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Topic: Why we love children (not CH) (Read 169 times) |
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Tiannia
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Why we love children (not CH)
« on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 1:28pm » |
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little triedto warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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| « Last Edit: Aug 2nd, 2004, 1:30pm by Tiannia » |
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Carl_D
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #1 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 1:37pm » |
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LOL! Good ones!
Here's a cute one too.
A young boy was staring at a war memorial plaque when the pastor found him in the foyer. The boy asked, "What is this?" The Pastor said, "These are all the young men and women who died in the service."
The boy got very quiet and after a moment asked nervously, "Was it the morning service or the evning service?"
CD
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Jeepgun
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #2 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 1:46pm » |
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LMAO!! These are great... LOL!
A young mother, in a futile attempt to get her daughter to stop sucking her thumb, told her that if she didn't quit, her belly would swell up big and round. A couple of days later, at the market, the little girl walked up to a very pregnant woman and said, "OooOOOOH!! I know what YOU'VE been doing!!" 
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #3 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 1:54pm » |
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Last week as my Wife and I were leaving the house with our 3 year old daughter, our adult son asked where we were going and my wife told him the we were going to the liquer store.
Our 3 year old then asked my wife "Oh, Are you gonna get all liquered up?".
The laughter delayed our trip by about 10 minutes.
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Kevin_M
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #4 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 2:03pm » |
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Thanks for the midday brain snacks. The Twinkie was my favorite Tia. 
Kevin M
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BarbaraD
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #5 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 9:24pm » |
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And there was the little boy who got a spanking. He cried and cried, then walked to the mirror and pulled his pants down. He looked in the mirror and said, "Just what I thought - cracked wide open!"
Hugs BD
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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Leesa
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #6 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 9:35pm » |
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LMAOROTF these are GREAT!!! These are nuff to keep going tonight in case the beast decides to rear his ugly head with Dave. Thank you!
Leesa 
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"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." General H. Norman Schwarzkopf 
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Sean_C
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #7 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 10:25pm » |
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I needed this
Sean...............
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alleyoop
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Re: Why we love children (not CH)
« Reply #8 on: Aug 2nd, 2004, 10:43pm » |
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A little boy was riding with his dad in his jeep one day when they saw two dogs in a compromising position. The little boy asked, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?" "They're making a puppy, son" his dad replied.
A few days later, the little boy happened to walk in on his parents in a compromising position. "What are you doing, dad?" asked the boy. Thinking fast his dad replied, "We're making you a little sister, son." Without missing a beat, the little boy said, "Turn her over dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
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I know that the Good Lord won't put any more on you than you can stand, but sometimes I wish He weren't quite so PROUD of ME!
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