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Tara Ann
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So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 11:32am » |
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All week I have been working at the hospital, sitting by the bed of the man I take care of, he has phenmonia, he is doing very well.
He shared a room with an old man that died alone last night. The nurses and doctor were checking to make sure he had passed while making jokes and laughing. I was appalled. I knew that man was dying and that no one sat by his bed to give him comfort and did I once go over and talk to him, just in case he could hear what was going on around him? No I didn't. That man died all alone, not one person in the world seemed to care about him.
All I thought about these past few nights was about when me and some of my family stood vigil over my grandpa's bed and talked to him and eachother. We all tried to keep our conversations as normal as possible so he could die in a semi comfortable way. At one point my grandpa mistook me for my mom (who was napping down the hall) and took my hand, he said to me, "Louann, It hurts, I know I'm dying, and it hurts alot. But I'm not scared, I wanted you to know that I'm not scared."
I really wish I hadn't been such a coward and I'd gone to that poor alone dying man and talked to him a little. The night before last he grabbed a nurses hand (the first response other than labored breathing I had heard over there) and I heard the nurse tell him to let go so she could swab his mouth. Why couldn't she have held his hand, even if just for a moment to offer some comfort? Why didn't I go over and offer him some comfort? What is wrong with some of us, our "humanity"? I feel like such a horrible person. I thought I was sensitve and caring, but I guess not when it counts. Just cause I didn't know him and he didn't know me does not matter, all it boils down to is we are people, with feelings.
Thanks so much for letting me ramble, no need to reply I just needed to ramble a bit.
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nani
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #1 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 11:56am » |
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LeLimey
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #2 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 11:58am » |
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Oh Tara you aren't horrible, don't beat yourself up. I can understand how you feel, I can feel your rage against "them" too and your feeling that you are no better but you are! Just the fact you feel bad shows you are a compassionate person. Its very easy to say what we should have done, death is scary and watching people die is terrifying.
My husbands uncle died last year. I was very close to him, he was as close to a "proper" father figure as I have ever had. I miss him so much it hurts every day to this day and I'm sitting here now typing this feeling very weepy cos I still can't accept that he died and no one could stop it.
Having said all that I wasn't brave enough to be at the hospital the day he died. I knew he was dying, I knew he had hours at most and I couldn't bear to watch him die. If i can't go that extra mile for someone I loved as much as I did Kevan then you can't knock yourself up for sitting with the person you care for and giving them the comfort of your presence. You do what you can for those you can.. you are a hero in my eyes.
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Jeepgun
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #3 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 12:00pm » |
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You aren't a terrible person. On some level, he knows how you felt. Death is a difficult thing to confront for most people, and it's difficult to know the right thing to say or do, unless you've been in hospice or helped someone as they made the transition. Even harder when it's someone who isn't in your family, and with whom you have no history or mutual knowledge. It's sad to die alone, and that nurse needs to be reported, in my opinion.
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marlin
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #4 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 12:20pm » |
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Death is a horrible thing to watch. Shit, I couldn't sleep for nights after putting my dog to sleep. And it's harder when you don't know whether a person is dying in peace knowing they had a fulfilling life.
But you're doing a great thing helping the old guy you're caring for. Brightening his world. Don't beat yourself up over things you haven't done. The more you look the more you'll find. You'll just confuse yourself and make yourself miserable. All you can do is do all you can. Nothing more. Accepting that fact might make it possible to see things like this in perspective - more practical to cope with. The REAL heartbreaking shit is seeing child cancer victims in hospital wards and watching the families cope...
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vietvet2tours
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #5 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 12:29pm » |
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I died and I promise ya there is a certain point in dying that ya could have a rose bowl size crowd around ya and it wouldn't make no difference.
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Jeepgun
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #6 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 12:38pm » |
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I agree, Marlin. I was a medic in the Army for six years, and the hardest aspect of working in the medical field is caring for children who are injured, abused, ill, dying, or dead. Man, that shit will rip your heart right out and fillet it a thousand times over... 
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sandie99
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #7 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 1:05pm » |
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That doesn't make you a horrible person at all! Already that you wrote us about it shows that you cared about that man more than any other person on that room.
sandie99
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The mad viking
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #8 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 1:25pm » |
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Tara Ann my friend
How should i say this without offending someone?
First lets start with our own situation.Bet there is not many that is as sarcastic as us about the missery we are in.
WHY ?
Because if we let all this shit get to us all the time ,we could do a lot better kill ourself.True or not?
Why do you think the healthpersonell did act the way they did.
Why?
They are working with this every day year around.If they should be dead serious every death/case they just as well could quit,ans what then?
They has to be sarcastic when they can,just to stay in focus
1 thing though. They could at least check if others was in the room.
So yoiu see that in a way i does agree with you and in a way i do not.
Damn,wish my english was better
btw the sad part in my eyes was that he died alone
Svenn
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Jeepgun
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #9 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 1:46pm » |
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Really, when you get right down to it, we ALL die alone. It's a solitary journey, even if we die in a plane, train, or bus crash.
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nani
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #10 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 2:14pm » |
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Or could it be said that we all live alone? Maybe being alone is a human illusion, and in fact, dying puts us back in our normal state of "oneness".
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Jeepgun
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #11 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 2:33pm » |
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That may also be true, Nani. 
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Carl_D
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #12 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 2:59pm » |
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I'm sorry Tara. Death is never an easy thing for us mortals to deal with. But please, don't blame yourself.
10 years ago I was working for a music company and while on the road, a man drifted off the road on the Ohio turnpike 88 mile post, hit our camper which was pulled over to the side of the road under an overpass(the car had overheated.) I was lying on the retainer wall when it happened and was literally only 2 inches from being killed. When I got up from the accident and saw all of the damage and everybody started running to the scene, my body went into shock and I was rushed to the hospital.
After getting checked out, a state trooper came in to check on me. I asked about the people who were in the van that hit us and she told me "He didn't make it."
I never even saw this mans face, but I cried for about an hour and for days felt lost. It was a strange experience, and I still have the front page of the newspaper clipping laminated and mounted in my bedroom - to remind me of how lucky I am, and how quickly life can pass.
Peace & hugs,
Carl D
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Tara Ann
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #13 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 5:17pm » |
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Thanks everyone for kind words, viewpoints, and experiences. It was a tough night (still haven't slept and I gotta work @ 11 again) brought back some sad memories, also brought out parts of me that I guess I am still discovering. Well Sam's home I better try to get some shuteye.
Luv and hugs to all of you,
Tara Ann
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BlueMeanie
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #14 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 5:53pm » |
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My son & I each held his grandpa's hand as he passed on. It was probably the hardess thing I've had to go through in life so far. I felt sooo helpless, but at least he had someone there beside him as he left this world.
Don't beat yourself up over it Tara. It's a very tough thing to do. That's sad that the guy didn't have anyone that knew him to be there though.
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medic1852
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #15 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 6:34pm » |
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Well I have been sitting back reading what you all think about death and how it has affected you. Well I dont claim to be any kind of expert or anything but I will let my past as a Marine and my current occupation as a paramedic give you an idea of what I have seen.
Well I have seen alot of people die, I am religous in my own way, some of you would understand and others would think I am weird. Let me say this you can defentialy tell when the soul leaves the body, if you watch their face the lights may still be on but no-one is home. If the person has made their peace with their maker they are not affraid or alone.
In March of this year my father who had a long cardiac history died. He went to the hospital on a sunday evening and I was at work on the truck. I got a call from my mom to say that dad had a massive heart attack. I got another medic to come in and finnish my shift and drove to the Hospital he was at. I stopped at the Emergancy room to see the doc who had treated him. The EKG showed he had a massive right infferior MI, (a widow maker). I went to the cardiac cath lab and stood in there and watched them cath my dad.
Well the doc finished and told me and showed me on the films where the blockage was and that it could not be cleared. Dad went to ICU and lingered there until wedensday night. On monday I went to see my dad, and he reminded me of a pact that we had made while i was in the marines that no life support or machines were to be used, I told him i would do as he wanted. The doctors told me that the die from the cardiac cath had settled in his kidneys and he went into renal failure. I told my dad this and that the only hope was dialysis and that he would not have much of a quality of life. He reminded me again of our pact, I asked him if he needed me to get someone so he could make his peace. he told me he already made his peace. He then said "Rodger youve been a good son, good-bye" I told him to go easy
Through the week he lingered in and out slowly drowning on his own body fluid, his weak hear unalbe to keep up with the fluid. Wedensday rolled around and we were all in the waiting room and the nurse came and said that i needed to be there. So I went in and looked at the EKG Blood preassure and O2 sat, looked at all the drips they had going and figured it all out in my head. The doc came in and asked if i needed anything, I asked him to let me give morphine 2mg for pain every hour. The doc looked at me and said are you sure this is what you want, I said no but it is what he want. It was now 5 pm on wednesday. I kept loading dad up on the morphine every hour, and slowly titrated his IV meds back to slow his heart down, I had permission to do this since they were doing no good anyways.
At 9pm my dad had one hand on his chin and the other reaching for the ceiling, we had been talking about his mom and dad and all his brothers and sisters that had died before him. He smiled and relaxed and his soul left his body. His body was there and alive until 11:50 when his heart finnaly stoped but his soul left and my dad was gone at 9pm.
Yes we in a sense die alone, but make your peace now and live good and it will be ok.
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klp
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #16 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 7:14pm » |
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Please dont be so hard on yourself. I am hospice nurse and have been with hundreds of people on their last journey. However, some people have explicit directions to their loved ones and caregivers that they want to be alone at this time. Even if this man truly had no-one, he may still have chosen to die alone. It is unfortunate his breathing was labored and his nurse was uncompassionate. This is why no-one should die without hospice care. Hospice can be provided anywhere including the hospital. krista
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vig
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #17 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 7:48pm » |
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My guess is that next time, Taraann, you WILL be there holding someone's hand and it means this was a wonderful learning experience and it's just part of the beautiful path you are on.
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stevegeebe
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #18 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 8:19pm » |
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What you wrote discounts your bad feelings.
You are on your way.
Steve G
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Lizzie2
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #19 on: Dec 2nd, 2004, 8:53pm » |
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Ahhh Tara,
You are not a horrible person even one little bit! I'm sorry that the nurses behaved that way (I guess on behalf of nurses/future nurses out there? who knows!) but it is true what Svenn said that sometimes the joking/sarcasm/disconnect comes from trying not to be too affected. I have only been a student since May, and I have cried twice during my education so far. Once when someone had to lose more of their leg than they should have because another hospital really messed up. And then when I saw a baby born for the first time.
My last rotation was in Maternity, so I really only gave lots of hugz, talking, and holding to the babies. Right now I'm rotating through Pediatrics at a very well known children's hospital. I spend as much time as I can with the kids, and sometimes it really breaks my heart.
I have hugged patients, held their hands, listened even when I had other things to do, tried to do what I could even if it wasn't much. But that's who I am as a future nurse. I don't know if I will always be that way, but we have this debate all the time in nursing school, and I hope to be! I plan to become a neonatal nurse.
Also, I have spent many weeks of my life as a patient at Jefferson in many capacities. I remember the things that helped me get through. Sometimes it was as simple as someone taking the time to talk to me for a few minutes, instead of just rushing in, hanging a med, and then leaving.
You are not a horrible person because you didn't go talk to the other man. Everyone does what they can, when they can. There are many other things you do in your life that touch other's lives in ways you can't imagine. I feel that the effects we all have on each other (not just here...every person in life) can make big imprints...more than we can ever imagine.
Hugz to you!
Carrie/Lizzie2
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Jeepgun
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #20 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 9:13am » |
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on Dec 2nd, 2004, 6:34pm, medic1852 wrote:Well I have seen alot of people die, I am religous in my own way, some of you would understand and others would think I am weird. Let me say this you can defentialy tell when the soul leaves the body, if you watch their face the lights may still be on but no-one is home. If the person has made their peace with their maker they are not affraid or alone.
Yes we in a sense die alone, but make your peace now and live good and it will be ok. |
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Ditto. Perfectly stated. Condolences on the passing of your father.
-Frank
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Cerberus
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #21 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 10:02pm » |
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I quit nursing for the very same feelings you described Tara....nothing sux worse than feeling helpless or worse yet useless.
Ramon
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thebbz
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #22 on: Dec 3rd, 2004, 11:13pm » |
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Dont even think your bad. The fact you feel the way you do confirms the warm heart and emotion you have for your fellow humans. I know I couldn't do the work you do. Your special just by that. You will know what to do next time.
BB
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Charlie
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #23 on: Dec 4th, 2004, 12:30am » |
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You did just fine. You deal with death more than most of us and you can't do it all. Don't dwell on it. Hard but it's how we keep our sanity.
You're a great person.
Charlie
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Edna
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Re: So sad to die alone.....warning very sad
« Reply #24 on: Dec 4th, 2004, 1:12am » |
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Taraann,
Your heart is golden. Lots of good advice given here, and we all already know you're not horrible.
Svenn, we understand you quite well friend. And I understand your meaning and agree it can be two sided.
What others have said here is so true. The experience of being with someone when they die is quite difficult. Yet, at the same time, something so peaceful. I can truly say I have been in the presence of angels that brought forth peace. Although hard to see, the peace that comes after that last breath is something to behold.
Take it easy on yourself gal, and learn from the experience.
hugs,
EDNA
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