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fubar
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fubar update (rambling)
« on: Aug 17th, 2004, 1:54am » |
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Thought I’d drop in an update… I know I’ve been terrible about emailing people and I figured this was a nice way to get out of the work of sending individual updates…  I’m such a lazy bastard… sue me.
Anyway… Head Status: As many of you know, I tried the, uh, alternative treatment quite a while ago. Actually, it’s been more than a year. Although I can’t say for certain what did what, I can say that after 4 treatments I did experience a totally PF period for over 6 months. Keep in mind, I was one of those weak souls who found the final solution in my hand and was ready to pull the trigger. Thank God I never had the sheer lunacy to actually do it, but I was chronic for over 3 years and just had no ability to cope with it on top of the rest of the drama in my life.
6 months of totally pain free time helped me in ways I cannot describe. I cannot imagine how one can endure being chronic for long periods of time without going insane. The level of pain never seems to diminish, and the agony and despair only gets worth with every headache. I’ve never felt so hopelessly lost in my life, and let me tell you, I’ve been through some crap. The 6 month break allowed me to regain focus in my life and gain the strength it took to do some difficult things (like get divorced). All in all, I feel like I’ve begun a completely new life, and I have immeasurable confidence in myself now, knowing what I survived. I know I can survive it again if I have to, and I know I will never know again the fear of failure.
I have a lot of respect for those here that endure through this hell we call clusters. I’m not the only person here who has to deal with this AND raise 2 kids alone AND hold a full time job AND run a retail business (bar) AND deal with a substance abusing (ex)spouse AND… etc. Those of us with clusters already have to deal with more than a lot of humans ever must face.
However… and this is where the 6 months pain free helped me, there are other more serious things happening all around me. I have been so focused on my own hell and suffering that I’ve been missing the fact that this is NOT as bad as it gets. I know a person whose mother just experienced the wonders of Transverse Myelitis. Wanna know about a horrifying little virus to catch? Check THAT one out. It’s an infection in the spinal column that renders the victim basically numb and unable control any muscles below the neck, including your own bowels. It usually starts with the feet and quickly (couple hours) works it way up until it either kills you or leaves you paralyzed. No known cause or cure. Sometimes you survive but never get your feeling back. The best part is you are not impaired mentally in any way. Fun fun fun.
My point is, no matter how bad it gets, it can get worse and you should be thrilled that it’s not worse. I’ve learned to focus on changing my life for the better and to focus even more on trying to change OTHERS lives for the better. And hell, it only took me 39 years to figure that out. A lot of you know me here and you know those aren’t empty words not backed up by actions.
So how am I now? I get headaches now, almost every day right on schedule exactly as I did before. I haven’t had the opportunity to try that alternative treatment again yet, but I will whenever I can. I’m really not that worried about it, as strange as that seems. I think I’ve reached a point where accepting this pain and calmly working my way through each day works for better for me than the usual head banging and torrent of medications. I no longer fight each headache. It’s more like allowing my body to just do what it needs to do, where I’m just a passenger. Silly shit, but it works for me. I don’t think it’s something you can teach somebody to do, you have to learn it (usually through pain).
All in all, I'm very happy these days, headaches and all. Chronic or not... who cares. It's never going to be more than I can handle, and that's cool. A big part of surviving this chapter in life has been because of this place (ch.com) and all of you who I call my friends (except Ted. He's a prick) I just wanted you all to know that. Especially Ted. Where the hell is he anyway? We gots elections coming up and I wanna argue with somone who knows how to shut me up.
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Tiannia
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #1 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 2:13am » |
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You csound like you are at peace... That is more of a blessing I think at times then being PF.
PF Wishes, my friend
-Tia
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juvy
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #2 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 3:50am » |
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Fubar,
Sounds like you're doing pretty good all things considering. thanks for the update.
*hugs*
Juvy
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #3 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 6:35am » |
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Fu, sounds like you are on the right track. Thanks for the update and good luck with the next treatment plan !
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Woobie
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #4 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 7:01am » |
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Awwwwwww Fu! 
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stevegeebe
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #5 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 7:10am » |
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Good luck Fu.
Quite a perspective.
Steve G
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purpleydog
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #6 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 7:27am » |
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Congratulations Shawn.
pd
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Karla
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #7 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 7:41am » |
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I am so glad that it seems you have found some peace right now at this difficult time in your life. Keep the chin up. Remember we love you.
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Karla
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Redd
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #8 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 7:48am » |
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Sean,
I'm humbled to hear that you have made some peace with the beast, been trying to do that myself, but reading your update I know it CAN be done, it's just a matter of getting it done.
The peace within is stronger than the beast within. Many happy days to you my friend! Don't stay gone so dang long huh?
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I saw an act of faith today. A man was on his knees, not in a pew in a Church, but in a garden planting seeds. ~~Unknown
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Patrick_A
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #9 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 8:09am » |
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Life goes on, Don't it bro?
Great post!
Patrick
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Jeepgun
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #10 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 8:24am » |
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Congratulations. The beat of life goes on and on... Kudos to you for surfing the waves, my friend.
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JDH
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #11 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 8:28am » |
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What a great read to start off the day. 
Nice post Fu.
thanks,
Jim
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ShariRae
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #12 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 8:42am » |
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This is so great to hear Fu....you sound rested, together & ready to face whatever comes you way..congrats!
Huggs
Shari
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Little Deb
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #13 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 12:04pm » |
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Happy Day to you Fubs.
How is Taz???
Glad you two have each other.
LD
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Gator
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #14 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 1:48pm » |
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Ramble on McDuff. Sounds like you have consolidated your feces and are dealing well. 
Maybe one day we won't have to "deal" at all.
Happy for you, fu.
Strength, Peace and Love to you and all my family.
Gator
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Leesa
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #15 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 3:16pm » |
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This is good to hear Fu. Im very happy for you dear. You made my other wise dim day alot bigger and brighter. Keep on keepin on bro!!!
Love & PF wishes, Leesa
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Charlie
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #16 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 3:30pm » |
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Great reading a post like this and I couldn't be happier for you. Even though I've been pain free for so long; I wish I had your attitude.
By the way, what are you on anyway? I wanna feel that good too 
Charlie
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Jackie
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #17 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 5:15pm » |
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I like your 'rambling', Fu......Good for you!!!!!
Great attitude, Sir.....and what it takes to survive the horrors of CH.
Love & Hugs,
Jacks 
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pubgirl
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #18 on: Aug 17th, 2004, 5:22pm » |
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Them's words worth writing Fu,
but as Little Deb says
We want to know about the cat
W
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Edna
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #19 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 1:07am » |
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Shawn,
Dem dere the best ramblin words I eva heard!!!
Great to hear from you, and thanks for the inspiration!
hugs,
EDNA
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fubar
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #20 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 2:21am » |
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Thanks for asking about my buddy. Seems for sure now it's the back, and it's not getting better fast but it's not getting worse. I think the Prednisone is helping, but he isn't jumping yet. It's possible he's had some nerve damage, but I'm happy to report it doesn't look like cancer.
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"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Jeepgun
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #21 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 8:39am » |
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Wonderful news, Fubar. Glad to hear that he's going to be okay.
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vig
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #22 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 10:24am » |
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excellent
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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Virginia
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #23 on: Aug 18th, 2004, 4:58pm » |
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Always glad to hear your perspective FU!
V.
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Lori
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Re: fubar update (rambling)
« Reply #24 on: Aug 19th, 2004, 12:12am » |
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It was a pleasure to read your post. It is good to try to remind ourselves it could always be worse. As horrible as clusters are..I'd rather have to deal with them than some other things people have to deal with (liike that nasty little virus you mentioned).
Wishing you pain free days real soon!!
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Blessings and PFDAN,
Lori
Psalm 23:4 ~ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
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