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Topic: TGIF: Funnies (Read 196 times) |
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Carl_D
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Well gang, it’s Friday the 13th. If you’re superstitious, go back to bed!
And for everyone else….
THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY AT WORK
01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
The Newlyweds
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
When branches meet
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
One for Jonny!
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger pecker than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
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Carl_D
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And a couple more funnies for ya!
« Reply #1 on: Aug 13th, 2004, 2:27am » |
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The Wizard Of OZ
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
And for all you cat lovers...
I Said I Wanted a LINE Cut!
Note: This was not done intentionally (by the pet owner), and the cat is back to normal. Let us take you, now, through a true story submitted to Aha! Jokes about a haircut, a groomer, a Southern accent, and one very angry cat!
My sister-in-law is from Oklahoma and has a slight Southern accent. She has cats, and when she lived in the south, she would take them to the groomer's and have what is called a Line Cut. To her, a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).
When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move, so she took it in for a line cut.
She was quite surprised when she heard the price, as it was twice as much as it was down south.
She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her! She cried for a week -- but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago, and the cat needed all the fur it had.
Gas in car to go to groomer's $3.25
Cat car carrier $27.99
Grooming fee $80.00
Getting angry looks from one seriously upset cat -- priceless!
Poor Poor Kitty!
Have a great weekend!
Carl D
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Jeepgun
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LOL! These are great!
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Kevin_M
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withered branches grow green again.
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #3 on: Aug 13th, 2004, 8:27am » |
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Carl's comedy corner of Clusterville.....
 Thanks Carl!
Kevin M
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Little Deb
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Please SPAY and NEUTER all dogs, cats and idiots!
 
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #4 on: Aug 13th, 2004, 9:22am » |
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Very funny, Carl. I like the work lines. And the cat is too funny!
You have a great weekend too.
didn't know it was Fri. the 13th.......................Little Deb
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Adopt a shelter pet!
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Jeepgun
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. So, she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said,"No. Just up to my tits."
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alleyoop
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Wake me up when it's all over.
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #6 on: Aug 13th, 2004, 12:59pm » |
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GOOD ONES!!!
Your Friday Funnies are a hit Carl!!!
............................................alley
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I know that the Good Lord won't put any more on you than you can stand, but sometimes I wish He weren't quite so PROUD of ME!
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IndianaJohn
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Into the jaws of the Beast we ride!
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #7 on: Aug 13th, 2004, 5:26pm » |
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That was great. Thanks for the laugh!
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Did my brains fall out or is this headache over?
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Charlie
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Re: TGIF: Funnies
« Reply #8 on: Aug 13th, 2004, 9:25pm » |
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Thanks Carl & Co.
Even made MOC chuckle as he was barbequeing ants with his magnifying glass.
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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