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Topic: Quick Comebacks (Read 302 times) |
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Jimi
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Who loves ya baby!
 
 
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Quick Comebacks
« on: Jan 25th, 2005, 5:09pm » |
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We always wish we had quick comebacks for those who asks us if we are having a headache. Here are some fast thinking people.
Snappy Answer #1
> A flight attendant was stationed at the
> departure gate to check tickets. As
> a man approached, she extended her hand for
> the ticket, and he opened his
> trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
> beat she said, "Sir, I need
> to see your ticket, not your stub."
>
> Snappy Answer #2
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys
> at the grocery store, but
> couldn't find one big enough for her family.
> She asked a stock boy, "Do
> these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
> replied, "No ma'am, they're
> dead."
>
> Snappy Answer #3
> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
> stopped for speeding rolled
> down his window. "I've been waiting for you
> all day," the cop said. The kid
> replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
> could." When the cop finally
> stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
> without a ticket.
>
> Snappy Answer #4
> A truck driver was driving along on the
> freeway. A sign comes up that reads
> "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the
> bridge is right ahead of him, and
> he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
> backed up for miles. Finally, a
> police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
> car and walks around to the
> truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
> says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
> truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
> bridge and ran out of gas."
>
>
> Snappy Answer #6
> One day the first grade teacher was reading
> the story of the
> Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to
> the part of the story where the
> first pig was trying to accumulate the
> building materials for his home. She
> read, "...And so the pig went up to the man
> with the wheelbarrow full of
> straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have
> some of that straw to build
> my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the
> class, "And what do you think
> that man said?" One little boy raised his hand
> and said, "I think he said...
> 'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was
> unable to teach for the next 10
> minutes.
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| « Last Edit: Jan 25th, 2005, 5:11pm by Jimi » |
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Jeepgun
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ROFLMAO!!
There I was, 16 years old, wearing a red vest, black bowtie, and white shirt, atop of a ladder in the supermarket aisle, using the price-gun to mark canned goods. There SHE stood, at the bottom of my ladder, peering up at me: Curlers in her hair, Virginia Slim hanging from her mouth, polyester lime green stretch pants... She asked in an ear-piercing whine: "Do you work here?" I looked at her for a long moment and then smiled and said, "NOPE! Sure don't!"
She wandered off down the aisle with a confused look on her face.
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echo
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Chronic and still alive --- I Win!
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #2 on: Jan 25th, 2005, 5:22pm » |
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LMAO Jeep. Too funny. Nice description.
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
Proud Dad of a US Marine, and a former Marine turned Police Officer.
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broomhilda
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Ride it!
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #3 on: Jan 25th, 2005, 5:33pm » |
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LMAO!!!
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Suck it up Princess...
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cat14
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PRICELESS MOMENT, Frank!!!!!
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| « Last Edit: Jan 25th, 2005, 5:51pm by cat14 » |
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Bob P
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Shut up Bob!
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #5 on: Jan 25th, 2005, 6:34pm » |
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I always like the line in the movie Pink Cadillac.
Clint Eastwood leaves Bernadette Peters sitting in the Caddy while he takes care of some business.
A guy in a trenchcoat walks up to her car window,
pulls open his coat and says,
"What do you think of this?"
She answers:
It looks like a penis,
only smaller!
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Mrs. Barlow, I never, and I repeat never, ever pissed in your steam iron.
"SHUT UP HUB!"
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Tara Ann
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It's always darkest before the dawn.
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #7 on: Jan 25th, 2005, 8:13pm » |
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's
your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy
of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up
this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -
Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark
bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks,
and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't
wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into
one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The
attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me.
Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A
guy came over to the house and drove the car around
for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he
gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him
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Gator
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #8 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 1:48am » |
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on Jan 25th, 2005, 8:13pm, taraann wrote:
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into
one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The
attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me.
And without missing a beat he said, "Well, they'll do that."
Here's your sign."
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Redneck! We have a redneck girl here, y'all *oops* I mean you guys. LMAO
You beat me to it, but you left out a part on this one.
Gator
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Gator
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #9 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 2:04am » |
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Have a flat?
No thanks I've got one.
Is it raining outside?
No, I always wet myelf down with the water hose before I come in the house.
I've lost 10 pounds.
Turn around and I'll show you where it went.
You're looking good today, Mike.
Thank you. I've gotten rid of 180 pounds of ugly fat.
I didn't know you were on a diet
I'm not, I divorced my wife.
When I was a patrolman, I stopped this dependant wife of some Air Force major. Dependants can be a royal PITA. Anyways, I gave her a ticket for speeding and she was really snotty and said, "I hope you made you quota for today." I told her, Yes ma'am and thanks to you, I've won the toaster oven." Officially, my supervisor chewed my ass. Unofficially, he died laughing and bought me a beer at the NCO Club.
Gator
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brain_cramps
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #10 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 2:21am » |
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My favorite...
Standing outside a bar having a 'smoke' with a buddy and the new bar-owner walks up and starts giving us shit.
My buddy just stood there with a blank look on his face until the owner yelled "Do you know who I am?"
Without missing a beat, my buddy replies "Why? Did you forget?"
Damn-near fell over laffin!
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sandie99
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #11 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 3:47am » |
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Good stories, folkes! I wish I could come up with few of my own... 
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Jeepgun
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ROFL!! These are great!!
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Tara Ann
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It's always darkest before the dawn.
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #13 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 12:20pm » |
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on Jan 26th, 2005, 1:48am, Gator wrote:
Redneck! We have a redneck girl here, y'all *oops* I mean you guys. LMAO
You beat me to it, but you left out a part on this one.
Gator
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Got me! GIT ER DONE! 
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Sylvan
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #14 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 12:58pm » |
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on Jan 25th, 2005, 5:17pm, Jeepgun wrote:ROFLMAO!!
"Do you work here?" I looked at her for a long moment and then smiled and said, "NOPE! Sure don't!"
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OMG - I get that one almost every day - usually from some idiot that has been standing on line waiting for me to finish with the previous customer.
One of my favorite comeback lines (that probably could have gotten me fired) was a few months ago. This old man was wandering around the store for nearly an hour - complaining out loud to every one there (as well as just ranting to himself) about how horrible America is and how much he hates this country and everyone and everything in it.
After what seemed like hours of tolerating this with a plastic smile - i finally turned to him and said - "You know, there are other countries"
He shut up! And left. Haven't seen him since!
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Jeepgun
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ROFL, Sylvan!
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Biker
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OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
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Re: Quick Comebacks
« Reply #16 on: Jan 26th, 2005, 1:38pm » |
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I once missed an exit on an interstate, whipped the buggy around, and was proceeding to my destination when the blue lights flashed behind me.
The officer was working out a ticket for turning around in the median. I said I was NOT turning around in a MEDAIN, I turned around in that grassy spot back there.
In my younger years, I saw the blue lights flashing way behind me. 3 counties later, I had to relieve my bladder and the blue lights finially caught up. I was asked how fast I was going. My reply was, "I have no clue". He told me that he didnt know either, but please obey the speed limit in his area.
Awwwwww crap. Life use to be so much fun!!!!!!!!
DUI use to be a 25 buck pay on the spot fine, and if ya couldnt pay, they would give ya a ride home, or at least to the state or county line.
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Ride it like ya stole it.
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