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Topic: TGIF: Funnies (Read 234 times) |
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PrettyH8Machine
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Oh Shit! I almost forgot it was Friday. Forgot these before I went to DavCon last week, so here ya go!
The Irish Wedding
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
Questions that have confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Whose idea was it to smoke plants and leafs, and what happened when they got to poison ivy?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
This is where you'll find all the ladies on a Friday night.
more cumming.....
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| « Last Edit: Jan 28th, 2005, 2:07pm by Carl_D » |
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PrettyH8Machine
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These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
REJECTED CONDOM AD CAMPAIGNS
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
Especially in December, gift-wrap your member.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection! Protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, No love.
If yoiu bang her, wrap your wanger
Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
Jim Morrison Reincarnated!
Peace,
CD
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| « Last Edit: Jan 28th, 2005, 2:12pm by Carl_D » |
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Kevin_M
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
withered branches grow green again.
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Posts: 6184
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #2 on: Jan 28th, 2005, 3:56pm » |
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on Jan 28th, 2005, 2:01pm, PrettyH8Machine wrote:| What do you call male ballerinas? |
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A ballserina?
Quote:| Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
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Moreso, because they get the first choice of pork chops while the literate people are still playing soup Scrabble with their cold soup.
Kevin M
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| « Last Edit: Jan 28th, 2005, 4:14pm by Kevin_M » |
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Linda_Howell
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Hearing is one thing. Listening is another.
  
Gender: 
Posts: 6721
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #3 on: Jan 28th, 2005, 6:04pm » |
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Carl, I have missed you're Friday funnies which took over for Nancy's funnies on Saturday.
Thanks hon.
Linda
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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