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Topic: An oldie but goodie ROFL (Read 285 times) |
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Jeepgun
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As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true because every Christmas morning Jay's kids stockings were overflowing and his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult book store downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does that do?", "Who would buy that?" and "You're kidding me!".
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck, so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line according to the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise' pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY HAPPY. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for Christmas dinner.
My Grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?", she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?", Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?", Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room, but Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?".
Again, I could have answered, but why should I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on."
My Grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fire place?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who died, who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise' collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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nani
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #1 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 9:17am » |
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LMAO Frank. Just curious...any kids around that you had to explain her to? I would've loved to hear that story!
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Jeepgun
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #2 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 9:23am » |
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ROFL! It's not autobiographical, but if it were, my daughter wouldn't miss a beat: She'd be wanting to take "Louise" to the pool in the spring. LOL!
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vig
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #3 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 9:27am » |
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LMAO
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Langa
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #4 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 10:01am » |
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sandie99
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #5 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 10:30am » |
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That story gave me something to laugh about in the middle of kip 8. Thanks! 
sandie99
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Jeepgun
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #6 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 10:41am » |
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Fantastic, Sandie! Sorry to hear that you're getting hit, but glad I could offer some levity.  
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Linda_Howell
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #7 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 6:06pm » |
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Confess Frank. Don made you post that, didn't he?
Linda
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Charlie
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #8 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 6:29pm » |
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Charlie
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Jeepgun
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #9 on: Dec 6th, 2004, 12:05pm » |
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It's true, Linda. Don has managed to infiltrate my tinfoil hat and has seized control of my brain cell. (My very last brain cell)
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Gator
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #10 on: Dec 6th, 2004, 1:24pm » |
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You are always a smile on an otherwise dreary day, Frank. Thanks.
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Jeepgun
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #11 on: Dec 6th, 2004, 1:30pm » |
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Thank YOU, Mike.
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Jonny
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #12 on: Dec 6th, 2004, 6:20pm » |
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I was dieing after the second sentence.....LMAO
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Linda_Howell
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Re: An oldie but goodie ROFL
« Reply #13 on: Dec 6th, 2004, 7:14pm » |
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Hey Frankie?
Linda
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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