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Topic: The house that pain built... (Read 361 times) |
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Georgia
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The house that pain built...
« on: Jul 24th, 2004, 5:11pm » |
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I haven't posted much on the board lately...I read, I lurk, and when something strikes me, I post. Today I read a post from a wife whose husband was going through a difficult time. I replied, sending out some words of advise about how she could help support her husband through all of this...and then I started thinking about my husband....
Dennis and I met here years ago. We built a friendship that grew into love, and from there, marriage. Two clusterheads, brought together by pain, kept together by love...
I honestly never thought that I meet someone who could understand me, who could understand this pain and all encompassing horror...I was damaged goods. And then I met someone who was even more fucked in the head than I, a silly ole bear with a twinkle in his eye...someone who could always make me laugh...someone who could see right through me and was not scared off by what he found there...someone who would stay by me when the beast ripped through me, body and soul, and kiss my eyes when it was over...someone who appreciated my..uhh.."special" way of seeing things.
We celebrated our first year of marriage this past June. It has not been an easy year. I was laid off a few weeks before the wedding, he was forced to leave his job of 13 years only months later because of CH, our son (my step-son) is in threat of losing all of his rights as a physically disabled adult at the hands of his mother, we started a non-profit organization to bring opportunities in the Arts to disabled and at-risk kids and are doing all the work ourselves, we are broke, we got pregnant, we lost the baby, we are surprised when we wake to find our lights still on, we discovered that I am an insatiable nympho and he is an old man, we have struggled, and we have starved...together.
I lost sight of that recently, that together part. I don't know if its because of the drastic hormone changes since the miscarriage, or the depression that followed, or the constant pain in my head that clouded my vision, or the stress surrounding us, or just my own fucking stupidity and insecurities. Whatever the cause, I lost sight of what is most important to me in this life, I lost sight of why....I fucked up, and I am so very sorry for that.
Clarity has returned.
I don't mean to get all sappy and emotional...I don't even know why I am posting all this here. I guess I feel like our love started here, and it is here that it needs to be renewed. I think of love when I think of this board. I think of love when I think of the first words I ever posted to Dennis...."I am gonna beat your lily white punk ass."
Peace and love,
G
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BarbaraD
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #1 on: Jul 24th, 2004, 5:15pm » |
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Awe Georgia -- now you got this old broad teary eyed.
Give Adam a hug for me and pinch Den on the butt...
Love to you BD
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manana
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #2 on: Jul 24th, 2004, 5:22pm » |
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You have made the effort to renew it. Bless you.
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Superpain
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #3 on: Jul 24th, 2004, 6:19pm » |
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Sorry to hear you're struggling.
That's an amazing story... I can't imagine being married to another clusterhead. How terrible and wonderfully special at the same time.
Best wishes. 
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Chris
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #4 on: Jul 24th, 2004, 6:35pm » |
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We all lose sight now and again about what's important in our lives - thankfully, you've regained it.
Wishing you all the best.
Carol
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Jeepgun
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #5 on: Jul 24th, 2004, 7:31pm » |
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I'm so sorry for the suffering that you've endured and the hard times that you've had, but love conquers all, and it seems that you've put it all into proper perspective and re-dedicated yourselves to that. Love and blessings to your whole family.
-Frank
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ClusterChuck
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #6 on: Jul 24th, 2004, 8:24pm » |
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Georgia, darling, I am SO happy to see this post! I am VERY glad that the two of you have found each other AGAIN! It has made this old fart happy to read!
Still, I don't see why you went to THAT ugly old bastard, when this handsome old fart is available ... heehee ...
Seriously, though, I am SO happy for the two of you!
We should talk again ... I so enjoy our chats ... Give the old coot a pinch on the butt, and slap a good wet one on him ... Make him wonder what is going on ... Keep him guessing!!! haha!!! You two are such great people!!
Don't be such a stranger here!
Chuck
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Ree
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #7 on: Jul 25th, 2004, 12:34am » |
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God Bless you G... he is so lucky to have you and you, ... him...Many better years ahead for you... love to you Ree
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vig
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #8 on: Jul 25th, 2004, 1:31am » |
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What an amazing post!
Good luck to both of you.
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rumplestiltskin
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internet romance...bah humbug
don't encourage her
sounds like she wants somethin...the usual...and I'm too tired tonite...again.
break it up....nothing more to see here.
She rubs...tickle rubs my back and belly for hours...so how do I wake up so grumpy? I think I'm sick in the head...yea that's it.
zzzzzzzz
den
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Charlie
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #10 on: Jul 25th, 2004, 5:38am » |
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Don't know what we'd have done without your posts Georgia. You know what a softie I am when I read your stuff. Just shows to go ya what a clusterhead can do when down in the dumps.
Hope you and yours get a break. One damn thing at a time doesn't seem too much to ask for.
Keep your and Den's multiple chins up.
Charlie
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Leesa
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #11 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 3:58pm » |
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Den and Georgia, I hope and pray for you both that things get MUCH better for you both. You were made for each other. Im glad you have each other to help and comfort each other. It does my heart good to see posts like this it remindes me of whats important FAMILY!!! Love you both lots and BIG hugs to Adam from me.
Best wishes for a brighter future, Leesa 
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Margi
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #12 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 4:12pm » |
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Well, happy freaking anniversary you two!!
Always try to recapture the feeling you two had, barefoot on the beach that day. It sometimes can get elusive but it's never really far away.
We all know you two were/are destined to be together. One's an inny, one's an outy (we're just never sure which is which - maybe interchangeable?). It's just the way of the karmic world, my girl. Clouds roll in blocking the horizon and you assume that horizon is gone. Assumptions suck. (wow, that's poetic, huh? I should really write that down.)
I miss our email chats, Georgia. Sounds like you've needed some butt kicking lately and, frankly, I'm a little miffed that you didn't remember where to come to get it! You know I'm always good for that when you need it. and, yeah - I got lotsa hugs for you too, if you need those.
love to you both,
Margi (who still has that bridesmaid's dress with that big honking bow on the back. I'll save it for your tenth wedding anniversary, k?)
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Little Deb
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #13 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 4:15pm » |
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Georgia,
I don't really know you and Den. But when I came on the board a couple years ago, one of your posts greatly touched me and I still have it.
All I can do is send vibes and prayers your way, and give you a cyber hug. Glad you have found yourself again. And rediscovered your love. There are not many people in life one can truly count on. When you find that special person, don't let go. Sometimes we all just need to refocus.
...........................Little Deb
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Jayne
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #14 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 4:33pm » |
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Oh Jeez.....no one told me someone loves Den 
I am so happy for the two of you that you have each other. Give the old codger a kiss on his cheek from me,. then ask him to give you a hug from me.
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Linda_Howell
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #15 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 6:10pm » |
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oh damn...and I was gonna re-post someone's elses posts and say ditto or something as redundant as that.
Georgia and Den...you two have, if for no other reason and no other truth....at least have served in words to live by. And I thank you for that.
Den, you are a mighty one.
Linda
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Georgia
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If ya don't like my peaches, don't shake my tree.
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #16 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 6:43pm » |
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This is why I love this place. You guys are simply the best. Thank you all so much for the love and support.
And yes, Margi...I know...I'm sorry I didn't come here to get the sense slapped back into me. But, WHY didn't I? (warning - severe and, more likely than not, ridiculous self-psycho-analysis ahead, haha, get it?? a head? oh nevermind...mind...heh heh. I need help.)
Last night, I was standing in the shower, in the throws of an attack, fighting the urge to bash my head through the shower walls, crying, and as per my usual, talking to the beast. I usually have a great little conversation consisting of pleas to stop, threats, lots and lots of name calling, etc. Last night I heard different words coming from my mouth...I was not concious of the thoughts, just the words. I heard myself saying between the prophanity, "You killed my baby. You are the reason I took those fucking meds that killed my baby. I hate you (repeatedly). YOU deserve to die. You WILL die. I will do anything in my power to take you down, ANYTHING, even if that means taking myself down with you. I want my baby back." I broke down completely, and cried hysterically for the rest of the hour long attack.
*I have no intention of "taking myself down", so stop worrying*
I scared myself last night. Can emotions be so hidden, only to surface months later with such force?? I don't know if this has any truth to it at all, but I was thinking after this happened that perhaps that was why I had been staying away from the board so much. Perhaps that was why I wanted to hear nothing about CH, research, meds, etc. Had you asked me if I felt that way, I would have said no. I am shocked...by the words...by the power of the emotion that came through me...by the twisted logic that would stop me from reaching out to the people that love me on this MB. And of course, this begged the question - what else is locked in there that is having equally as damaging effects on other aspects of my life that I am totally unaware of???
I thought I was over it. I thought I had mourned, accepted it, and moved on. I am beginning to think I am wrong. I am beginning to think that this is touching more aspects of my life than just my desire to be on the MB. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Advice?
I just don't know. I do know that I love my Denny. I know that I love all of you and appreciate, more than you know, your words of support.
Fucking epiphanies. Sign me up for a total brain transplant.
And by the way - I am the innie, he is the in-and-outtie.
Peace and love,
Georgia
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la la lala la la.....(its the theme song from the smurfs in case you couldn't tell) Need a smile? Click here: http://users.compaqnet.be/cn174277/Smurfs%20-%20Smurf%20Theme%20Song.mp3
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Jonny
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #17 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 6:47pm » |
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La la la, la la la la, la la la...la la la la
......................................jonny
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Roxy
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #18 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 7:21pm » |
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on Jul 26th, 2004, 6:43pm, Georgia wrote:
Fucking epiphanies. Sign me up for a total brain transplant. |
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Just trade brains with den for a bit......would at least liven things up.....
I've missed you two around here, glad to see you back. I'm just so sorry things have been so tough for you. You know we would take some of your load and carry it for you if we can. We would at least give it a damn good try.
Tracey
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Cerberus
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #19 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 8:22pm » |
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Ah.....good to know there IS order to this madness. I forget sometimes too. May your fortune improve very soon Georgia.
Ramon
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Carl_D
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #20 on: Jul 26th, 2004, 9:10pm » |
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Glad to see you back Georgia. Been quite awhile since we talked. I really do hope things get better for the both of you soon. Tis only a moment that will pass. 
Hugs and vibes to you and Den,
Carl D
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Pinkfloyd
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Re: The house that pain built...
« Reply #21 on: Jul 27th, 2004, 12:45pm » |
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on Jul 24th, 2004, 5:11pm, Georgia wrote: we discovered that I am an insatiable nympho and he is an old man
Peace and love,
G |
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Sounds like something the OUCH Family Services team should be equipped to handle.
It certainly would be a great membership drive promotion.
Best of luck G & D
PF
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