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Topic: Neighborhood Hazard! (Read 408 times) |
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Jeepgun
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(Sent to me by a friend)
Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a
squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to
me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed
only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH !
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The
squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
(cont.)
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Jeepgun
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With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out
how to release the throttle .... my brain was just simply overloaded.
I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he
is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway, he began hissing in my face.
I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn
t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak. Picture a new scene.
You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn
t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your
police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign
of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the
moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from
the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ...
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #2 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 8:38am » |
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MOP PLEASE!!!!! And a fresh pair of pants.
I just pissed on myself in laughter.
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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brain_cramps
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #3 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 9:34am » |
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Waaaaaaaaaaay too funny for first thing in the morning!!!
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echo
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #4 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 9:34am » |
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That is a wonderful story to start a days work with.
Thanks!
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
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Lizzie2
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #5 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:08am » |
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LMAO that's a great story! Last spring when I was still at Penn State, I was walking down a path one day to get back to class, and this squirrel came charging right at me...no deviation to avoid me or anything! So I put on the breaks right there. I don't really like undomesticated animals very much, so a sense of panic arose as this squirrel was headed right towards me. These two guys also were walking down the path in another direction, and they stopped and one said, "Damn look at that squirrel about to run right into that chick!" It was hilarious. Fortunately...no harm done. 
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #6 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:09am » |
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ROFL!!
"Hey Bullwinkle! Watch me scare the shit out of this chick!" LOL!
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Lizzie2
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #7 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:15am » |
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I fear animals with homicidal tendencies 
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #8 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:19am » |
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I'm going to start a band called, "Squirrel Suicide Squad." 
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| « Last Edit: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:19am by Jeepgun » |
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #9 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:24am » |
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on Aug 27th, 2004, 10:19am, Jeepgun wrote:| I'm going to start a band called, "Squirrel Suicide Squad." |
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Would you care to set up an audition for a guitar player with 30+ years of experience?
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #10 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:26am » |
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Hee hee... I would love to get a band together again. Seriously. I auditioned for a blues band, the night before NashCon kicked off. They told me I didn't sound like a 300lb black guy from the Delta, though. They said I sounded too "Eighties," and too much like Jim Morrison. WTF??? Oh well.....
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Lizzie2
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #11 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:27am » |
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Jeep you just reminded me of another story. I think I have posted this before! Honestly, it's probably not that funny unless you were there, but I still crack up when I think of it!!!
Thanksgiving my junior or senior year of high school, my choir was invited to ride on the Boscov's train in the Philadelphia Boscov's Thanksgiving Day Parade. We went to a recording studio and sang and everything! It was cool! Anyways...the day of the parade it was freezing cold and downpouring rain! We waited forever to get started. They had this woman annoucing people to enter the parade, including all the baloons and floats. Philly has these giant rocky and bullwinkle baloons in the parades, and one or both of them kept drifting away from the parade route. The woman kept shouting, "Rocky and Bullwinkle, Please join the parade! Rocky...Rocky!! Over here! Rocky and Bullwinkle PLEASE join the parade! Get over here!" This was all through a megaphone..it was hilarious. :-D
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #12 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:28am » |
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Lizzie2
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #13 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:29am » |
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Hey guys...I'll join your band! I can sing or play one of the following: piano, clarinet, bass clarinet, alto or tenor sax, flute...and trumpet (but I am really bad at it!), oh and I even played drums for awhile. And let's not forget Irish Tin Whistle! ROFL Being a music major was FUN!
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #14 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:32am » |
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It would be so cool to do something like the Brian Setzer Orchestra... THAT would be fantastic!!
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Lizzie2
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #15 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:34am » |
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on Aug 27th, 2004, 10:32am, Jeepgun wrote:| It would be so cool to do something like the Brian Setzer Orchestra... THAT would be fantastic!! |
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I'm in! We can have this on our clusterhead commune that we're going to form someday
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Gator
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #16 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:37am » |
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ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell, I was gonna replace that keyboard anyways.
Reminds me of Ray Stevens - Mississippi Squirrel Revival.
Gator
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #17 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:44am » |
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It's gotta be a blues band.
We'll need at least 2 of each type of musician just in case the beast comes for a visit, although my guitar is on of the only things that can get my mind away from the pain a little.
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #18 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:46am » |
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I can sing and play rhythm guitar.  I totally suck, though. LOL
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Lizzie2
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #19 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:47am » |
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I can't play guitar. My brother can, but I've never liked it much. Well I like acoustic, but not electric. Too loud for me! Lucky for me, he's trying to sell his amp!! He told me, "What are you complaining about..you play the piano!" I fail to see how piano = electric guitar amp. ROFL
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vig
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #20 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:49am » |
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Sort of like this poor bastard....
savagely attacked on his bike by three..... pppppugs...
it was brutal to watch....
Ohh THE INSANITY!
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #21 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 10:55am » |
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ROFLMAO!!
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #22 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 11:09am » |
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on Aug 27th, 2004, 10:47am, Lizzie2 wrote:| I can't play guitar. My brother can, but I've never liked it much. Well I like acoustic, but not electric. Too loud for me! Lucky for me, he's trying to sell his amp!! He told me, "What are you complaining about..you play the piano!" I fail to see how piano = electric guitar amp. ROFL |
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This one goes to 11!!!
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Jeepgun
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #23 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 1:45pm » |
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Nice rig!! I used to have a Les Paul, tobacco starburst and black, with a Fender Twin Reverb amp, and a crybaby pedal. That was the sweetest setup... Definitely not made for playing on-stage, though. Heavy as HELL!! Damn, did it ever sound sweet, though... I had a Fender Strat for the stage, but I never really liked it as much as the Gibson. I ended up in financial dire straits and ended up having to sell the Gibson and the Fender amp. Broke my heart.... I came home from hocking it for pennies on the dollar, sat on the couch, and cried. I've never cried over material possessions before, but that was like ripping my heart out. 
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Neighborhood Hazard!
« Reply #24 on: Aug 27th, 2004, 2:00pm » |
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The SG is a 1984 Gibson SG (No cheap Japanese copies in my house) that was given to my by a good (better than I thought) frend last year.
I'm still crying about the 78 Les Paul Custom Black Beauty I got rid of ten years ago. (Got rid of it cause it was to heavy)
I'm also not happy about getting rid of the 63 SG Junior, The 57 Les Paul Junior or the Old ES 335 to name several HUGE mistakes I have made in the past.
I've made a vow to never sell another guitar. I've had the Marshall since I bought it brand new back in 1980. It's on it's second set of tubes and would make Spinal Tap green with envy at the sustain it gets.
I've also got the 198? Kramer Beretta (the one I'm playing in my icon) and a Cherry sunburst Charvel. Then there's the token acoustic guitar a Takimine that I picked up for $120.00 so I could have something to beat up at the camp grounds. It also helps to have a disposable guitar to beat on when I get out of bed with the beast.
I hope you still have at least one guitar. I can't imagine life without one.
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| « Last Edit: Aug 27th, 2004, 2:02pm by ExplodingEyeBall » |
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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