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Topic: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies (Read 399 times) |
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Jeepgun
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Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:18pm » |
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(Eh... Replies actually submitted by Yours Truly) 
Love & Laughter,
-Frank
"Dear God,
I know you are supposed to love your neighbor, but if Mark keeps taking my other skate he is going to get it.
-Kevin"
Dear Kevin,
If he takes your other skate, use the one you have left to clobber him.
-God
"Dear God,
I try to be like George Washington and never lie but sometimes I miss.
-Ralph"
Dear Ralph,
That's okay. George Washington missed a lot, too.
-God
"Dear God,
I want to be an inventor but I don't know what to invent.
-Carl"
Dear Carl,
Step away from the explosives! CARL!!
-God
"Dear God,
Donald broke the jar not me. Now you have it in writing.
-Jane"
Dear Jane,
Nice try, but I see everything. Hey, is that thunder in the distance?
-God
"Dear God,
We got a lot of religion in my house so don't worry about us.
-Teddy"
Dear Teddy,
I'm truly sorry for you.
-God
"Dear God,
I have pictures of all the leaders except you.
-Norman"
Dear Norman,
I was having a bad hair day when it was time for faculty portraits, so I hid in the restroom.
-God
"Dear God,
I would like to be a teacher so I can boss people around.
-Jennifer"
Dear Jennifer,
If only it truly worked that way... Hey, pass me some Tylenol, would ya'?
-God
"Dear God,
I have to know who Shakespeare is before next Friday.
-Melissa"
Dear Melissa,
Ever hear of Cliff's Notes? You'd better get crackin'!
-God
"Dear God,
I love you God. During arithmetic a dog came in
-Krista"
Dear Krista,
I love you too. Please see about getting your ADHD medications adjusted.
-God
"Dear God,
I want to get married but no one will do it with me yet.
-Dody"
Dear Dody,
Uh... let me get back to you on that....
-God
"Dear God,
Mrs. Coe got a new refrigerator. We got the box for a clubhouse. So that's where I'll be if you are looking for me.
-Marvin"
Dear Marvin,
Can I come over for cookies if I guess the secret password?
-God
"Dear God,
On Halloween I am going to wear a devils costume. Is that alright with you?
Marnie"
Dear Marnie,
Yeah, that's groovy with me. I'm thinking about dressing up as a hot nurse, myself... (Now where did I put those heels?)
-God
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| « Last Edit: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:21pm by Jeepgun » |
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #1 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:18pm » |
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(continued)
"Dear God,
Is Mother Nature in your family?
-Linda"
Dear Linda,
Yes, Mother Nature is in my family, but she's rather wild and we don't talk about her much.
-God
"Dear God,
When you made the first man, did he work as good as we do now?
-Tom"
Dear Tom,
Not until I started beating him on a regular basis.
-God
"Dear God,
Can you marry food?
-Martha"
Dear Martha,
It's never to early to sign up for Jenny Craig. Do it. Do it now.
-God
"Dear God,
Are boys better than girls? I know you are one, but try to be fair.
-Sylvia"
Dear Sylvia,
I love all my children, but yes, I'm afraid boys are better than girls. Sorry to rain on your parade.
-God
"Dear God,
I am adopted. Is that as good as being real?
-Paul"
Dear Paul,
Have you ever read "The Velveteen Rabbit"? I suggest you do so.
-God
"Dear Mr. God,
How do you feel about people who don't believe in you? Somebody else wants to know.
-A friend, Neil"
Dear Neil,
There are people who don't believe in me? Really? Neil, this is a joke, right? Neil, I'm not very happy at the moment.... NEIL?!
-God
"Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?"
-Norma
Dear Norma,
That was one hell of a bender... Phew!! I'll never drink that much wine again! *hic!*
-God
"Dear God,
How did you know you were god?
-Charlene"
Dear Charlene,
Mrs. God told me I was.
-God
"Dear God,
When you make it rain, how do you know how long to do it?
-Terry"
Dear Terry,
I generally stop when people start building boats on the sides of mountains and herding animals into them.
-God
"Dear God,
Do plastic flowers make you mad? I would be if I made the real ones.
-Lucy"
Dear Lucy,
People actually make PLASTIC FLOWERS??? Wow... What's next? Fake grass and trees?! What? What do you mean, 'They already have them'??? Lucy, I'll get back to you on this.
-God
"Dear God,
Your book has a lot of zip to it. I like your science fiction
stories. You had very good ideas and I would like to know where you found them.
-Your reader, Jimmy"
Dear Jimmy,
I planted lots of peyote and opium out there in the desert. Pretty cool stuff, huh?
-God
"Dear God,
Why isn't Mrs. God's name in the bible? Weren't you married to her when you wrote it?
-Larry"
Dear Larry,
Mrs. God was busy doing the laundry and... (Uh-oh... She's calling me and she doesn't sound happy. Gotta go!)
-God
"Dear God,
If we had fur like animals we wouldn't have to wear clothes. Did you ever think of that?
-Wally"
Dear Wally,
I created perfection. Man created shame.
-God
"Dear God,
Why do I have to pray when you already know what I want? But I'll do it if it makes you feel better.
-Sue"
Dear Sue,
Because it is fun to play dumb sometimes so that I can sit and talk with you at leisure.
-God
"Dear God,
How come you are never on TV?
-Kim"
Dear Kim,
Because they cancelled "Cheers."
-God
"Dear God,
Count me in.
Your friend, Herbie"
Dear Herbie,
Don't be an ass-kisser.
-God
"Dear God,
When I wake up I am glad you left everything right where it was.
-Chris"
Dear Chris,
Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I enjoy screwing with you and hiding your keys, or your favorite toy, or making your Frisbee get stuck on the garage roof. I can't help it: I have a mischievous streak! Sue me!
-God
"Dear God,
I didn't think orange went very good with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tue. That was cool.
-Eugene"
Dear Eugene,
Thanks. Mrs. God said it wasn't good enough, though. I'll try harder.
-God
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LeLimey
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #2 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:34pm » |
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Dear God why did you make woman when you had already made man?
Helen
Dear Helen, Man was just the beta version. I ironed out all the wrinkles and made it perfect second time around
God
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #3 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:45pm » |
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I couldn't argue with that.  Women are NICE!! 
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LeLimey
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #4 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:47pm » |
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Awww.. come back and fight ya wuss!
Frank's no fun *kicking dirt* 
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #5 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:52pm » |
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Dear Helen,
Man told me that he needed someone to do the laundry, fold the clothes, cook the meals, wash the dishes, scrub the toilet, and mop the floors so that he could get on with conquering the world, creating great works of art, and building magnificent buildings. So I created women.
-God
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #6 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:56pm » |
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Dear God,
Will there ever be world peace?
Your friend, Heather
God ear Heather,
Your parents smoke pot, right?
jimbo
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #7 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 7:57pm » |
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ROFL!
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Langa
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #8 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:00pm » |
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Great replies Frank!
Langa
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LeLimey
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #9 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:02pm » |
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on Jan 9th, 2005, 7:52pm, Jeepgun wrote:Dear Helen,
Man told me that he needed someone to do the laundry, fold the clothes, cook the meals, wash the dishes, scrub the toilet, and mop the floors so that he could get on with conquering the world, creating great works of art, and building magnificent buildings and bombing the buggery out of them. So I created women.
-God |
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Kris_in_SJ
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #10 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:16pm » |
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Dear God,
I just realized Frank changed his picture. I don't know which one I like best. What should I do?
Kris
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #11 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:18pm » |
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Dear Kris,
Print it out, get it expanded, then paste it over your dartboard.
-God
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nani
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #12 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:20pm » |
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LMAO...
Dear God, my friend Frank has delusions of God-ness. Should I call the funny farm? love, nani
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #13 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:24pm » |
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LOL! Hey, welcome back, Nani! (It's about time!) 
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LeLimey
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #14 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:26pm » |
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on Jan 9th, 2005, 8:20pm, nani wrote:LMAO...
Dear God, my friend Frank has delusions of God-ness. Should I call the funny farm? love, nani |
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Nope just get him a dress... its what we God's wear y'know!!
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| « Last Edit: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:26pm by LeLimey » |
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #15 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:34pm » |
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Dear God,
Why the hell did I read this? 
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #16 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:35pm » |
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on Jan 9th, 2005, 8:26pm, LeLimey wrote:
Nope just get him a dress... its what we God's wear y'know!! |
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Honest: It's a kilt!! A toga! LOL!
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Kris_in_SJ
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #17 on: Jan 9th, 2005, 8:49pm » |
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I always knew you had a strong feminine side, Frank!
Kris
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BillyJ.
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #18 on: Jan 10th, 2005, 12:41am » |
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on Jan 9th, 2005, 7:34pm, LeLimey wrote:Dear God why did you make woman when you had already made man?
Helen |
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> First the Lord made man and the Garden of Eden,
Then He said to Himself "There's something he's needin'."
After casting around for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around till he created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and oh ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase Adam's desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two beautiful arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair, hung down over her shoulder, And two
dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
"Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing, Then God
added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.
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PrettyH8Machine
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #19 on: Jan 10th, 2005, 1:40am » |
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Dear God,
Is Elvis as popular in the afterlife as this one?
Ellen
Dear Ellen,
Little darlin' I am Elvis! I'm the king of kings with a hunka hunka burnin' love. Came to the earth for a brief visit and made some really cheesy movies, but then had to hurry back up to heaven when disco emerged in order to oversee that plague.
God
Dear God,
Why do people ask such stupid questions?
Marcie
Dear Marcie,
Why do you ask?
God
Dear God,
Do left-handed people get into heaven too?
Andy
Dear Andy,
Of course they do. They just have to stay on the left half.
God
Dear God,
I don't believe you exist!!!
Pat
Dear Pat,
Touche!
God
Dear God,
If my mother divorces my father, then marries his brother, then leaves him for the mailman, what does that make me?
Ryan
Dear Ryan,
I'd say that makes you pretty confused. Sorry.
God
Dear God,
What do girls do when they all go to the bathroom together at the same time?
Stanley
Dear Stanley,
They compare makeup tips and exchange sanitary napkins. I don't recommend the men do this, which is why a group of men never get up to go to the bathroom together.
God
Dear God,
Why can't I sleep for days at a time? I have had 7 hours total in one week. It is making me crazy, and you wouldn't like me to get crazy now would you?
Carl
Dear Carl,
You've been crazy since day one. Don't blame it on the sleep deprivation. Now go take a Tylenol PM and quit asking me such crazy questions.
God
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Jeepgun
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #20 on: Jan 10th, 2005, 7:16am » |
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LOL! Too funny....
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Donna_D.
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Re: Childrens' Letters to God & God's Replies
« Reply #21 on: Jan 11th, 2005, 1:54am » |
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... A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and, as usual, those pen-pushers deducted $95.00.
DD
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