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LeLimey
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True Confessions
« on: Nov 18th, 2004, 9:56am » |
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I have had a lot of fun reading peoples posts lately and getting to know you all better so in the same vein I thought a nice "catholic" session of confession and guaranteed absolution would be good for our souls! AND NO.. I did not say ARSEHOLES!!! Its my accent okay?!
I thought I'd kick off with a relatively minor one of my transgressions.. depending on how bad the rest of you admit to being will depend on whether I tell my all time worstest worst thing I have ever done.. yet!
When Barney was about 7 months old my ex and I went on a day trip to France to do some christmas shopping. Bear in mind that Brid is only 10 months older. The day was fine, did my shopping and drove back to the ferry port to wait for our sailing.
It was a cold November night and we were parked in lines waiting to drive onto the ferry in front of us getting progressively colder.
We had to wait for four hours and I don't know about you but four hours stuck in a car in the middle of nowhere with two babies is my idea of hell! Understandably the car started to get a bit whiffy after a while.. gravity was taking effect within the pampers!
That was about the final straw for me and I stormed out of the car and went to find the nearest "official" and ... "discussed" the situation with him! I wanted to know where I could change the kids and he asked why I couldn't do it in my car - but with two car seats it was a physical impossibility. By this time everyone else was leaning out of their cars and shouting "you tell 'im love" and honking their horns and I think he felt intimidated beyond belief. Anyway he offered me his car to change them in. So I went and got the kids and the changing bag and took them over to his nice big WARM car.. we had all been told to turn our engines off but HIS car was warm and it was just about the final straw for me.. THAT came when I heard, over his car radio that painting the handrails was finished and they could start loading in about 20 minutes. They had kept us all sitting in a cold car park on the sea front for over four hours in November while they were painting sodding handrails!
Brid was just wet but Banrey had a toxic meltdown nappy, you know, the sort that make you gag. Well. I "accidentally" dropped it on the floor of the car, upside down and because my hands were so cold it sort of got smeared about a bit while I was trying to pick it back up (thats my story and I'm sticking to it.) I must have been so cold it affected my memory too because I forgot to take the nappy out of the car and as I was getitng out I must have kicked it under the passenger seat in error.. what a doofus huh?!
Anyway I had to run back to my car as we were starting to get onto the boat but I left his car with the heating on full blast. I bet that was a real joy to be in when he finally got back into it.
And do you know.. I have never been on a Sea France ferry again to this day?!!
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E-Double
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #1 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 10:01am » |
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AWESOME!!!!!!!
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Ruth
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #2 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 10:04am » |
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Pretty crappy I'd say. Glad you were able to get that off your chest.
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Hirvimaki
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #3 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 10:05am » |
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LOL!
Perhaps I will have to share a few confessions of my own. The last time I did that on this site, I was "politely" reminded that this is a family site...
Nappies, eh? You Brits! Dang I miss my days in Lancashire...
Hirvimaki-Isi
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LeLimey
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #4 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 10:09am » |
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Hoi! Ruth and mr-about-to-be-married!! spill the beans!!LOL
Hirv I just KNOW you are going to be good for a couple of real humdinging stories! Lancashire huh? Have you still got a flat cap?! Whereabouts were you? I'm going to a wedding there next weekend that promises to be about a dozen posts in itself!!
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Jeepgun
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Oh boy... LOL! I have a ton of confessions! Revenge is such a fun sport. 
First one:
I was working in a convenience store as a teenager, part time. Everyday, a woman would come in and complain that the quart (litre) of milk she had purchased the day before was sour, but she would purchase another one. This went on and on for WEEKS. One day, I was in the walk-in freezer, stocking the shelves and through the glass, I saw the woman come in. I turned out all the lights in the walk-in, and when she opened the dairy freezer, she was in mid-complaint when I reached out of the darkness and grabbed her wrist. She was screaming and I started pulling. I was yanking her halfway into the freezer, with yogurt, milk, and cottage cheese flying all over the place. I kept yanking and then finally let her go. She was FREAKED OUT. She went running up to the register, screaming and having a fit. I exited the walk-in and came in through the backdoor. The manager gravely asked me, "Frank? Did you do this?" Solemnly, I answered, "Yessir. Yes, I did." The manager turned to the lady and said, "Ma'am, we'll take care of this." She shouted, "You'd better!" and stomped out of the store without buying any milk, thank god!! The manager and I were nearly wetting our pants laughing, and when we finally regained control of ourselves, he said, "Frank, you know I'm going to have to fire you." I said, "Yes... I know." He said, "However, if you're looking for a job next summer, come on by." I collected my pay and left, whistling, "Moon River." 
Second one:
I was fresh out of Army medical school and arrived in Japan, where I worked at a small clinic, mostly in the emergency room. I had arrived with two other soldiers who were complete slobs, and did things that caused them to get into trouble. I kept my mouth shut, kept my uniform sharp, and I was damn good at my job. Still, all three of us had the same supervisor. He went ahead and did the paperwork necessary to get the two slobs kicked out of the Army, and he was trying to do the same to me. He was trying desperately to make himself look good, because he was overweight and in danger of being kicked out of the Army, himself! All the while, he kept thinking I was stupid and that I didn't know what he was up to, and he kept acting like he was my best buddy. He came over to my barracks room one day, because I lived across the street from the gym, and I was working night shift at the time. He was all sweaty and nasty from working out, and he said, "Hey, buddy! How's it going?" and then he proceeded to come into my room and sat his funky, sweaty ass on my BUNK!! A plan formulated... I said, "Gee, you look like you could use a glass of water!" He agreed, so I got a glass, went into the bathroom and ran the water in the sink. I dipped the glass into the toilet bowl, then wiped off the outside of it, then turned off the water in the sink, and carried it out to him. He sat there and drank the water like it was the best damn water he'd ever had. He thanked me profusely and then left my room. I laughed until I thought my ribs were going to break. Shortly after that, I received a much-envied transfer to the local aviation unit to begin working as a flight medic, and he was booted out for failing to meet the height/weight standard. Karma's a bi-yotch! LOL!
Third one:
On what was to be my last night of work at the clinic, (just prior to my transfer), I went through the entire clinic and wiped out every roll of toilet paper, including the supply closets. I hope everyone was wearing long shirt tails... I also taped raunchy centerfolds to the pull-down anatomy charts in the OB/Gyn exam room, put a cigarette in the aorta of a model of a heart that a doctor had sitting on his desk, stuffed a rancid tuna sandwich into a specimen cup and placed it inside the heating vent of the chief nurse's office, and melted down a Milky Way chocolate bar and then shaped it so it looked like a turd, put it in a Ziploc baggie, and filled out a bogus lab slip that I paperclipped to it, and then placed it in the staff food refrigerator.
I have more, but my fingers are tired. LOL
-Frankster
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| « Last Edit: Nov 18th, 2004, 10:32am by Jeepgun » |
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E-Double
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #6 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 10:13am » |
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on Nov 18th, 2004, 10:05am, Hirvimaki wrote:LOL!
Perhaps I will have to share a few confessions of my own. The last time I did that on this site, I was "politely" reminded that this is a family site...
Hirvimaki-Isi |
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I'm with ya bro......the little stuff doesn't need confession. Too many funny or sick twisted stories to share  & I'm Jewish so I get to attone for my sins @ Tashlich during Rosh Hashana....Gives me a year's leeway for transgression 
E.
Oh yeah hiding fecal matter always makes for a funny story......try nuking it in tupperware in a bitchy sorority house....OOPS did I say that? EEEEWWW !!!
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Jeepgun
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Okay, here's another:
The convenience store I worked in also sold live bait. (Crickets)
A buddy of mine had gotten used BADLY by a girl that he foolishly gave his heart to. She was dating him just to make some other guy jealous. Once the other guy started paying attention to her, she dumped my buddy like last week's kitchen trash. He was all tore up, because he really had feelings for this ice-queen. I filled a cricket cage with about a hundred crickets and drove over to her new boyfriend's house, where her car was parked. I opened her door and shook all of the crickets into the backseat.
Yet another:
When I was in military housing, there was a neighbor of mine who was always pulling in at 2 a.m., drunk as hell, rap music THUMPING, and then he and his old lady would begin to have loud angry screaming matches. Several of the neighbors had asked him to turn his stereo down and to keep their voices down, to no avail. A month later, all the cats in the neighborhood went into heat. The competition among the males was fierce. I was awakened by his stereo and then the usual screaming match one night, so I went to the kitchen, opened a can of tuna, and went out to his car. I opened the door and placed the tuna on the passenger seat. Then I waited until four big and scruffy tomcats had entered the car. Then I slammed the door shut. The noise was truly ferocious!! He ended up buying a new car and becoming a much more considerate neighbor, after that.
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LeLimey
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #8 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 11:38am » |
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Aaah Frankie!! I knew you were a fellow sinner!!!LMAO
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Jeepgun
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But wait! There's more! SO much more... ROFLMAO!!
<-----Bad bad bad bad boy
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Bethany1
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #10 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 11:54am » |
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Oh my gosh Frank, those stories are awesome. 
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nani
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #11 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 11:55am » |
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Oh you are all very bad indeed. I for one have no sins to confess...I am a model human being. 
Unless you count that spit in the beer thing in 1989...
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Hirvimaki
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #12 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 12:09pm » |
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When I was a lad of mid-teen years one of the great larks my friends and I would do was to, er, borrow fire extinguishers and ride around looking for people who looked to be in need of some assistance. This was, of course, pointless thuggery and had no purpose other than to establish ourselves firmly in the juvenile delinquent category. The usual fire extinguishers we managed to procure were the powder-type, small and almost harmless.
On one fine day we were out getting in to our usual trouble. I had heard from my friend Rick and he sounded quite pleased and eager to go out in search of a dupe. When we stopped by to pick him up, he had a rather large tank wrapped in a blanket. This was no small powder-tank. No, this was the mother of all fire extinguishers, a foam extinguisher! A least four times as large as the usual office ones.
We drove around for quite some time, not wanting to waste our new found wealth on just anyone. At long last we had our mark. A boy about our age was riding his bicycle along the sidewalk, oblivious to the world around him. I cannot say what exactly it was about him that attracted us, but there was something, like he was asking to have a little excitement in his day.
I circled around, slowed and maneuvered into position while Rick rolled down the window and took aim.
I don't think any of us realised the force a large extinguisher has behind it, nor were we expecting the result we got. The initial force of the blast of foam knocked the kid off his bike and to the ground. The slathery foam had coated the ground, so rather than just staying where he had fallen, he slid along the path of foam, down the sidewalk. The force of the extinguisher moved him along at quite an alarming rate and Rick scrambled to shut the damn thing off.
That boy would most likely still be sliding along on his arse had he not been abruptly stopped by a well placed hydrant. Luckily he avoided any possible head injury by having the good fortune of straddling it!
The best part of this whole tale is that I was relating it, years later, in the break room of an Ad agency in which I was working and among the expected guffaws of most present, there was one fellow who was stonily quite. The laughter died away and he said, "You f*cker, that was ME!"
Small world.
Hirvimaki-Isi
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nani
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #13 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 12:21pm » |
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Quote:| The best part of this whole tale is that I was relating it, years later, in the break room of an Ad agency in which I was working and among the expected guffaws of most present, there was one fellow who was stonily quite. The laughter died away and he said, "You f*cker, that was ME!" |
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The best part? No guilt? No remorse? You had better go say a prayer to save your still delinquent soul!
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Hirvimaki
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #14 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 12:24pm » |
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on Nov 18th, 2004, 12:21pm, nani wrote:
Neither of those popular items come with handles, therefore I don't even try to carry them around with me! 
Hirvimaki-Isi
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nani
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #15 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 12:32pm » |
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And you have the nerve to call yourself a Catholic!?!
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Opus
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #16 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 1:41pm » |
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Man,
Everyone here, makes me look like a saint,
Just one question, are all of you getting any sex?, if so I may have to change my ways LOL.
Opus/Paul
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Hirvimaki
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #17 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 1:50pm » |
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on Nov 18th, 2004, 1:41pm, Opus wrote:| Just one question, are all of you getting any sex? |
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As most of my stories relate to sex, I fear I will not be recounting them here... Once bitten, twice shy. I still have bad memories from the New Year's thread... 
Hirvimaki-Isi
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"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others."
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Jeepgun
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ROFL, Hirv!
In my hometown, (which will remain unnamed on the grounds that it may incriminate me) the circuit breakers were all mounted on the outside of the homes. Every winter, before Christmas, everyone would try to outdo each other with the most gaudy light display. The big-assed plastic santa on the rooftop with a sleigh and plastic reindeer all lit up, lights around every tree, lights all over the rafters, big-assed Christmas tree all lit up in the window.... So my buddy and I used to run around and throw peoples' mains. One year, we darkened the entire street. The coup de grace, was one night, there was a huge house that was having a Christmas party. The Christmas tree was in the second story window, all lit up, the house full of people, every light in every room was on, and we brought instant darkness and confusion to the entire party. ROFLMAO!!!
I have more of these kinds of stories... LOL
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Jeepgun
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We were preparing for a Command Inspection towards the end of medical training. All of us were bustin' our asses cleaning the barracks so it would pass a white-glove inspection. There was one guy who finished getting his locker squared away, and then decided that he wasn't going to help, and instead, was going to go hang out at the snack bar. He closed his locker doors and waltzed out of the bay where we were all working. I walked over to his locker and tipped it forward, shaking it vigorously. The inspection began and as the battalion colonel, brigade general, company commander, and sergeant major came to each locker, it had to be opened for inspection after they inspected our uniform. They got to the end of the bay and it came time for asshat to open his locker. When he did, an avalanche of his personal effects showered the feet of the officers standing in front of him. He was called to the commander's office and was gone for a long time. When he returned, he was considerably more cooperative and team-oriented.
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Ronny
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #20 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 3:15pm » |
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eheheh
LMAO, too damn funny.
No stories here, cant think of any, guess i'm a good nice boy.
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Opus
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Re: True ConfessionsNot that I w
« Reply #21 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 3:27pm » |
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on Nov 18th, 2004, 1:50pm, Hirvimaki wrote:
As most of my stories relate to sex, I fear I will not be recounting them here... |
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No, no, you have me wrong, not wanting to here sex confessions, just want to know if the confessioners are getting any and if so maybe I will change my ways from good to bad LOL. Hirv, we al know you don't have a problem, ***deleted**** It's the rest I don't know. Anyway no need to answer in any case.
Opus/Paul
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| « Last Edit: Nov 18th, 2004, 4:08pm by Opus » |
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Jeepgun
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Sex? Why yes! And lots of it!
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Jonny
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on Nov 18th, 2004, 10:05am, Hirvimaki wrote:Perhaps I will have to share a few confessions of my own. The last time I did that on this site, I was "politely" reminded that this is a family site...
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Your shitin me right?
When the fuck was someone going to get around to telling me that fucking shit?
The only family here is the family that is here....Family this! 
................................King
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LeLimey
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Re: True Confessions
« Reply #24 on: Nov 18th, 2004, 6:05pm » |
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Way to go Jonny!! 
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