Author |
Topic: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!! (Read 374 times) |
|
PrettyH8Machine
Guest
|
 |
TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« on: Jan 14th, 2005, 10:53am » |
 Quote  Modify
 Remove
|
I am bringing back the funnies for Fridays again since, by the time the week is just about over, most of us need a good laugh or two. Considering this has been a heavy week for most, I figured we all could use some comic relief.
The Old Speedster
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied,
"Sir, have a nice day."
None For The Nun
A nun went into a liqour store and asked for a fifth of whiskey. The store owner replied, “Sister, I can’t sell you any alcohol. After all, I don’t think Mother Superior would approve.” The nun let out a small chuckle and said, “Well Sir, it is for Mother Superiors constipation.” The store owner mulled it over and went ahead and sold the bottle of whiskey to the nun.
Later, after the store owner had closed and was heading home, he saw the nun from earlier staggering drunk. He approached the nun and said “Sister! I am shocked and surprised! I thought you said that whiskey was for mother superior’s constipation?”
The nun said “Yessiree. It IS for Mother Superior. When she sees me she is gonna shit all over the place.”
The Money Jars
A guy walks into a bar one day and notices 3 jars full of money. Curious, he asks the bartender what the jars of money are for. The bartender says “Well you see that big guy at the end of the bar? He’s a mean old cuss, and whoever beats his ass gets this first jar of money.”
“Really? What is the 2nd jar of money for?” He asks the bartender.
“We’ve got a pitbull in the back that has a bad abcessed tooth. Whoever pulls the tooth from the dog gets the 2nd jar of money.”
“Really? Well what is the 3rd jar of money for?” He asks the bartender once more.
“There’s an old prostitute staying here who hasn’t been pleasured in a very long time. Whomever brings her that pleasure gets the third jar of…” and before the bartender can finish, the guy races to the end of the bar and beats the hell out of the big guy. Then he chases the dog outside and they hear trash cans being knocked over, the dog barking and yelping, and suddenly the dog runs back into the bar and whimpers to the corner.
Then the guy comes running in and yells “Now where’s that old sleeper with the abcess?”
[b]Mental Health Institute answering system[/b]
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. Someone will call in a day or two, or not.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Post College Job Interview
At the end of a job interview, a young Engineer fresh out of MIT was asked, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.
|
|
 IP Logged |
|
|
|
PrettyH8Machine
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #1 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 10:54am » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
[b]Three Drunk Women[/b]
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
The Drunken Pumpkin!
You gotta love this one!
Have a great weekend!
CD
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
nani
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Got kudzu?
Gender: 
Posts: 7953
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #2 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 10:59am » |
Quote Modify
|
Thanks Carl...I'm always up for a good laugh!!
|
|
IP Logged |
Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
|
|
|
Margi
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Nuthin like a good neck rub!
Gender:
Posts: 3757
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #3 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 11:15am » |
Quote Modify
|
Nancy Lakey would be proud of you, Carl. Thank you! 
|
|
IP Logged |
http://askusaboutourgrandkids.photosite.com/
And, on the Eighth Day...God created Beer (to stop the Canadians from taking over the world)
source unknown
IMHO (which in my universe is correct)
kathy copelin, ch.com 8/8/06
|
|
|
Jeepgun
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #4 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 11:23am » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
LOL! These are pretty good, Carl! Although, I will admit, "blowing Chunks," made me a bit queasy... LOL
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Hirvimaki
New Board Hall of Famer
Quod me nutrit me destruit.
    
Gender: 
Posts: 1105
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #5 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 11:36am » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jan 14th, 2005, 11:23am, Jeepgun wrote:| I will admit, "blowing Chunks," made me a bit queasy... |
|
You blew Chunks, too? Damn! I'm staying away from whatever you were drinking! 
Hirvimaki-Isi
|
|
IP Logged |
"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others."
|
|
|
PrettyH8Machine
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #6 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 12:14pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
on Jan 14th, 2005, 11:15am, Margi wrote:Nancy Lakey would be proud of you, Carl. Thank you!
|
|
Awww shucks Margi. Just glad when I can bring a smile to anyone who needs it.
BTW - Whatever happened to Nancy & Rich? Anyone still in touch with them?
LYG,
CD
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Donna_D.
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH needs volunteers
Gender:
Posts: 2618
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #7 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 12:18pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jan 14th, 2005, 11:23am, Jeepgun wrote:| LOL! These are pretty good, Carl! Although, I will admit, "blowing Chunks," made me a bit queasy... LOL |
|
Jeep's Dog...
CHUNKS!!
DD
|
|
IP Logged |
 The information contained above is for the expressed use of fellow clusterheads and their supporters. Any misuse of this information by any of my "Ex's" is considered to be creepy and a form of harassment and will be duly noted by the ch.com webmaster 
|
|
|
Jeepgun
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #8 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 12:29pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Holy shit... I walked right into that one! Hirv, you goofball!
Donna, I saved that photo!! That's hilarious!! 
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
broomhilda
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Ride it!
Gender:
Posts: 2533
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #9 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 12:35pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Thanks for the laughs
|
|
IP Logged |
Suck it up Princess...
|
|
|
Hirvimaki
New Board Hall of Famer
Quod me nutrit me destruit.
Gender:
Posts: 1105
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #10 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 12:37pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jan 14th, 2005, 12:29pm, Jeepgun wrote:| Holy shit... I walked right into that one! Hirv, you goofball! |
|
Happens to the best of us. Regardless, I'm locking away the dogs if you come for a visit.
Hirvimaki-Isi
|
|
IP Logged |
"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others."
|
|
|
Jeepgun
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #11 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 1:12pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
Adds new meaning to "doggy style." 
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
PrettyH8Machine
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #12 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 1:24pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Killroy 2.0
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Kilroy 2.0 is Here! Kilroy 2.0 is Everywhere!
Posts: 1426
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #13 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 5:07pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jan 14th, 2005, 1:12pm, Jeepgun wrote:| Adds new meaning to "doggy style." |
|
Thats just wrong jeep, just sick and wrong 
|
|
IP Logged |
Do the walls speak to you? Do you follow the Geek Messiah? DO YOU COMPLY?!
|
|
|
Jeepgun
Guest
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #14 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 5:29pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
Thank you! Thank you very much! *taking a bow*
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
BikerBob
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 680
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #15 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 5:39pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Speaking of dogs...
My neighbor has a very special dog that needs a new home.
He said the dog is really friendly and lovable with children.
But his wife said the dog makes her very nervous when it
stares at her and she wants it out of the house. Here's a
picture of the dog....
.
.
.
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Charlie
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Happy to be here
 
Gender:
Posts: 14968
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #16 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 10:04pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Youse guys are sumpin' 
That image is fuckin bizarre too. Thanks kids.
Charlie
|
|
IP Logged |
There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
|
|
|
nani
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Got kudzu?
Gender:
Posts: 7953
|
|
Re: TGIF: The Friday Funnies Are BACK!!!
« Reply #17 on: Jan 14th, 2005, 10:10pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I'm going to end with a nightmare of Frank blowing "chunks" and that really creepy dog face....*shiver* 
|
|
IP Logged |
Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss