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Topic: Don't Try This At Home!! (Read 662 times) |
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Jeepgun
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Dear Friends,
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, “hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time…
(cont.)
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #1 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 7:39am » |
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(cont.)
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
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Redd
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #2 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 7:50am » |
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I shall need to reserve comment on this one buddy, till I get home from work tonight!
For now all I can say is
ROTMMFLMMFAO (and cringing at the same time)
...and I think that it was your testicals that hit my roof and I saw the crows fighting over them in my front yard.
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I saw an act of faith today. A man was on his knees, not in a pew in a Church, but in a garden planting seeds. ~~Unknown
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #3 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 7:54am » |
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By the way, in spite of the first-person narrative, this is not an autobiographical story! (Not that I wouldn't have done the same thing, myself, but I've never had access to a tazer!) 
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E-Double
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #4 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:01am » |
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on Aug 18th, 2004, 7:54am, Jeepgun wrote:| By the way, in spite of the first-person narrative, this is not an autobiographical story! (Not that I wouldn't have done the same thing, myself, but I've never had access to a tazer!) |
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You suck!!!!
too funny ya #$%#%#$% lol
Because even the most intelligent of our species (men  ) Would be dumb enough to go "UGH AAA Battery NO HURT!! I TRY ON ME SELF!!"
HAHAHA!!
E
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Giovanni
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #5 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:17am » |
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Bahahahaha 
Please don't buy a gun for the house.
BTW, wonder if it'll work on a headache? 
John
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kimh
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #6 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:17am » |
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This post is the first post i've read today............
Jeep - I've spilled my cawfee and am having SUCH a visual - ROFLMFAO! Sorry, i have not seen your screaming meemies
I knew there was sumpin bowt ya kid... Good thing me and you did not grow up on the same block Yeah....i hate that hindsite thingy too. 
Shazaaam! Glad you are okay 
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #7 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:30am » |
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Hee hee.... I read it this morning, for the first time, and nearly wet myself, I was laughing so hard. The thing that makes it funniest, is because I could totally see myself doing the very same thing! (Including considering zapping the kitty.) LOL
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juvy
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #8 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:36am » |
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ROTFLMFTO
LOL Jeep, way too funny. Glad to know it wasn't you who did it.
still laughing,
Juvy
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kimh
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #9 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:40am » |
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Okay. Have ingested caffeine - eyeballs are officially OPEN. LOL.
Jeep sucks - LOL.
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #10 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:46am » |
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ROFL!! Piping hot coffee through the nostrils: What a way to awaken, huh? 
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kimh
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #11 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:52am » |
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LOL. You have no idea Jeep I'm sitting here looking like i just went 10 rounds with Tyson - even got my boxing towel around the neck (okay okay so it's the teletubbies  ). Up for most of the nite. Up again early morning. You need to know that reading this post was Damn. Good. Medicine
But you still suck LOL.
Kim who is smiling and eva so grateful
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| « Last Edit: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:52am by kimh » |
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Lobster
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #12 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:57am » |
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Bwahahahaha! I knew 3 seconds into the paragraph two where this was going!
You poor guy... not up for any more capacitor & transformer lovin anytime soon...
I felt the need to test a dog-training shock collar on myself before firing it up on my dog. Same principle, but nowhere near as fierce as a stun gun.
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Rock beats Scissors.
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #13 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 9:04am » |
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Hugs to ya', Kim! And yeah... I suck. Totally... 
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don
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #14 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 11:05am » |
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Well that was pretty stupid.
All you had to do was get a home pizza delivery
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kimmiedawn81
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #15 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 11:16am » |
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Very funny story, good start to my day, laughed my ass off!!
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don
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #16 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 11:19am » |
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Be grateful you didn't purchase a rifle for bear hunting .
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john_d
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #17 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 11:24am » |
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LMAO, at least you didn't try to stick your tongue on it.
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Pegase
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #18 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 11:31am » |
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Hey dude... dont make me laugh like that... I almost pie in pants...  what a story... i think i saw one of your testicles hiding in the bush...
Hope they'll find their way back
Pegase
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IndianaJohn
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #19 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 12:49pm » |
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Jeep - thanks for a very much needed laugh. If I see your nuts anywhere around here. I'll let you know.
John
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Did my brains fall out or is this headache over?
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #20 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:04pm » |
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Heh... My nuts are in fine shape, thanks. As for the fellow in the story.... LOL
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Kris_in_SJ
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #21 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:22pm » |
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You might try to deny it, but from this point forward you'll always be known as "the guy who zapped his balls off."
LMFAO!
Kris
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I'm a small woman in small town being chased by a VERY BIG BEAST!
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Jeepgun
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #22 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:31pm » |
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Thanks... I guess there are worse things. On a Jeep board that I'm on, some guy was applying Herculiner to the floor/tub of his Jeep, had to answer a call of nature in the middle of the job, and managed to Herculine his "hootus." LOL! ( "hootus" was the word he used, which made it just that much funnier...)
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| « Last Edit: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:40pm by Jeepgun » |
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IndianaJohn
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #23 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 7:32pm » |
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Bump jus' cuz it's so damned funny!
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Did my brains fall out or is this headache over?
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Superpain
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Re: Don't Try This At Home!!
« Reply #24 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 7:44pm » |
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LMFAO!!!
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Chris
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