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Topic: anuther cat jumps outa the bag. (Read 913 times) |
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kimh
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anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« on: Jan 26th, 2005, 1:43am » |
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there is somthing i need to share. i don't really know how to go about it, so if it comes out a tad muddled, bear with me.
when i was twelve, i felt like (and kinda looked like) a young gymnast. Mom and Dad did not have much money and so my practice mat was the back yard grass. I pounded and flipped myself over and over day after day. I would yell to my mom (who was washing dishes in the kitchen window) "look MOM!". And after a while she really did stop and stare at my airborne self doing stuff she scratched her head at.
One summer afternoon i donned that olga corbit outfit and went over to my friend's house to show awf my latest areiels. All afternoon i flew no-hands cartwheels across her glorious huge back yard. It was good to be me. It was great having a best friend who lived around the corner.
My best friend since age 5 and her family had always welcomed me to their home. I was always thrilled to be there and eat their food and play at her house - and have sleepovers.....I was envious how her dad made her a life-sized doll house with tea stuff in it and outfits for dressup. I never had that stuff....
The nite that i did the cartwheels with no hands, her dad was watching. I was invited to sleep over. I was so happy. We painted our toenails and giggled. But i noticed there was no lock on her door. Thought not of it at the time. Her mom and dad went out and we watched movies. We went to sleep. I woke up sometime early in the morning (around 2am) because her father was fondling me. Out of a sound sleep i woke and saw him. My heart was pounding through my eardrums. The world went tipsy turvy. Fear like i never felt. He saw me come awake and pretended he came in to take out the dog (she had a toy poodle who was sleeping on my lap and GROWLING at him). The dog was refusing to go with him. Finally I said GO Jesse, and she went out of the room with him. I laid there for some time and still my ears were roaring and my friend was sleeping next to me. I did not know what to do.... finally i woke her and told her what happened. She immediately began crying and guided me into the kitchen. She had an older sister who lived in Manhattan. She called her older sister and began crying and saying Nancy, it happened again. I was standing there the whole time, feeling like i did something wrong and caused their father to do that to me ( i was remembering flipping around in the back yard).
We went out at 5am in the morning us two girls and I remember comforting her. We walked to a nearby diner.
We came back and she went into her mother and father's room while i was outside the door and told what happened. I heard her mother's GASP and moan. I felt totally responsible for all the misery in that family.
I promised i'd never tell. They told me HE had a problem and that they'd make sure he got help and i should not tell anyone.
Later on i went home and went directly into my room, picked up a book and hid myself behind that book. My mom kept coming into my room and asking was i alright. I would shout that i was FINE leave me alone. I never told ANYONE. I told my mom when i was twenty. She remembered the EXACT day and said she KNEW something was wrong but i would not speak ....
Time went on and i never held it against the family nor my own. Time went on and the man who did this to me is now dead.
Time went on and NO one in that entire family has ever said to me "Kim, our family abused you and we are sorry".
On the rare occasions i talk to them they are pleasant but it's like IT never happened.
I don't think of this all the time. But i do think i put things on my -then- small- shoulders....and it began a pattern that i am no longer comfy with. It is not up to me to carry the emotional burdens of others. Matter of fact i think i am owed a HUGE apology - one that won't come ....what do i do with these feelings???
I know this is not a clusterhead conversation. But where-else to let this out???
I am the "little - big me". I don't want to be that anymore. I just want to be "me". I don't want to bring up my own kids thinking that everything bad that happens to THEM is their fault 
This girl's mom lives not far from me and could at any time make a call and heal both herself and me. She has NOT.
My childhood friend has chosen to live abroad and never ONCE opened up to me about that time...........she ignores it. She is not even particularly friendly to me anymore.
It sits deep down under like an old and salty wound. I've moved on, but it is there, underneath and at times i feel it impacts how i am today as a grown woman with children of my own.
What would you do? Am i wrong to feel a deep and buried sort of ANGER and INJUSTICE? I cannot simply wipe it out of memory as i would like but i do not want the weight of it any longer.
*The mother never allowed her daughters a lock on their door and the father molested both girls b4 me**I remember her GASP that morning. I swear she gasped because the secret was out. I doubt she gave a good godam about me. But that's what happens when YOU are twelve and ADULTS FUCK UP.
I don't know where to put this anymore. Thanks for listening.
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LadyK-9
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #1 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 2:25am » |
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Kimh,
I have had very similar experiences to you. I do not have the answers for you but I will share with you some of my thoughts...
I think that people respond differently when bad things happen. Some people become depressed or angry, some people act out or punish themselves while others try to sweep it all under a rug. I have had the same feelings that you do of anger and confusion. I understand that you suffered and you want them to know just how much. How can they just go on as if nothing ever happened? Shouldn't they pay? Shouldn't he pay? These are the very questions that I have asked myself. Sadly, I don't think that any amount of suffering on their part can give you back what you lost. I understand, it is an injustice, but your anger at them will probably only cause more misery for you in the long run. Maybe, that family can't deal with the shame. Maybe that man that did this to you was the world to his wife and she chose to forget that bad things happened rather then to have her world fall apart. You will make yourself crazy trying to figure out why they did what they did. Again, I know that this is no consolation, but the consolation is in knowing that you are strong! You want to deal with this and to feel better. You can do that. You have to find your own way to come to terms with what happened and to let go of your anger. You did not do anything wrong. You didn't have control over what happened on that night a long time ago but you do have control over your happiness now. You have the right to be happy now and they can only take that away if you let them. I wish you the best of luck.
Jeanette
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Gator
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #2 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 2:36am » |
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I am very sorry to hear of this. My sisters were molested by my step-father. One cannot have children and they think it's because of him. It's a heavy burden for a child to bear. It's also very hard thing for an adult to look back and face their demons.
Psychiatrists can't tell you what to do. They would only make you see what you already know you want or even need to do. Your family here can give you opinions, even though most have never faced this kind of situation. None of it would really matter. The only opinion that really matters in this case is yours.
I think you already know the answer to this question. You just need to find the strength to act on it.
I pray for you for the strength and the courage to do what it is you have to do and for peace of mind when it is done.
Love and Hugs for you my sister,
Mike
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sandie99
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #3 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 3:40am » |
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All I can say that I wish you strength, Kim.
It's a horrible thing which happened to you.
I am glad that you have found, after all these years, the ability to talk about it. Many never will. It's a long process, but you have started it.
I can't imagine what must be going through you friend's family's heads, but if I were one of them, I would be deeply, deeply ashamed.
When my cousin's husband (soon ex) got caught from sexually abusing teenagers, we read about it in the papers like everybody else. They wanted to forget the whole thing and just like your friend's family, pretend like it never happened. I suppose it is easier that way... not to deal with it.
All the best you, Kim.
Sandie
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purpleydog
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #4 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 7:16am » |
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You did good by telling right away, Kim. This is not something to live with lightly. The mother/ family are probably still horrified that it happened, and are hoping it is forgotten, but it doesn't work that way. It will never go away, only the way you deal with it will change. Check your pm's dear.
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Melissa
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #5 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 7:45am » |
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on Jan 26th, 2005, 1:43am, kimh wrote:Matter of fact i think i am owed a HUGE apology - one that won't come ....what do i do with these feelings???
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You let them go Kim. You let them go. I think there are many of us who hold secrets such as you just told. The way I got over mine, is by recognizing it's not my fault, telling myself the guy was fucked up in the head mentally and then let it all wash away.
Before I was able to do so myself, I sure had my share of men problems. Being weary of them, not trusting them or having to look or act a certain way in order to get what I thought was the "right" love. I had built up a HUGE wall around me. Only one man was able to take that wall down (only because I let him) , brick by brick and I will be married to him 7 yrs on Sunday. There are still bricks, but not so many as before.
Anyway, it's a mental challenge and you might never forgive the person, but that's OK. You don't have to. I never did, I just chalked it up to the twisted people in this world and told myself I am so way better than that. May seem a bit conceited, but so fucking what.
I'm here if you ever wanna talk about it.
hugs,
mel
edit to add that yes, it does take years, but with work, your wounds can heal
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| « Last Edit: Jan 26th, 2005, 8:36am by Melissa » |
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Jeepgun
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #6 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 8:00am » |
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God help the man I ever catch hurting children. It will be his last day on this planet.  
I'm so sorry that you have lived with this... The more you tell your story, the more it heals inside. In my opinion, it's not the actual act that does the damage, but rather, the secrecy and shame.
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Renee
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #7 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 8:06am » |
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Kim,
I'm so sorry to hear of your childhood. I too have lived the same.
There is a process of going from victim to survivor that hits many women, usually in their mid 30's or so, as that is when the flashbacks and memories raise their nasty self.
For me, moving from victim to survivor was a LONG road. I approached my Grandmother and her response was "you had an affair with my hubby"? I was 6, 7 and 8 years old and she called it an affair. This was her way of dealing with it.
I am not close at all with that Grandmother and she asked that we never speak of my abuse again.
Therapy can be good as it helps bring out the anger, fear, etc. and then sort of re-file them into a mental place that is organized after dealing with the feelings and why. It is very important for one to get over guilt...guilt for something that was not under one's control as a child.
The best day for me was when I went to the grave of my Grandfather and yelled, screamed and told him how much he had fucked up my life due to his own fucked up desires. I then told him I was no longer going to be a slave to his actions but rather a survivor and I hope he went to hell knowing why.
I could go on but....instead, feel free to pm me at anytime. I've been there and sharing your feelings and thoughts is good! Keeping that secret is harmful emotionally.
Being a survivor instead of being held as a victim, mentally, is a great task worth reaching.
I'm here, just let me know.
Renee
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locolobo
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #8 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 8:28am » |
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Kim...
There are no easy answers, but the fact you spoke right away painted the guilt right upon whom it should be. In my own case, the guy was a friend of the family and an upstanding member of the Church and the community. I can still remember my feelings of utter betrayal when I, at eight years old, told my parents ... then Reverend F. ... only to be damned as a liar. That day, I lost not only "Uncle B", but Church (not Christ) and up until ten years ago, myself.
"Uncle B" died in a car wreck two years later. I can recall being knocked almost across the funeral parlour when I said to my cousin, another of "Uncle B's" chosen few: "I don't care what Reverend F. says, 'Uncle B' is going straight to Hell." I carried the shame of being a "liar" all through childhood ... and was terrified, as I matured, that I would be labelled a fag. I married a woman who'd been sexually abused by her father. It wasn't a good marriage ... but I stayed. I made a promise before God, and only liars break promises.
It wasn't until thirty years after the fact ... after I came home from battling an addiction to painkillers (the head stuff you deal with while you're coming clean draws all manner of debris out into the open) that I confronted my parents.
They thought I'd forgotten.
"Uncle B" drove his car into a rock cut. There was an arrest warrant out for him based on complaints from boys in the Scout Troop he led and the minor league baseball and hockey teams he coached. He had a choice. I didn't.
Kim ... I want you to stand in front of the mirror ... lock eyes with the person in there ... and say "I forgive you." The burden is NOT yours to carry.
Believe in yourself....
Steve
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| « Last Edit: Jan 26th, 2005, 8:35am by locolobo » |
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cat14
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #9 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 9:32am » |
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Hon, I am sooo sorry for you, people who hurt children don't deserve to live in my book. Just like everyone else said talk about, it will built your strength. We are here to listen and send you many So please hang on and come here and talk when ever you need to. The important thing is you know you didn't do anything and you actually helped the family cause he would have started on others too. You saved other children!!!
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #10 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 1:18pm » |
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on Jan 26th, 2005, 8:28am, locolobo wrote:
Kim ... I want you to stand in front of the mirror ... lock eyes with the person in there ... and say "I forgive you." The burden is NOT yours to carry.
Believe in yourself....
Steve
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Believe in yourself....
this was not your fault....
you do deserve a huge apology from that family....
Listen to Steve....
Lizzie
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cootie
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #11 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 3:02pm » |
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Kimmie I KNOW how you feel !!! For sum reason they try to hide or forget about it and not bring it to much notice or attention 'after the fact' and probly to save face and save themelves and it not become too public. Best thing for the guy would of been a BELT in the belfry !! Why we don't do that I dunno at the time !! But for us it NEVER ends......haunts you forever and creeps in at the strangest times. It overwhelms your mind and thoughts....and yeah.....ya wonder if you were the cause oddly enuff ! With me it wasn't a freinds parent......but it was adult men when I was a teenager and I have had a problem trusting older men now cuz I wonder if they aren't all the same....do they have the same thoughts if I talk to them too much......"MOSTLY" l wonder if I am teaseing them talking to them or hanging around ? I have had a few episodes.....I got into trouble for quitting a job as a teen cuz of it but I didn't tell anyone .....didn't tell my parents and hid in my room. My mom was so mad at me.....called me lazy and good for nothin cuz I quit cold turkey a good little job I'd just gotten and close enuff to walk to also. So I took other abuse over it. I fineally told them which shocked them shitless. And the insodent at school was cover'd up cuz they said the guy had several kids and we should leave him alone for the sake of them and not start any stress for him or embarrassment. Um excuse me ?????? I found out later he actually did it to a few other girls.....he got away with it !!! I wish now we had taken the guy to court over or had it announced somehow so it was KNOWN......I had to walk past him daily at school while he stared and whistled at me and his buddies (co-workers) laughed !!!!!! He worked for the school !!! They said to leave it be.....so we did. More mental abuse for me dureing the years I was supposed to be building trusts and character ? Scarr'd for life Pam
PS: the one insodent I was attacked in front of a mirror in a bathroom.....I seen it all happen in the mirror as he did 'his thing'.....try havein that image in yer mind ferever !!! Only way I got away when I did was I told him I had to clear bein gone thru my class teacher and had just split unnoticed but would be RITE BACK. Not sure I would handle it as well now days.....not at all !!
(sorry...got carried away....feels GOOD to talk about it)
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| « Last Edit: Jan 26th, 2005, 3:04pm by cootie » |
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #12 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 3:16pm » |
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Kim,
I've been there too. Don't ever blame yourself or be embarassed about it.
It seems that some people who should be trusted in our society (doctors, priests, friends parents, etc..) just can't seem to keep their hands off of the children.
My experience was in a doctors office at the age of 10 and it had me terribly screwed up until I was in my 30s.
Just remember that:
1) You didn't ask for this to happen.
2) You were in a place where you should have been safe.
3) He is the person who should be embarrased.
4) You are 100% innocent.
Don't let it haunt you.
If you ever need to talk about, I'm all ears.
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floridian
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #13 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 4:15pm » |
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Quote:| On the rare occasions i talk to them they are pleasant but it's like IT never happened. |
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Supressing and denying it is one way to deal with it - not the best way, but a common way.
Quote:| Time went on and NO one in that entire family has ever said to me "Kim, our family abused you and we are sorry". |
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They probably won't. You have to accept the fact that they are warped in various ways, and your desire to heal cannot depend on what they do. Some of their silence is from what was done to them, the shame and injury. That is especially true of the kids/victims. I wonder about the wife of that monster, though, is she just a crappy person?? Not sure how she could know about it and stay with him.
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What would you do? Am i wrong to feel a deep and buried sort of ANGER and INJUSTICE? I cannot simply wipe it out of memory as i would like but i do not want the weight of it any longer. |
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Anger is appropriate, for starters. This is about injustice. You started talking about it, started telling the truth instead of their lies of silence, and that is also good. I don't know what the next step is for you, but I encourage you to think about counseling or a support group for victims of abuse. I think you are on the right path, and I pray that you heal.
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| « Last Edit: Jan 26th, 2005, 4:28pm by floridian » |
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catlind
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #14 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 4:24pm » |
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There's a book, it's called "The Courage to Heal". There is no one answer that is fitting for each survivor. That book can help you put the feelings in the places they belong.
Cat
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Charlie
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #15 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 5:45pm » |
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I'm very sad about this story and the others but there is really no way I can relate to such a thing. All I can say is that you should do what makes you feel better. If it eats away at you, you have only one choice. It's their fault, not yours.
Be kind to yourself is what I'm trying to convey.
Charlie
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Jackie
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Re: anuther cat jumps outa the bag.
« Reply #16 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 5:52pm » |
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Yes.....Charlie said it well.....be kind to yourselves.
It's not your fault....you did nothing wrong.
You are clusterheads....the strongest people on earth....you are all survivors.
Love to you all,
Jacks 
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