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EmpressJMB
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Husband doesn't get it
« on: Sep 26th, 2004, 8:40am » |
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I have only been on this board for 2 weeks. The only message board I've ever been on. It is addictive though. The first thing I do when I get up is come and read the messages. I was here early this a.m. My husband came in shortly after me this morning and asked me if I was trying to hook up with someone so we can go off and have headaches together.  This is not normal behavior for him. Jealous of a computer message board? We have been together 21 years. All of which I have had CH. In fact, I had a CH the first date we had. "I get these headaches you see..." Lo and behold he stuck with me. He is a great guy, really easygoing and supportive. When I have a CH he leaves me alone (the way I like it) and just checks on me every now and then. This attitude this morning really freaked me out. I finally found people who know and understand my pain and he gets upset. Not very supportive. I was reading the supporter's board this a.m. and think he could get something from it but he isn't computer saavy. I doubt he'll go there if I suggest it. What to do, what to do? Thanks for letting me purge.  (I was dieing to use that one!) I was also wondering why alley thinks people didn't read all the way through "saddest cluster day's" string? I read it through again and didn't think I misunderstood. PFDAN to all! Janet
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karma
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #1 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 9:16am » |
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Hi Janet,
Think about it.
You guys have been together for 21 years and in all those years your husband has helped you with CH by doing the only thing he knows how and that is to leave you alone. Now you have found others, that you may never meet, who suddenly seem to be replacing him as your main support. You have let this board become more important (in his eyes) than the love and support he has given you for the last 21 years.
Its not jealousy, its love and a fear of becoming lees important to you.
Talk to him, tell him you love him, show him you love him. This board and the people here are great but it does not replace the support that you have depended on for the last 21 years. You already know that but you need to explain it to your husband.
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yikes-another-one
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #2 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 10:23am » |
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Does your hubby golf?
Then enough said.... lol
He does understand that you are not joined at the hip, instead, you are joined at the heart, right?
As a human, we come into the world alone,
and usually suffer alone,
and we will exit the Earth alone....
SO why can't you read a book alone,
watch a movie alone,
or investigate a website.
I'm sure he nevers goes out drinking with his
bad boys alone,
Never goes to the hardware store ALONE
Never fixes or repair things ALONE
God made us team-mates....
so we can support and cheer each other on
He did not create Siamese Twins....
where we cannot have an individual thought
or feeling......
(my mom's long time boyfriend never liked to talk
or have conversations ....until she got to a good place in her novel. Then he wanted to have heart to hearts or tell jokes he remembered form work.... discuss politics....
She'd dive into a paragraph, and he'd start telling her important stuff, and she'd get a book mark to settle in for a talk...but as she closed the book, he'd run out of things to say and fall silent. So she'd open her book, and re-read the first line....then he'd remember more to share. AFter 5 or 10 minutes of trying to read the book, she'd sigh and set it on the coffee table. By then a new sport show would be on, and he'd get involved in it.
She'd get up and clean or something.... and then sit back down to read. After the first line.........)
She went through that for a few months, wondering why he was so oblivious to her intentions... why he only felt the need to talk when she had a book open....
She realized he didn't want her to watch him while he talked.... On one of their first dates, he had lettuce stuck in a tooth... and after all this time, he was still nervous about his teeth.......
So she'd sit and pretend to watch the sports show, and he'd talk himself out....then she'd reach for her book, and he never disturb her after that.
It was as if, he was too preoccupied to even realize he was doing that.
Of course my mother in law had it worse.
Her hubby changed the TV channels while she was watching programs. Because he wasn't interested in what she was watching. And they owned 3 different TV's. He'd settle in whatever room she was in, but get bored and change the channel in the middle of movies, or cooking shows....whatever.
IT made her so made she started taping anythign she wanted to watch, and pretending to watch them half heartedly until he changed the channel. That way she could let it go, without a fight....and still see the rest of the show.
TJ
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floridian
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #3 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 11:35am » |
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Well I sure don't want to have headaches with you! I don't want to have headaches at all. But I spend time online to learn more about cluster headaches - doing research, learning about what helps others, giving moral support. Sometimes making small chat or talking politics. But generally here for a reason.
Even if you have episodic cluster headaches, you have metabolic abnormalities year round. This disease is more than just a headache. Some people come here only around when they are having pain - that's their choice. But it makes sense to keep learning and stay active.
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nani
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #4 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 11:42am » |
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I find most people are suspicious of any internet boards and chat rooms. My husband teases me about the same thing. Invite him here- let him read our stuff and the supporters stuff. Once he sees it all - I'm pretty sure his doubts will disappear.  Hugs and PFDAN to you.
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Mr. Happy
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Husband DOES get it
« Reply #5 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 12:17pm » |
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Quote:| Jealous of a computer message board? |
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Karma put it a lot kinder and gentler than I could. Twenty plus years of unquestioning support being thrown out the window for an addiction to a message board (The Green One, as my future Ex calls it.) You're not the first one this has happened to. Hubby is NOT completely off his nut, tho. There's been more than one instance of someone joining this board and running off with a CHead to share their trex stash, for better or worse, blah blah blah. Don't be hard on him.........instead, question YOUR self.
The whole idea of this place, of OUCH, of Clusterbusters, is to be a Resource center, a place to find the information you need to better control your clusters so you can dive back into your life.....with Gusto. Are you here for answers, or are you getting sucked into the black hole of CH24/7/365.com? Only you can answer that question.
Me........I came here, got the info I needed, and went back to life with wife and kids. I don't need this place, I don't like this place, and most of the people that post here are a bunch of damned wackos. It took me a grand total of 7 days to find the info I needed for Coping with Clusters, after which there was absolutely no reason at all to come back here. None. That was two years ago.
Make sure to visit the board daily, but don't live on it. Assure your husband that this place is perfectly safe. It's not a den of iniquity. It's here to make your lives better in the long AND the short run. The next time I'm in Buffalo, let's do lunch. If at all possible, bring your hubby along.
I'll nail him, too.........
RJ
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Jonny
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #6 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 12:25pm » |
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What to do?
Tell him to get on the puter and meet your new suffering friends or STFU!
.....................................jonny
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Opus
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #7 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 3:04pm » |
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Janet,
Tell Him there is a place on this board just for him, i'ts full of woman and you approve, then set his home page to the supporters corner. Unfortunatly CH hurts everyone, He can either help or hurt, his choice. This is why I feel that it is ok for peaple to leave when in remission, and then come back when they are hurting. CHers need to make up for lost time from the cycle. Of course I am always in cycle and don't have a life outside of my CH friends so you will find me here.
Opus/Paul
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Edna
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #8 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 5:39pm » |
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Janet,
I have the solution for you. All you have to do is show your hubby a picture of "ole" Charlie, tell him he's the hunk of this place......and viola'.......problem solved.
Hehehehehehehehehe (Charlie, I love you)
Seriously though, I can understand where you're coming from. My husband too would never come here to find out what I love about this place. He couldn't even turn on a computer. He'd "hear" about my new friends. Then, when I met a few other cluster heads in person and invited him to tag along.....he was utterly AMAZED. Since then, he's found a new understanding of why I love this place. Many other supporters have experienced the same thing. It's not just you.
If he's been your strong hold for all these years, PULEEZ, don't pull away from him now. Sit and talk to him, and give it time.
Meanwhile, we're here for you if you need to vent.
Wishing you pf moments, and success with your supporter in understanding what we do for you here.
hugs,
EDNA
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Charlie
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #9 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 6:43pm » |
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Ole Charlie here. Dying to post before his Alzheimers gets too much in the way.
Your clusterhead friends would pay big money if they never had reason to meet you here.
Sounds like a decent sort to me anyway.
Old Charlie 
Charlie
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thebbz
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #10 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 8:58pm » |
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OOP Gottta go, the woman is getting restless.LMOL  It can become addicting you know , relating to someone who understands.
BB
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Sean_C
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #11 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 9:19pm » |
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We're all family here Janet, no need for him to be jealous. All that tells me is that you still have it
PFDAN to you
Sean......................
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Ree
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #12 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 10:29pm » |
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and if he is a jerk... there actually have been a few relationships started here........... sooooooooooooo...
Ree (hoping not to get the husband started again but lets be honest there are alot of lonely sufferers here)
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Sean_C
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #13 on: Sep 26th, 2004, 11:39pm » |
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Geez ree, that should help calm him down
Sean....................
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fubar
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #14 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 1:49am » |
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I agree, let him check this place out. I can understand the attitude even if it's not the way I would react. He has been your support for over 20 years. It's something very intimate to share with a person. My girlfriend saw an attack for the first time last night and I can't even begin to describe the feelings I went through when forced to share that hour and a half of hell with her. Your husband is now (like it or not, from his point of view) sharing a piece of you that was a private and intimate part of your lives. You should encourage him to read here since he will soon find he has a lot of company. This board is for sufferers *and* supporters.
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RevDeFord
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #15 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 7:41am » |
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Couple of things............
First, we are not an exclusive club and he can come on and get to know us just like anyone else.
2nd, it would be very rare for someone to "hookup" over a message board, especially since we know you are married.
3rd, if he takes one look at our ugly mugs on the picture page, he will see that even finding someone who doesn't look like they got hit in the face with a base ball bat is difficult. Ok, that is a bit too far, but you get the point.
Noone here is here to "hookup" with a love interest. We are here to be a support to each other for a type of headache that has been called a suicide headache.
We are here when the doctors aren't.
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I don' know why it hurts, but I pray it will stop.
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BarbaraD
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #16 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 7:43am » |
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E,
Listen to Edna. Her Danny sat with his mouth opened the first time he actually MET some of us Clusterheads. Since then he's been "one of us" and a really neat guy (with nice buns I might add).
You might try telling him stories about this one or that one (the funny ones and make him laugh at us), then what this one or that one is trying to help their headaches. That might get him interested in the site.
You didn't say where you live, but there's probably a clusterhead close to you somewhere. Set up a dinner with them. Take him to meet another one of us. This usually breaks the ice once and for all. After they meet another clusterhead they're usually sold.
good luck.
Hugs BD
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Ree
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #17 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 7:51am » |
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How long have you been here Rev?????????? We could start a message board on relationship problems alone here. ! First... Ya start having problems because your spouse doesn't understand, then someone who can relate to your pain, starts saying "there there", it starts sounding good and BAM!!!
There is alot of flirting and stuff going on here.
OK I'll be quiet now................
Truly let your hubby come to the supporters section... there is alot of support there for him where he can vent his anguish about all of this.
Frankly he isn' t the only person that feels threatened by the internet. It happens all over the world. Share with him the ideas and stories that you read here and make him feel part of it all. If you really love him he shouldnt have anything to worry about.
Good luck to you... Ree
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EmpressJMB
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #18 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 9:55am » |
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You guys are too funny!  Thanks for all the responses! I think your right about him being my sole support for all these years, and feeling left out. We
're in it for the long haul...I was just SO surprised by his reaction that I didn't know what to think. He's not normally jealous. He KNOWS I'm a flirt and it's never bothered him. However, that's not why I'm here. First and foremost for info and next for support. I've NEVER met anyone else with CHA's and it's fascinating to me that we all suffer so similarily. Also, I think Nani was right, he is suspicous of internet boards and chat rooms. There so much bad stuff out there. I love people so all this is very interesting to me. However, I don't really have time to be "addicted" and spend as much time as I would like. I will continue to encourage him to check out the supporter's board. If he get's curious enough, he just might.
Hey everyone, your personalities are shining through! I detect only a few "damned wackos" Mr. Happy. Just a collective of people with the same problem. Besides, CH is enough to keep anyone on the edge. I have to go to work now. Thanks Again! Janet
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...sometimes at night I think I understand. Brother to brother, man to man, face to face, hand to hand, the shadow dance that never ends. Shadow boxing the silent war within...yet again. Weir/Barlow
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RevDeFord
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #19 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 10:20am » |
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Ree, I had no idea.......I am not that involved with the day to day, um, shall we say operations of the message board.
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I don' know why it hurts, but I pray it will stop.
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TomM
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #20 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 10:21am » |
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Janet--Welcome to the madhouse. Many have said it before me...have your husband join in the jocularity.
TomM
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Ree
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #21 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 10:23am » |
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on Sep 27th, 2004, 10:20am, RevDeFord wrote:| Ree, I had no idea.......I am not that involved with the day to day, um, shall we say operations of the message board. |
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I'm just pickin on you Rev... lol... stick around, You won't have to watch tv anymore..........
Janet good luck to you here and welcome........ love to you and your family Ree
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alleyoop
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #22 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 10:49am » |
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on Sep 27th, 2004, 7:51am, Ree wrote: First... Ya start having problems because your spouse doesn't understand, then someone who can relate to your pain, starts saying "there there", it starts sounding good and BAM!!!
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there there Ree........
..........................alley
edit:
Check your PMs Janet.
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| « Last Edit: Sep 27th, 2004, 11:13am by alleyoop » |
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Kirk
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #23 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 1:50pm » |
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If you figure out the ratio of people who got "hooked up" on this board as compared to how many are on it........... I'm not taking any of you guys fishing 
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Ree
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Re: Husband doesn't get it
« Reply #24 on: Sep 27th, 2004, 2:08pm » |
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on Sep 27th, 2004, 10:49am, alleyoop wrote:
there there Ree........
..........................alley |
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BAM
told ya............. ree
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