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Topic: Feeling very lost atm... (Updated...) (Read 345 times) |
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Tiannia
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Life does not apologies......
 
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Feeling very lost atm... (Updated...)
« on: Oct 10th, 2004, 1:03am » |
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Dear Family...
I know that there is nothing that any of you can do... but I just need to talk to a talk for a bit and have nowhere else to go.....
I think the hardest thing is knowing that my husband, is not happy in our life together. Hearing him say I love you, but then hearing about how I dont care about anyone of anything besides work is hard to deal with on a daily basis. I wish that he could realize that I am trying so very hard to put in all of the hours that my work is asking so that we can have all fo the things that he wants. The 10-12 hour days are really burning be out. Besides the non stop CH and then being sick AGAIN on top of it. Then to top it all off... my pap comes back abnormal. have to go in again in 3 months and see what we are going to do if it is not better.... Hell at this point no matter how many times I get hit at night.... I am up at 5 to get lunches made and me and the kids ready. Get Shaun up at 5:45 so that he can get to work. We all leave the house about 6, I get the kids dropped off at school and get to work about 7. Then I work though lunch and am there until usually 6. Come home cook diner and then eat and get he kids ready for bed. Then I get chance to clean up the house and do laundry and such.
Today was the Ren Faire and all I got this morning was a lecture on why I did not get his costume finished so that he coul have fun. That MY priorites are all screwed up because I did not find a way to get early tickets... and it was not going to allow him to be able to get the swords that he wanted this year again That I was so preoccupied with my work because I could not take time from my BUSY schedule to finish off this sword shirt. That is was a shame that I was so selfish... that all I care about is myself. He said that he really hoped that I did not get one of my dame headaches while we where there so that he would not be forced to leave early. Luckily I only had one while we where there and it was while shaun was off ad I was able to take a shot without him knowing.
I guess I am just to a point of feeling like they (Shaun and the kids) would be better off if I where not here. That all I end up doing is causing them more pain and with the chronic CH on top of it.... well .... It just seems like I am more of a burden then a parter in this relationship. It is just to very hard to see the point right now of why Do I have to casue them more pain? Why does it seem that I could take better care of them by moving on from this life then being here each and everyday?
I dont know. All the thoughts in my head keep going a round and round and I just feel more and more useless....
I am sorry everyone... I dont know what else to say... Thank you for listening.
I pray that you all are pain free.
Blessed be...
-Tia
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| « Last Edit: Oct 11th, 2004, 12:51am by Tiannia » |
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
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Life does not apologies......
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #1 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 1:15am » |
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Just wanted to thank anyone who could read through all of that.... It REALLY helped to just get it all out. Not with the emotional pain, but al least with it all running though my head...
I am truly sad right now. Have not felt this in a very long time and have a feel that I will only bottle it up more then let it out.
Trying to figure out where to sleep atm. Should I just go down stairs so that if i start crying again, I wont wake anyone up again , or do I climb into bed and pretend all is fine?
Sheding a tear for everyone who fights the beast as well.
-Tia
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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renny
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #2 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 2:05am » |
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Tracey...............read your PM's pls
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Pegase
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #3 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 9:29am » |
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What can I say... 
If you feel better by writing down your emotions... go ahead... let yourself go... It's free and It's good for the soul...
For me life has always been like that... sometimes everything is under control and stable and others time my life is like tornado... completly out of control...
Troubles will come and they will pass... truly... I feel for you
This one for you... Think of all the beautiful days you're having in this magical place 
http://www.philippemorand.net/music/venus-beautiful_days.rm
PFDAN for you... hugs
Pegase
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| « Last Edit: Oct 10th, 2004, 9:32am by Pegase » |
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nani
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #4 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 9:43am » |
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I am sure that they would not be better off without you hon. It's a tough time right now but it will pass. When it does may I suggest that you and the hubby try some counseling? (OMG I sound like Dear Abby!) It seem to me that you are pulling most of the weight in the marriage right now and that just isn't right. It makes it that much harder for you to deal with the HAs. Hang in there sweetie, 
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rumplestiltskin
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Starin at the apple tree. Right or wrong? Good or evil? What's the next right thing to do?
Stand naked. True to yerself.
I don't know how it works . When I'm at the top of my game I can dedicate my pain to others. I can say their name as the pain wracks me and say "this...I endure for "so and so" ".
Getting it out is good...butt...you knew that.
Walk in the sunshine
den
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lionsound
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #6 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 10:11am » |
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Tianna,
My heart goes out to you. I have said the exact same thing myself.
You are not a burden.
Your family needs you and we do do.
Please take loving care of yourself.
May you be well,
-lionsound
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john_d
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #7 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 10:12am » |
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on Oct 10th, 2004, 1:03am, Tiannia wrote:I guess I am just to a point of feeling like they (Shaun and the kids) would be better off if I where not here. That all I end up doing is causing them more pain and with the chronic CH on top of it.... well .... It just seems like I am more of a burden then a parter in this relationship. It is just to very hard to see the point right now of why Do I have to casue them more pain? Why does it seem that I could take better care of them by moving on from this life then being here each and everyday?
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Sounds like a permanent solution to a temporary problem, actually more like a permanent problem to kill the pain of a temporary problem. All I ask is that you know one thing is absolutely true - YOUR FAMILY WOULD NOT BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU
We are ALL human and flawed, but that does not stop us from needing each other.
John D.
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yikes-another-one
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Re: Feeling very lost atm...
« Reply #8 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 10:13am » |
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Keep digging the well,
and soon you'll be kneck deep in hot water.
Call in some assistants before you start to drown.
We try to do all , be all and fix all....
but sometimes no matter what you do
the water will still overrun the dam.....
Make sure to enforce normal limits.
You need to stop saying, "yes, I can do that, too"
and start saying, "if you can wait a week, I'll
get back to you...."
"No" is a powerful word, and often difficult to say
but if you can even postpone things by saying,
"I'd love to help, but my plate is too full"
at least you can sound sympathetic without
feeling selfish about it.
(I should point out, I am a yes person too,
and when I was working for my sister, I was able to
take on more and more....until after 3 years
I burnt out. I started out answering phone in orders
for dance shoes....but eventually for $8.00 an hour
I had to take inventory, stock it, answer phones, order
more stock, run to post office, ship all the UPS via computer, package the tiny items, babysit sick kids,
take the dog to the vet, goomer, for short walks....lol with the cordless phone attached to hip... and polish, lace and buckle the shoes.....whew.
One day I told my kind, sweet gentle sister
to go to hell.....
and I leterally had to walk out to get her to realize
that she was askign tooo much from me.
She had to hire three people to do everything I had
been doing, and she claims never realized that the buisness had picked up that much....until she was left
on a Wed. morning...with no one to answer the phones,
or ship out orders....
don't wait until it is too late.
Call in help from family and friends now,
while you are still trying to swim....
it's worse once you start to drown....
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Edna
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #9 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 11:41am » |
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Tia,
I'm glad you came to us. I hear your pain, and my advice to you dear is that you MUST take care of yourself first. YOU DO COUNT.
Put yourself first for once, you deserve it.
Now, check your pm.
hugs and pf wishes,
EDNA
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alleyoop
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #10 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 12:20pm » |
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I know that the Good Lord won't put any more on you than you can stand, but sometimes I wish He weren't quite so PROUD of ME!
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mynm156
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #11 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 12:25pm » |
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SENDING YOU LOVE AND GOOD VIBES!!!
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Charlie
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #12 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 3:20pm » |
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Life has a way of beating the shit out of us now and then.
To me, it looks like you've done a good job fighting off and that you posted here is one of the best signs.
My thoughts and wishes are with you kid.
Charlie
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Sean_C
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #13 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 6:48pm » |
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I'm hearin your pain T, I've been underwater for monthes, I just refuse to breathe in.
Hang tough, your doing what you need to do to make things happen..........................as for the hubby, every once in awhile you have to givem a "go fuck yourself" and they get the message to back off 
Love to you
Sean..................
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cschick
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #14 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 9:54pm » |
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I don't know what to say other than I know exactly what you are talking about. The others gave such great advice I am just going to say keep letting it out here and don't keep it bottled up - It's worse to keep it in.
Hugs and PF vibes!
Karen
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Longhaired Redneck
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #15 on: Oct 10th, 2004, 10:05pm » |
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Wish i had words of wisdom or healing to help.
The best i can do is ((((hugs))))
"May the mother of all hold you in her hands"
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Tiannia
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Life does not apologies......
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (No response Needed)
« Reply #16 on: Oct 11th, 2004, 12:51am » |
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Thank you everyone. Today, while still starting out in tears, is a much better day. I am more at peace and logging in here and getting the support from this family makes me feel even better about it all.
Actually. I woke Shaun up this morning before the kids woke up because "We need to talk right now. Just us." We talked about a lot of things. But mostly about how I was feeling. About how I was shutting down emotionally and felt like i was not needed or wanted here. That I needed his help and could not be the only one raising our kids. That he could not be dad that only plays or yells at them, that he needs to help with the in between stuff to.
Shaun and I have een through this once before (actually about the same time htat my daughter was 2, just like my son is now). We almost broke up because of it. I was able to remind him that we have to work together or we will end up hating each other. That there can not be the sarcasim and passive aggressive shit going on between us or we will tear each other apart. That if we want to survive, right now. Not thinking of years from now, as if we do not focus on the now, there wont be a future... But to survive this right now, we have to be one, work as one and help each other with the kids, the house, everything. That is something does not get done, then who cares. If it does not hurt us or the kids then it can wait. That at this point all that was happening was our 7 yr old seeing us fighting and learning that it is ok to be treated this way. I dont think he really realized that he was showing her that. That how he treated me, taught her how to be treated, and that what he was teaching her was wrong. That it is not ok.
I have my own fault in this as well, because I a a massive co-dependant. (Yes folks my Psych degree is showing ) That I need to tell him when I Need help, not just keep pushing myself until my body gives up. That I cant keep it all inside and pretend that everything is ok. I like feeling. I grew up in an abusive household and learned how to shut down. Now it is harder to turn back on. And I refuse to live my life shut down. Shaun helped me to learn that even though I feel painand sadness, that feeling the good makes the up for it, by leaps and bounds.
As far as work goes, I have started looking for other work. It is difficult because there are 2 bosses/owners. One is amazing and has taen very good care of me, the other is an A$$HOLE and is beyond clueless about how screwed he will be if I left. But at this point I am only putting out feelers to see who is looking, through freinds int he business. I dont want anything to get back to either of the owners. But the time and stress is more then I can bear for the money that they pay and the time that they need. And considering I can not get them to even hire a $8/hour file clerk to help is a joke beyond words.
To answer a question that was brought up, no I dont have family that can help. My parents (even though they live here) do not speak to me. My sister, lives in Boulder City (20 mins away) and I saw her yeaterday at the Ren Faire and it was over a year ago that I saw her before that. We are not what you would call a close family. Tami (my sister) and I worked together in the same company in the same building for almost 3 years and went to lunch once in that entire time. Shaun's Sister is in Pheonix and mom is in Oregon. So we are alone as far as getting help from that end.
Thank you all again. It will be a day by day process, but we will get though. Depression is a bitch and to add the beast on top of it makes it even harder.
PF Wishes my friends.
Blessed Be-
-Tia
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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nani
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (Updated...)
« Reply #17 on: Oct 11th, 2004, 1:43am » |
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Quote:| So we are alone as far as getting help from that end |
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How about other Moms? Get to know other Moms from the kids school and daycare...you'd be surprised how the women can all stick together when needed. Offer to trade babysitting, carpooling, that kind of stuff. It can be a lifesaver. About your job...I don't know. Money is not as important as your physical and emotional health. Of course paying that electric bill on time can also be a big issue... you'll have to decide what is best. But keep in mind that it has to be what's best for YOU. You cannot be a very good wife or mother if you're worn down to a nub. More importantly - you can not be a very good caretaker of YOU in that condition. Do what you have to do to get over that co-dependent thing, it's not good for any of you. And you probably already know - you have got to deal with your abused childhood. You have no energy for anything when your dragging 500 lbs of baggage around all your life. I feel like I can tell you all of this because I've been there. Hang in there honey...You are worth it.
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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K-9
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Re: Feeling very lost atm... (Updated...)
« Reply #18 on: Oct 11th, 2004, 3:33am » |
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No magical advice here, If you've got CH and are still here then you are among the strongest. You'll set your mind on getting through this, and you will. That's just what CH's do!!
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