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Topic: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk (Read 740 times) |
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Carl_D
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Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« on: Dec 24th, 2004, 12:18am » |
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I always said that my aunt spends (spent) so much time on the phone, she'd be buried in a telephone booth. Well, she wasn't. The phone company didn't even send flowers to their most faithful customer - the pricks!
Funerals always suck, especially when I have to see some of my moms family (she was among 12 kids). I was sicker than a dog Tuesday and sucked it up. I guess it was harder on me than I let on, since I was closer to my aunt Diane and her kids than the rest of my family (not counting my cousin Chris who was a dumbass and chose me as his idol, LMAO.) My cousin Marla, not a hello or anything asks "So where ya working?" BITCH!!! Just told her I had to ditch the band due to headaches (again, this part of my life keeps repeating) but what I REALLY wanted to say was "I run a rest home for drag queens whose prime has passed. Hey, maybe you should join us when you're done kicking yer caboose - you'd fit right in!" But I didn't.
When the funeral was over and my brother dropped me off, it took everything I had in me to get up the fucking steps to my apartment. It's bad enough I feel like I have been beat with a baseball bat, just so fucking sore all over all I want to do is scream - thanks to the Fibro I guess. Then I took my temp - 103. Wow. Didn't expect that. Couldn't really lie down though because of the pain, so tried to get comfy in my busted rocker. No sleep for days, and no relief, thanks to a 'friend' who lifted my pain meds and anti-anxiety meds two weeks ago cuz he was out of dope and needed a buzz (and hasn't been seen since.) Haven't been able to get out and make the calls I needed to, get my umfuckingteenth MRI on my back, etc. Yada yada yada, etc. et. al.
The only person who understands me in this world is my guitar. Yes, it is a person to me. It is a loved one, my confidant, and I usually cry through it. Only the music understands what others never will.
So forgive me for not responding to any "Merry" or "Happy" posts. I have no spirit this holiday, and will have to fake it for the kids sake the next two days. It's bad enough that I scraped my last dime (literally) to get my niece and nephew something off of Amazon.CON, but then I find out since it was ordered Dec. 17th, it will not arrive until January 7th, so now what? I guess I'll just tell them on Christmas morning what is on the way. Nothing else I can do. Well, I was finishing a present for someone, and my CD writer took a complete shit on me tonight. So it looks like I'm done making presents. (Yes, I burned CD's for people as gifts. Cheesy I know, but when you're poor...)
I just sent St Nick an email. It reads:
Dear Santa, you miserable old conniving fuck. Thanks for the last few shitty years. I guess you stopped coming to my house when you found out I was the one who made the chocolate chip cookies with Ex-Lax, put tiolet water in the milk, spiked the reindeer food with LSD, and lubed up the chimney so you'd throw your back out coming down it. But that is what you get when you IGNORE my wishlist as a child, and brought me worthless shit, half of it made in Pakistan. I am sick of your bribery with children, using games and toys, and giving the rest of the adults either leatherware, diamonds or electronics. I don't want jack-shit from you Santa, so be forewarned: You come around here, that will be tresspassing and I will shoot your nog-soaked ass out of that fucking sleigh. I mean it Santa. Fuck You - AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!!!!!
There, I feel better.
Peace,
Carl D
P.S. - If I am lucky, salvation in the form of injectable Trex will be waiting for me at my brothers house tomorrow, if I can manage to walk 3 fucking blocks!
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Carl_D
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Re: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« Reply #1 on: Dec 24th, 2004, 12:25am » |
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I have to add, if it were not for music, my sanity would be, well - worse than it already is. Been comforted by The Killers, My Chemical Romance, Scissor Sisters, and another new band called "Taking Back Sunday." They have a song called "This Photograph is Proof" where the guitarist and lead singer sing back and forth... I have listened to that song about 1'000 times today on loop, over and over. Something about that song just shakes me. I think right now though I am gonna throw on the Who - Quadrophenia and try to relax (HA!)
Peace,
Carl D
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don
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Re: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« Reply #2 on: Dec 24th, 2004, 12:30am » |
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One question.
What are you doing to help yourself?
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Carl_D
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Re: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« Reply #3 on: Dec 24th, 2004, 12:41am » |
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Doing everything I can to stay sane - including trying to find a neuro who KNOWS HIS SHIT about clusters and Fibro, and find out what is screwing my legs up. (Trying to be proactive to this shit instead of reactive.) I am also fighting Medicaid to try and get more Trex per month ( 5 vials a month is a joke for CH.) Been getting counseling, and even started going to a friends church.
Currently looking for a ground floor apartment as well, since the steps are becoming an obstacle. Basically doing all I can, when I am able. Been working on the book and new music, and doing just about anything I can to distract myself from being in pain.
In other words Don, everything I can
Peace,
Carl D
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lionsound
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Re: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« Reply #4 on: Dec 24th, 2004, 12:46am » |
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Carl,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling down and in pain.
Just so you know, I think that a personal CD would be an amazing gift. A friend of mine made me a "Happy Driving" mix tape 15 years ago and I still play it even though it sounds like it's been run over five times and has outlasted 6 cars.
Those kids will get enough gifts on Christmas...when they get yours in January....they'll be so excited because they will already be bored with what they've gotten from Santa. 
glad you've vented.
PF vibes for you.....
Be well,
Lionsound
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Tim_Z
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Re: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« Reply #5 on: Dec 24th, 2004, 3:23am » |
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Keep doing what you're doing Carl, hang in there brother. Keep up the fight.
Tim
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nani
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Re: Just a f**king punk in a funk, and junk
« Reply #7 on: Dec 24th, 2004, 10:14am » |
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(((((CARL)))))
Sweetie, this has been a really tough year for you. 
I'm glad you have your music to get you through, but I am cautioning you not to hide in it. Maybe this is a good time to think about starting over. Look at housing, like don suggested. Maybe there's a FM support group locally? Reach out, get all the assistance you are entitled to and maybe just one little baby step at a time...claim your life and your happiness back. Make 2005 be the year Carl beats the beasts that are trying to ruin his life. You deserve better things, man...now go out there and get them. Much love and PF holiday wishes, nani
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