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Topic: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter (Read 240 times) |
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The mad viking
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10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« on: Aug 30th, 2004, 2:15pm » |
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Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 10: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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athos
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #1 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 2:22pm » |
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already have that printed in triplicated that is signed, dated, blood type and with fingerprints. It hangs outside my door. Next to a picture of me with my shotgun with my foot on a some freshly turned dirt.
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Donna_D.
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #2 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 2:30pm » |
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My daughter is only 4...
But I am keeping this for future reference.
DD
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Jeepgun
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #3 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 2:31pm » |
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#9 cracks me up... LOL
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echo
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #4 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 3:06pm » |
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on Aug 30th, 2004, 2:15pm, Svenn wrote:a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Hockey games are okay.
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Heck Fire! I got some of my first nookie at hockey games. Parka included.
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| « Last Edit: Aug 30th, 2004, 3:08pm by echo » |
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Leesa
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #5 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 8:56pm » |
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Svenn.............THANK YOU!!! This is GREAT!!!! This goes for my BOYS too!!! Im making them READ this so they know what kind of Dads are out there!!!! Ones like DAVE!!! LMAO Moms like ME!!! LMAO
Leesa 
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IndianaJohn
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #6 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 9:09pm » |
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I take a great a amount of joy in intimidating the hell outta guy's who would like to date my daughter. The entertainment value alone is pretty high. Also there is definatly a detterent effect.
This Dads 
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Cerberus
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #7 on: Aug 30th, 2004, 11:16pm » |
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11. My daughter is to be returned home in the exact same condition that she left the house in, you have a 50/50 chance of cheating death...If I have seen you and spoken, death has been slighted and your 50 percent is already used up.
Ramon
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BillyJ.
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Re: 10 Rules For Dating anyones Daughter
« Reply #9 on: Aug 31st, 2004, 12:33am » |
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Svenn,
Thank you. I really needed a laugh tonight.Printing the rules now.I have three daughters.
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