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Topic: TGIF: Funnies!!! Now with more pics, and fiber! (Read 452 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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TGIF: Funnies!!! Now with more pics, and fiber!
« on: Feb 4th, 2005, 1:05am » |
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Windows 2000 Errors
1)Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
“Old” is when…
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
FOLLOW DIRECTIONS
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
cont.
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| « Last Edit: Feb 4th, 2005, 4:36pm by Carl_D » |
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PrettyH8Machine
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Three Irish Men
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Top Ten Things To Say To The Office Boss If You’re Caught Sleeping On The Job
10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time.
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercies to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
3. The coffee machine is broken.
2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot.
1. Amen.
Even For The Unlucky Guys!!!
Airport Sex!
If You Can Read This...
Happy weekend!
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AlienSpaceBabe
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on Feb 4th, 2005, 1:05am, PrettyH8Machine wrote:
“Old” is when…
...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
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Good golly... you have no idea!!!
(just be glad I wore a bra under my jammies in Davenport!)
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
So many donuts, such little time...
Gender: 
Posts: 4179
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!!
« Reply #3 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 11:32am » |
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I especially like the "Follow Directions" one... 
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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BlueMeanie
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!!
« Reply #4 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 1:01pm » |
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nani
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Got kudzu?
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!!
« Reply #5 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 1:05pm » |
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Langa
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
So many donuts, such little time...
Gender:
Posts: 4179
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!!
« Reply #6 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 1:38pm » |
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These cartoons are hilarious...co-workers are wondering what the heck's going in my office....
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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PrettyH8Machine
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I think I'm Turning Japanese!
Killer New Breed of Dog
Sexy Kangaroo Pinups!
Your Tax Dollars At Work
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| « Last Edit: Feb 4th, 2005, 4:35pm by Carl_D » |
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Jonny
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Give me a shovel Ill dig my own grave!
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Posts: 26213
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!! Now with more pics, and fiber
« Reply #8 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 4:40pm » |
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................................
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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LadyK-9
New Board Newbie
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
Posts: 23
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!! Now with more pics, and fiber
« Reply #9 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 4:43pm » |
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This is a catchy little one that I got from K-9's dad:
When you call your honey
and her nose is runny,
You might think it's funny,
But it's snot!!!
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
 
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Posts: 11720
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Re: TGIF: Funnies!!!
« Reply #10 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 4:55pm » |
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on Feb 4th, 2005, 4:34pm, PrettyH8Machine wrote:I think I'm Turning Japanese!
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Bloody brilliant! I am gonna copy that one for at work....
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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