Author |
Topic: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!! (Read 1284 times) |
|
Jayne
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Pull my finger!
Gender: 
Posts: 1460
|
 |
A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:27am » |
 Quote  Modify
|
If you are easily offeneded, please don't read anymore.
This is a true story and it happened to me about 4 years ago. I have only told a handfull of people the tale, but I thought we could all use a good laugh around here, so here goes.
This story comes in 2 parts.
Part 1
A few years ago I had read on the board that the use of Capsapian cream or the cream that sportsmen use for injuries, would help a clusterheadache. I read that if you applied the cream to the side of the headache it would help the pain.
I ran out and and bought a tube.
A couple of days later I had the chance to test it out. The beast awoke in my head. I opened up the tube and smeared some of the cream to my temple, forehead and jaw area. I got back into bed and waitied for the magic to happen.
Oh my god, it made it worse if that is possible. In my pain, I used my hand to get the excess cream off my face and I wiped it on the bed sheet on the side of my bed. I kept wiping and wiping.
I ran into the shower to rinse it off, then danced with the beast for the duration.
End of part one.
Side note. Sometimes in the throes of pain, I forget what I have done.
Part2
(5 days later)
I was getting ready for bed and I felt a little...errr.......tense shall we say.
Being a chronically single woman, I need help to eerrr....de-stress.
So I went to find my "big man in a drawer"
I found him. Got into bed. I looked closely at "him" and it had a little feather on the end of it. (My down comforter is a pain). Well I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed again, so I wiped the feather off on the side of my bed sheet.
So I began to ...errrrr...destress myself.
This unfamiliar sensation began to take over my nether regions. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
My Lucy was on FIRE!!!!!!!!
I jumped out of bed as fast as I could, clambered into the shower, turned the cold water, grabbed the shower head and tried to calm the raging flames that were taking over my woomanhood.
Later, I was in my living room trying to figure out what in the hell had just happened. I called my best friend and told her the story in a shakey voice.
"Karen, someone sabotaged my dildo...whaaaaaaaaaa"
"I think someone must have dipped it in hot sauce whaaaaaaa"
"I'm coming over" she said.
Karen arrived at my house 20 minutes later with a ziplock bag and some cold yogurt.
We figured it must have been the maintenance men.
"I'm calling the cops in the morning" said Karen
She ordered me to put the offending object into the ziplock bag. "They might be able to fingerprint it"
The next morning Karen called me and reported she had indeed called the cop shop and asked if it was possible for a vibrator to be fingerprinted.
I think they thought it was a prank call.
Well a few days went by, I had already got a lock put on my bedroom door, and Karen still had my "man" in a bag.
I was relaxing watching TV when all of a sudden it dawned on me what I had done. "Oh Shit"
I called Karen and told her, and we laughed till we cried.
My Lucy has never really been the same 
|
|
 IP Logged |
If you haven't laughed today, it's been a wasted day. 
|
|
|
Jeepgun
Guest
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #1 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:33am » |
Quote Modify
 Remove
|
OMFG!! THAT is hilarious!!! I've got one to rival that story, Jayne!
I was being "destressed" by hand, and it felt wonderful. Just as I was "going critical," the PHYSOD (Purple-Headed Yogurt-Slinger Of Doom) felt like it was on FIRE!! I've never had anything hurt so bad and feel so good all at the same time. As I was catching my breath, the pain got worse and worse. Finally, I grabbed the container out of her hand and looked at the ingredients: "Active Ingredient: Capsciacin"
Holy mother of god... I washed as much of it off as I could, and promptly treated the PHYSOD with some nice cool Aloe gel...  
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
ckelly181
New Board Old Timer
To err is human; To forgive, canine.
Gender:
Posts: 364
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #2 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:35am » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:27am, Jayne wrote:
Karen arrived at my house 20 minutes later with a ziplock bag and some cold yogurt. |
|
OMG that is so funny...as a single gal, I can relate to the
'bob the destresser" story...
...but WTF was the YOGURT for????
Chris
|
|
IP Logged |
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
|
|
|
echo
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Chronic and still alive --- I Win!
Gender: 
Posts: 4214
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #3 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:37am » |
Quote Modify
|
Great story. I can well imagine that the cops thought it was a prank call.
|
|
IP Logged |
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
Proud Dad of a US Marine, and a former Marine turned Police Officer.
|
|
|
Jayne
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Pull my finger!
Gender:
Posts: 1460
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #4 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:39am » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:35am, ckelly181 wrote:
OMG that is so funny...as a single gal, I can relate to the
'bob the destresser" story...
...but WTF was the YOGURT for????
Chris
|
|
Natural yogurt is very good for calming and cooling your "girl"
|
|
IP Logged |
If you haven't laughed today, it's been a wasted day.
|
|
|
echo
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Chronic and still alive --- I Win!
Gender:
Posts: 4214
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #5 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:44am » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:39am, Jayne wrote:
Natural yogurt is very good for calming and cooling your "girl"
|
|
I'm going to buy a gallon and dump it over my wifes head. Hopefully it will mellow her ass down alittle bit. You did say works for calming your girl - right?
|
|
IP Logged |
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
Proud Dad of a US Marine, and a former Marine turned Police Officer.
|
|
|
Lobster
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 2016
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #6 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:49am » |
Quote Modify
|
Ahh Jayne... you always bring out the inner child in me.
My inner child is a furious masturbator. 
Jasus edwarsii
|
|
IP Logged |
Rock beats Scissors.
|
|
|
Giovanni
New Board Hall of Famer
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
Gender:
Posts: 764
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #7 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:55am » |
Quote Modify
|
Jayne,
You're a riot!!
John
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
ckelly181
New Board Old Timer
To err is human; To forgive, canine.
Gender:
Posts: 364
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #8 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:56am » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:39am, Jayne wrote:
Natural yogurt is very good for calming and cooling your "girl"
|
|
LOL - how do people learn about these things?
Uh, maybe I don't want to know... 
Chris
|
|
IP Logged |
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
|
|
|
Melissa
Guest
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #9 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 11:58am » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
ok, i am going to have nightmares....
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
thomas
Guest
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #10 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:02pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:27am, Jayne wrote:
This story comes in 2 parts.
|
|
hehehehe Sorry that happened to ya Jayne. But, thanks for sharing.
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Peppermint
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Work it out baby!
 
Gender:
Posts: 2605
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #11 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:11pm » |
Quote Modify
|
"Ta whom it may kunsern..."
|
|
IP Logged |
You like apples? How ya like them apples?
When playing in the gym, beware of steel beams. - M. Amyx
Carve your name on hearts, and not on marble. - Charles H. Spurgeon
FYI - I am NOT a clusterhead.
|
|
|
Linda_Howell
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Hearing is one thing. Listening is another.
  
Gender:
Posts: 6721
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #12 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:12pm » |
Quote Modify
|
This story proves 2 things to me:
1. That Jayne can make me laugh uncontrollably.
2. That one should change their sheets more often than every 5 days.
Linda
|
|
IP Logged |
Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
|
|
|
Jayne
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Pull my finger!
Gender:
Posts: 1460
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #13 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:15pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:12pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
2. That one should change their sheets more often than every 5 days.
Linda
|
|
Or change their Vibbey every 4 days
|
|
IP Logged |
If you haven't laughed today, it's been a wasted day.
|
|
|
ExplodingEyeBall
New Board Hall of Famer
I can't think of anything clever to put here.
Gender:
Posts: 2589
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #14 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:24pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Jayne...
Thanks for making me piss my pants at work!!! I guess I'll have to stay close to my desk now.
This is by far one of the funniest stories I have ever read.
I have some good embarrasing stories about myself that I will eventually share.
|
|
IP Logged |
Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
|
|
|
ShariRae
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 927
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #15 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:41pm » |
Quote Modify
|
OMG... That is toooooo funny...I too just peed my pants at work..dang!! LOL
My Battery
Operated
Boyfriend is one of my most special friends as well
ummm that was prolly TMI.. sorry lol
Huggs and (dare I say it) VIBES
to all
Shari
|
|
IP Logged |
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
|
|
|
BlueMeanie
Guest
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #16 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:49pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
LMAO. You are just too funny. 
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Lobster
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 2016
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #17 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:52pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:41pm, ShariRae wrote:My Battery Operated
Boyfriend is one of my most special friends as well |
|
She never said it was battery operated.
Here is her boyfriend cleaning it off in some concrete.
/might not really be her boyfriend
|
|
IP Logged |
Rock beats Scissors.
|
|
|
Jeepgun
Guest
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #18 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 12:56pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
YIKES!! I've used one of those, doing concrete work... Using one of those in an uh... intimate manner... *shudder*
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Jayne
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Pull my finger!
Gender:
Posts: 1460
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #19 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 1:19pm » |
Quote Modify
|
errrrr....do they sell those things on ebay do ya know please?
It's not for me,I'm thinking as a gift for my friend Karen.
|
|
IP Logged |
If you haven't laughed today, it's been a wasted day.
|
|
|
Luke63
New Board Hall of Famer
For sale: 1 BIG BARKING HEAD Price: Free
Gender:
Posts: 1182
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #20 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 1:19pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Hey Jayne...your "little man in the drawer" is referred to,up here as, a "rubber husband" And by the way..when ya get around to it...how about that bathtub story some day too!!!!
Lukey-Poo!!!
|
|
IP Logged |
I think we should all get together and do a movie..."Night of The Clusterheads". George Romero would have nothing on us!!!
|
|
|
Axel
New Board Newbie
after 15 years finally found a name for the beast
Gender:
Posts: 32
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #21 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 1:31pm » |
Quote Modify
|
...Just amazing!! I've not laughed that hard in a looong time!! keep the good work girl...!
|
|
IP Logged |
.......ciao... AXEL.......
|
|
|
ExplodingEyeBall
New Board Hall of Famer
I can't think of anything clever to put here.
Gender:
Posts: 2589
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #22 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 1:36pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:19pm, Luke63 wrote:
It has to be good.
|
|
IP Logged |
Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
|
|
|
Luke63
New Board Hall of Famer
For sale: 1 BIG BARKING HEAD Price: Free
Gender:
Posts: 1182
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #23 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 1:41pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Oh......it is Pat it is.... OOps...it is Pat...right?
|
|
IP Logged |
I think we should all get together and do a movie..."Night of The Clusterheads". George Romero would have nothing on us!!!
|
|
|
Jimmy_B
Guest
|
|
Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
« Reply #24 on: Jul 28th, 2004, 1:47pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
The pulsating showerhead comes in Three Speeds.
Gentle
Pulsating
& who needs a man. 
Jimmy
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss