bottom in order to start the climb back to the top. It's called tough-love. Hang in there Pep. 
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Religion and sex are powerplays. Manipulate the people for the money they pay. Selling skin, selling God, the numbers look the same on their credit cards. Triptans cause rebounds. Learn it, believe it, live it. I use triptans as the absolute LAST RESORT when treating my CH.
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don
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #2 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:12am » |
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Quote:| or is it an excuse he is using to keep doing what he's doing? |
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Classic and typical addict response.
Rationalize and justify.
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Jeepgun
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #3 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:16am » |
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Ditto what Thomas said. It sounds like he's a drug addict, and using CH as a convenient excuse.
Hang in there, Pepp. 
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Margi
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #4 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:17am » |
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Patty, normally I hate messages that say people have sent you a PM or an email, but ... please check your email (the address you have listed here, I lost your other address). Your post concerns me that this may be a mutual friend?
Keep your wits about you, girl - listen to your instincts and don't do something that doesn't feel right.
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The mad viking
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #5 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:36am » |
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I would say lissen to what Thomas and Frank said
Svenn
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boonie
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #6 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:37am » |
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Sorry for your friend but you can't help anyone unless they are willing to help themselves .That is why this board exists because we are all looking for answers, if he is serious about
looking for answers the most informed clusterheads are here
Boonie
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Tiannia
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #7 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 12:49pm » |
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Pep,
I worked with addicts. I dont do it now, but that is what I went to school for. I spent 6 years of my life working with the mentally ill, and addicts. He will not admit that he needs hemp. Amd I mean REALLY ADMIT IT TO HIMSELF. He can say it all he wants, but until he sees that he is in a tunnel that he cant get out of it means shit. Unitl he hits the bottom. Like Thomas said. As long as there are people around him ( and I know that you care hun) that are willing to even be a sympathetic ear, he will not hit that bottom. He has to find himself truly ALONE. Only then will he get off the "pity pot" (a term from NA) and realize that he needs to be responsible for himself and get his shit turned around. You need to tell him that you care about him, but until he is getting help you can not be a part of his life. He has to make that choice.
Please anytime you want to talk give em a call or email and I will get into Chat or whatever I can. I'll PM you with my number.
I know tha tit is hard. But it is better for him in the long run to take responsibility for himself.
Good Luck Pep,
-Tia
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nani
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #8 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 1:02pm » |
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Be strong, sweetie. Stay strong. There's a fine line between supportive and enabling. The best way you can be there for him is to be there when he's ready to get help. Otherwise, be loving but detached. Pray for his recovery and for strength for you. Huggss and prayers and love, nani
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sandie99
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #9 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 1:22pm » |
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It's quite tough dilemma you're dealing with there. I tried to wonder what I would do in a similar situation...
I'm one of those who would do nearly anything for my friends. But nothing which could put me in danger, no way. Neither should you. There's a line between helping enough and helping too much.
My friend who has been battling eating disorders and depression needs emotionally far more than I can give, a situation which nearly dragged me down, too, until I realised that the only way I can help her is doing it on my own terms.
Your friend/ex-friend is already making you feel guilty. Don't be! I am sure that you have done lots. Now it's his turn to help himself out. But there are things you can still do... Praying for him sounds good to me! I never underestimate the power of a prayer.
Hang on there...
Best wishes,
Sandie
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juvy
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #10 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 2:22pm » |
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this sucks that you're going through this.
1. using speed to stop the ch's that's a cop out. rationalization of drug use
2. he won't get help unti'l he's hit rock bottom, hopefully he'll realize then that he needs it.
3. you'll have to decide how much you can take and how much you're willing to deal with.
There's two scenerios to this and i've experienced them both.
1. he hits rock bottom and gets help after he damn near kills himself not once but several times
2. he hits rock bottom and succeeds in killing himself.
2nd one is extremely hard to deal with but you have to know that you did everything you could and it's not your fault but their choice.
Either way it's a long difficult road. You'll need someone you can count on to support you in this no matter what you decide.
*huge hugs* i wish you strength and i hope he's the first one.
April
aka Juvy
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Sean_C
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #11 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 2:32pm » |
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on Feb 14th, 2005, 10:12am, don wrote:
Classic and typical addict response.
Rationalize and justify. |
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I knew friends that would steal your wallet. then spend hours helping you look for it.
A junky has the ability to overcome all obsticles, and is the master of manipulation.
Drug addiction is something that he'll have to face on his own. Free help is everywhere, he just has to find it himself.
Sorry Patty if its not what you wanted to hear, but its the truth.
Sean................................
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Peppermint
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #12 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 3:02pm » |
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Well....*sigh*
All your replies are pretty much what I expected. And I absolutely agree with all of it. I appreciate all your responses, and believe me, I'm fine, he's the one that needs the help.
Don, I know you have had experience with this type of thing and I was especially looking for your reply. I would think an addict is all alone by the time they reach some type of help service, am I right? I imagine people don't hit rock bottom until everyone turns away... and I mean EVERYONE.
I guess I was hoping that there was something I was missing, something I didn't know....
The rationalization of abuse just seemed to be a little easier to swallow in this case because I know the problems he's had with his insurance, getting meds, getting hit so often and hard, and all the devil brings with clusters... including not having much support from family as well.
I guess though everything comes to a head he will be the one to face the music.
I know he won't listen to me - aside from the addiction he is stubborn. So there is nothing to do but sit and wait.. and let the chips fall where they may.
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When playing in the gym, beware of steel beams. - M. Amyx
Carve your name on hearts, and not on marble. - Charles H. Spurgeon
FYI - I am NOT a clusterhead.
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floridian
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #13 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 3:08pm » |
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You don't have to completely abandon or cut someone off, but you should take steps to protect yourself if you see this person as a danger.
You can keep on talkin on the phone, emailing him, etc, you just can't support the destructive behavior, can't pretend that you support what he is doing with regards to drugs.
Either he will listen to you and get help, or he won't. Ultimately it is up to him.
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Jeepgun
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #14 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 3:10pm » |
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I know it hurts to see it happening to someone you obviously care about and love, Pepp. Hang in there and be good to YOU, too!
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Charlie
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #15 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 5:02pm » |
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I can imagine what you are going through and it's fine to want to help someone you really care for but not if it jeaopardizes your own well-being.
CH isn't directly life-threatening, it's what else he's doing that is. Your giving him information and telling others is the best you can do for now.
Take care of Peppermint first.
Charlie
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alienspacebabe
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #16 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 5:21pm » |
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Gawd... so many great responses!
I'd have to agree with them... be a friend... listen... and only do as much as you can without losing yourself in the process.
hugs,
Lizzie
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Jackie
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #17 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 5:48pm » |
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Be kind.....be objective and be careful.
Folks with these problems will take you down with them if you let it happen. It is ultimately up to them.....you can't fix it..no matter how hard you try.
Things have a way of working out like they're supposed to.
Jacks 
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Linda_Howell
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #18 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 7:23pm » |
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I think I must have missed something in the last 6 years here.
Since when is "SPEED" any help whatsoever for Cluster headaches?????? I mean even a little bit of help?
They don't call it TOUGH love for nothing. I have a son who is an addict so I know the hearbreak of walking away.
Linda
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Redneck
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #19 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 9:32pm » |
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It is his choice. Be very careful, do not get dragged into something you dont need to. He must hit bottom and make the decision, you cannot do it for him. Your first priority is you, not him. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but true never the less. Be well, Be very careful, remember that only those that wish to be helped can.
(Words from one that has sucker on his forehead) 
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Cerberus
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #20 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 9:47pm » |
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Whussssup Double-mint 
I have experience here...I had a friend committed, once for his Alcoholism. We knew his long history of abusive/self-abusive behaviors would either kill him or his family. We found him Face down in a snow-drift in - 30 weather passed out less than a block from his home. He had tried to walk home drunk from the bar and was so drunk that he passed out cold. He had been lying there 20 or more minutes before his (now ex) wife found him and called me.
While he was in the hospital being treated for exposure and alcohol poisoning, I had the sherriff go to his house and serve him with involuntary committment papers. Nuff said.
Anyhow my point is that I work with the guy again now, he still drinks and it will probably kill him, I let him know how I felt at the time and he resented me for quite some time. We are now at least able to co-exist and still venture to call ourselves friends (there is too much personal history between us not to) I tried to "fix" things for him and it partially worked he at least takes responsibility for his actions, and he still chooses to do what he wants. I am ok with it, and wont lecture him. He has to make it stop for himself.
I don't recommend such drastic measures...but on your end you have to speak your mind and be free of the burden.
Ramonsky
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Jimi
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #21 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 10:44pm » |
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All good advise Pepper and everyone is right on. The reason he doesn't contact you anymore is that you refused to send him items to make his drugs with so he has went on to other people and will continue until he is alone and no one will help him or he commits another crime to support his addiction.
But whatever you do, DO NOT send him anything in the mail, from sinus pills to liquid fire, that may in itself seem innocent but can be used to manufacture his own when he has no money to buy.
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Peppermint
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #22 on: Feb 14th, 2005, 11:09pm » |
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This is beyond enabling Jimi... I would NEVER knowingly put myself in that predicament. I have been taken for a sucker once in a situation that I was totally blind to...but at least I know this time around what the deal is.
Linda, that is a question I asked myself too, but apparently, last time I mentioned this thing if I'm not mistaken, something in that substance fights off clusters.
All I know is, what the fuck is the point of saying "Well it helps me with my clusters" if its going to ruin the rest of your life? Doesn't make sense to me, especially when there are other ways. Especially when there are other people that are willing to BE there for you.
Hey dude, you out there reading this? Well how could you not try the "alternative" treatment but this speed crap sits well with you? Go ahead and lose everything you've worked so hard to get, I give you a few more months.
Come on answer, I dare ya.
All these people here know the pain of clusters, beLIEVe me....supporters and clusterheads alike... and some have helped you indirectly AND directly. Do you remember how that happened???
I've gotten enough feedback, for all the good its going to do you.
Thanks people, I'm done.
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You like apples? How ya like them apples?
When playing in the gym, beware of steel beams. - M. Amyx
Carve your name on hearts, and not on marble. - Charles H. Spurgeon
FYI - I am NOT a clusterhead.
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would you?
« Reply #23 on: Feb 15th, 2005, 8:35am » |
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on Feb 14th, 2005, 5:48pm, Jackie wrote:
Folks with these problems will take you down with them if you let it happen. It is ultimately up to them.....you can't fix it..no matter how hard you try.
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I just recently went through this with a friend of mine who is strung out on meth. He even had a stroke due to the shit, and has ripped so many people off, including me. I'm the type of person who would do anything for anyone. Sometimes that is a strength - othertimes it is a weakness.
I tried to help him, and really wanted him to get into a rehab program. He refused. Then items started missing around my apartment (including some meds even.) Then he started bringing other meth heads around. Finally, after an 11 day binge of doing dope, he figured he'd crash here. I was at my wits end struggling with my own problems of CH, insomnia and Fibromyalgia; this was just the icing on the cake. I confronted him about the missing items, which he swore he didn't take - yet was the only one who could have. Then, while his eyes rolled around in his head I told him "Look, if you want to kill yourself, that is your business...but DON'T make me watch! I've already buried enough friends."
It is hard to try and 'intervene' with someones drug problem. Like Jackie said, you can't fix it; only they can. If you allow them to, they will take you down with them.
The best advice I got during that time came from the peeps here. I stepped outside of the situation and let him do his thing. It is a hard thing to do, especially when you care about the person so much. All you can do, is pray.
Peace,
CD
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Woobie
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Re: how would you help this ch'er? or would
« Reply #24 on: Feb 15th, 2005, 8:57am » |
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on Feb 14th, 2005, 11:09pm, Peppermint wrote:
GOOD FOR YOU PEPPER!!!!!!!!!!
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