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Topic: Wearing down (Read 273 times) |
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IndianaJohn
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Into the jaws of the Beast we ride!
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Wearing down
« on: Aug 17th, 2004, 9:12pm » |
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Had another Kip 10 today about 2 hours ago and I'm still feeling the after effects. Aborted with the Trex but I'm just wasted. Third one this week. Had k4/5 shadows all day at work, but work was light so I burned some vacation time and came home early. Then stupid me fell asleep. what a huge mistake. You guy's know what happened next. I try to keep the fight up, stay strong, but I'm starting to fade. I try to keep in mind that alot of you have it much worse than I. That there are kids that have to live with this. But when the beast is ginding my head in its jaws, thoughts keep popping into my head about taking my rifle and going for that long walk down to the river. When they do, I think of my kids and how that would affect them. I feel so ashamed of myself for even having those thoughts. I know better. But these thoughts come anyway. I try to stay strong, but it's getting harder and harder with each day. My GP has given up on me and my appointment with a neuro isn't until the 31st. I don't know how I'm going to make it that far. I keep telling myself to "suck it up you big sissy, people have it worse than you!" but I'm starting to slip. Getting 3 or 4 hard hits a night for a week is taking its toll. It taking more and more of my strength just to get myself up and go to work everyday. I feel that I'm starting to fail. This has been the longest cycle that I've ever had, and I don't know how much more I can take.......
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| « Last Edit: Aug 17th, 2004, 10:02pm by IndianaJohn » |
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Did my brains fall out or is this headache over?
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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What Goes Around Comes Around!
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #1 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 9:22pm » |
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And you must keep thinking of your kids and fighting this beast with everything you have. We've all had our turns at being there. You can't quit. Use your friends here and vent all you want to, but quitting is not an option - not for you - not for any of us.
No long walks down by the river for you my friend - you still have more chapters to write in this life book we're all given.
C'mon buddy - fight with all you've got and then fight some more!
Carol
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Kris_in_SJ
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #2 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 9:25pm » |
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Don't give up, John. Pick up the phone or email someone.
We've all been there at some point in time. We just can't let the despair take over. Keep fighting.
Sending you many hugs,
Kris
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I'm a small woman in small town being chased by a VERY BIG BEAST!
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kimh
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What don't kill ya makes ya stronger
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #3 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 9:26pm » |
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You're down but not out! Hang in there - it is going to end and better days are ahead.
Every time i read a post like this it feels like my heart is being ripped out because i KNOW. I know.
Kick ASS!!!!!!!!
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maria9
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #4 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 10:00pm » |
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IndianaJohn, I don't know if you are chronic or episodic. but if you are episodic, now is the the time to rally, none of this giving into it, hey I have been dealing with this shit for 32 years, luckily the last few years granted me remissions of 4-5 years, but still you have to remain strong and fight this battle. You can't let the beasty win.
Marsha
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"All you have to do is the best you can. A high wave comes, a crashing wave comes, a gentle swell follows. Whatever comes, stay in your boat. And enjoy the ride. And row." Peggy Noonan
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farmboy
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In Cycle and in Pain
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #5 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 10:02pm » |
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Hang in there it dose get better and there is alot to look forward to.
Story............................. My grandfather many years ago back in i think about 1956 or so tried to kill himself. But failed. Spent time in the hospital and got it back together. Here in about 97or 98 just before he died.
he said he was glad the he never suceeded in that attempt. He was in a mood of reflection that day and was quite talkative about the past and things that happened.
He said that if he would have suceeded, he would have missed so many events in life that he was very glad to have been here to experience. He never talked about killing himself even up to the end till he died in april of 98.
In wwII he had his back broken and was in a back brace for all of his adult life. I never knew him to not be in pain do to this. In 1979 he was helping my uncle burn some trash and someone had thrown in a can of spray paint in with the paper and exploded and caught his cloths on fire. he ran to his truck to get a fire extingusher and by mistake grabbed a can of windshield deicer and spraied it on himself. he was in the burn unit for about 3 months. At the end of his life. He had cancer in his bones and was in alot of pain in the last months before he died. But he never gave up.
If there is one thing that i got from his life was..........
NEVER GIVE UP
You can beat the beast.
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BlueMeanie
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Hang tough John. I remember last year thinking the same thing. Eventually they ended and yours WILL TOO.
Just take them one step at a time. You know as well as anyone that life's too important to give up. Try 02, it doesn't always work, but it is another way to help fight the Beast.
BIG ASS VIBES COMING YOUR WAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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thebbz
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #7 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 10:24pm » |
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When in doubt whip it out!!! All the best keep fightin..!!!
BB
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It wasn't me I didn't do it
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E-Double
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #8 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 10:26pm » |
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I hear ya brother!! ME TOO!!!!
All here for you and can reach out anytime!
E
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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TxBasslady
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #9 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 12:23am » |
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John,
Rest assured, we all have had those thoughts at some point. You're right.....it is a selfish thought and we know that we would put our family thru alot of pain by doing something like that.
You ever met another Clusterhead, John???? If not, then you need to. If you haven't, then may I say, it is the most wonderful feeling. Some have it far worse than you and I. Some are chronic.....they have very little pf time. I have not a clue as to how they handle the constant pain. I am episodic.....and you can bet that I thank God for every single pf second I have. I am sure that you are thankful, as well.
Find someone in your area. We have a few here from Indiana. I think Michael, (unsolved) is from Indiana, and Jackie & Blake. Maybe some more that I don't know of.
The thing is....you are not alone. We are here....and we know and understand the pain.
If you are having night hits.....try Melatonin. I don't know WHY it works for some, but it does. It is a sleep aid....and it affects your sleep patterns. It has worked for me for a while now. Several folks here take it. Also, try sleeping somewhat elevated. You would be amazed at how some of the home remedies seem to help.
Hope things get better for you.....CH is tough to handle, but you will survive.
Reach out to us......and know that you can lean on us, when you need too, sweetie.
PF vibes,
Jean
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How lucky I am... to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye too.
Take a kid fishin
www.takemefishin.org
I adopted a Vietnam POW/MIA from El Paso, Texas! 
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Tiannia
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #10 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 12:54am » |
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John -
First off I LOVE your pic - As many people here know I collect and love dragons and that is a great one.
Now - You will and can make it. But stop thinking about how far off the 31 is. Just go one day, one hit, hell one minute at a time. Each fight think of your kids and dont et him win. DOnt let him take you form them. You are strong enough, we all are. I know and understand how hard it is. How difficult it is to get up each day, knowing htat you are in for a private fight over and over. But when the fight is over, it is you who are standing there. Not the Beast. You have beaten him and you will continue to.
We undersatnd and rnat and vent here as often as you need. We underastnd that too. Let us know what we can do to help, besodes being here to listen and sending you your own shield of love and support to fend off the beast each time he rear his ugly head.
PF Wishes,
-Tia
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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lionsound
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breathe
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #11 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:25am » |
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John,
You are important to us.
we are here for you.
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Gator
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #12 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 6:22am » |
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Been there, bro. Had enough left over meds from unsuccsessful attempts at treatment to kill an elephant. Had the pills on the desk and a big glass of water. At the last minute I decided to take one last look at the family. I thought of all the pain I would cause them and of all the things I'd miss seeing with them. In the end, thank God, I just couldn't do it.
You have people depending on you. Be strong. Youve fought and won before, you will fight and win again. Check your pm's. If you need to talk, call me - ANYTIME!!!
Mike
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OneEyeBlind
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Yea, I can do this
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #13 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 6:29am » |
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John, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to. You can do it ! We've all hit that low spot where ya think you can't go on, but you can. Stay strong, and reach out. Sending mega good vibes your way !
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One cannot step twice in the same river, for fresh waters are forever flowing around us.
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karma
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #14 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 9:44am » |
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Hey Man,
Suck it up. Your letting the M.F. get to you.
If youv'e got some vac. time built up take it if that will help you relax.
Try the xanax. It realy helps me to relax and deal with the pain. They work fast.
Don't feel guilty for getting fed up with the constant barrage but don't give up either. It WILL end, it ALWAYS does.
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JDH
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #15 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 11:42am » |
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John,
The sun came up and it's a new day brother!
Check in and let us know how you're doing.
Jim
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9-11-01, to remember is to honor.
It's not what you know, it's what you can prove.
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IndianaJohn
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Into the jaws of the Beast we ride!
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #16 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 12:46pm » |
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I'm back. much worse for wear but still here...
Took a vacation day today just to recuperate. Took two more hard hits last night, but I think that the beast got tired of chewing on me so the last one was only a Kip7. Got my GP on the phone this morning and I'm getting some prednisone. It's helped greatly in the past so maybe I will get a little respite untill I get to the neuro. Damn GP would not give me a script for O2, that S.O.B.
My deepest thanks for the posts and PM's...I checked my mail and thread today and I was overwhelmed. When I read everything I broke down and wept. I balled like a baby. I couldn't help it....You guy's are the only ones who know what I'm going through. My wife tries to be supportive, but it's not the same. I do wish that I could meet another clusterhead in person someday, I think it would help alot. The support from you guy's got me through a very very bad place and I will be forever grateful.
No long walks down to the river for me....
Again my deepest heartfelt thanks for the posts, the PM's and the phone numbers. Finally I have found real people that I can talk to about this, people that truly understand. And that is such a comfort...
I'll be posting another thread about setting up a welders O2 setup. That sounds like it's going to be my quickest option.
Thank you all so much for being here for me. I hate to think what would have happened if you weren't here. But you are and I am so much better for it.
Thanks,
John
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Did my brains fall out or is this headache over?
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lionsound
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breathe
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Re: Wearing down
« Reply #17 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:32pm » |
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So glad to see your post today.
Still sending vibes your way.
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