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Topic: I don't know where to begin... (Read 351 times) |
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Melissa
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but I sure wished none of it would end!! I miss everyone so damn much!  I've been sitting here, trying to figure out just what to write. Should I go through each and every persons names like Elaine does and write my thoughts of how I feel about them, or should I just keep it really short like others have done, and just say what a wonderful time I had meeting the clusterheads and supporters I've never met before, and how joyful it was to see my old friends again. But I've come to a conclusion that I will just write as I feel, as I go along. Dammit, see? I am still having a hard time on where to begin, because the whole weekend was so overwhelming, it is hard to put it all into one post.
I do want to say though, that having to see a person I care so deeply for, suffer so miserably over and over again, pisses me off to no fucking end. Now I have seen others get hit before, but watching someone get hit more than once, makes you want to scream out, "why the fuck do we have to put up with this shit!!!" to the heavens while wishing you had your 70lb weight bag hanging nearby to beat the piss out of. I am angry, I am sooooooooooo angry at this rotten brain disorder we have. It is not seeing someone get hit that bothers me, it is KNOWING how that pain feels and the fact someone else is feeling that pain, is what bothers me. Ya know, I have had people ask me why I work for OUCH and sometimes I wonder that myself, especially when it seems some have little faith in what we are trying to accomplish, but I think many of you understand now why some of us keep plugging along and hanging on, especially when it seems like many have given up. It all goes back to seeing that one person, no matter who they are, have an attack right in front of you. Doesn't matter if you are in another room, you still know it's happening, and it hurts deep down in the heart to know even after doing all you can for them, hoping it will help, that in the end, you are helpless anyway. I so wish the beast were something tangible that I could beat into a senseless bloody pulp, because then I would feel better and those that suffer would feel better, but I can't, and that makes me mad.
Anway, enough with that crap!!! Inbetween the hits people took, we had a BLAST!!! I hugged and kissed my old friends that I haven't seen in a couple years, and it is like we just left off from the last time we saw each other. I also met many many ppl that I have chatted with online, which was GREAT! I cannot say enough, how generous clusterheads and their supporters are! You will never in your life find a support group like ours, the network is amazing and the moment you say hello and give another ch'er a hug, the connection is there and they are your family member for life. I so wish to write down everyones names and tell you all how much I love and care for you, but I am planning on seeing many of you again before next years convention, so for now I will think of this as a "so long for now" moment, and possibly give those back here online, who weren't able to come, a sense of wanting to make it to next years, or to a local meet and greet.
I love you all, I miss you all, and I am here if you need me, want to talk, laugh or cry. I hope nobody got a bad impression of me, I would hate to have that, because I care deeply for everyone here and if I didn't talk to you, I am so sorry. I was trying my damndest to at least say hello to all!
much love and lots of hugs and kisses,
 mel
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Woobie
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #1 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:23pm » |
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And YOU LOOK MARVELOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Luke63
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #2 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:29pm » |
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Very beautiful Melissa....and never forget.....memories for the most part..are a wonderful thing. So let's all toast to many more great memories..shall we? Luke
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I think we should all get together and do a movie..."Night of The Clusterheads". George Romero would have nothing on us!!!
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alleyoop
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #3 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:35pm » |
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on Jul 20th, 2004, 4:23pm, Woobie wrote:And YOU LOOK MARVELOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ditto on looking Marvelous, Woobie!
But at least for me, since it was my first time meeting Mel, it was that Big Heart that impressed me so!
...........................................alley
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I know that the Good Lord won't put any more on you than you can stand, but sometimes I wish He weren't quite so PROUD of ME!
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Jeepgun
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #4 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:39pm » |
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*HUGGGGGGGGS, Mel!* Very well-stated...
P.S. It never ends, because love just goes on and on... Never "Farewell," but rather, "See you soon!"
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| « Last Edit: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:40pm by Jeepgun » |
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BillyJ.
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #5 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:40pm » |
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Fukken dust
Quote:| I do want to say though, that having to see a person I care so deeply for, suffer so miserably over and over again, pisses me off to no fucking end. Now I have seen others get hit before, but watching someone get hit more than once, makes you want to scream out, "why the fuck do we have to put up with this shit!!!" to the heavens while wishing you had your 70lb weight bag hanging nearby to beat the piss out of. I am angry, I am sooooooooooo angry at this rotten brain disorder we have. It is not seeing someone get hit that bothers me, it is KNOWING how that pain feels and the fact someone else is feeling that pain, is what bothers me. |
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Very well said,words seem to be failling me a lot lately,
when I do find the right ones I get so choked up I can't
say them anyway.
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Jimi
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #6 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:50pm » |
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BJ, you gotta do something about that dust man. Dust was swirling last night in chat as well. I hope you can find some relief. 
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Margi
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #7 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:53pm » |
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yeah, that damn dust is making it's way up here to Canada too.
Damnit, Mel, you did it to me again. Just brought back all the post-Vancouver blues we all had all over again and that was two-freakin-YEARS ago!! You really nailed it, Melissa - AWESOME post!
And, you do loooook mahvellous, btw, missy! 
love and hugs
Margi
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Jimi
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #8 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 4:59pm » |
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It is a strange phenomonen though Mel. There were those that I had not seen since Atlanta and it did seem that we had just left off from the last time. That may be because we keep up with each other on here, and even if we do not post that much, like me, until now  , I read the msg board daily. Elaine asked me why I left for awhile a couple of years ago and I told her that I never left, I always read it daily and knew all the things that she and others had been going thru, but I have been out of cycle for so long my posts got fewer and far between but I read it daily.
Ruth said that the bond we have with each other is nothing she has ever seen before. I think it is because these clusters dominate our lives and no one else understands or even cares all that much. We have instant bonding due to that very reason I think. Of course I am old and probably should be spending more time at the geriatrics. com site 
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Melissa
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #9 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:00pm » |
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Tina, has anyone ever told you, that your personality shines like the brightest star? I just love you to death dear!! I miss talking to ya face to face already. 
Luke, I'll toast to those memories anytime, and I am planning on having many more in the future. Will you joing me in a glass of champagne next time I see you? You are such a wonderful man...
Bob, ty dear, that is a very sweet thing to say.
Frank, hugs to you too dear. I hope you're blues don't stick around for too long, and that you get excited on planning to attend the next get together, wherever that may be.
Billy, I know how you feel, that is why I had such a hard time figuring out what to post. I know my post is like one big run on sentence, but that is how my heart is feeling right now, like it's just running, and missing ya'll very much. Oh and Billy? You and Minnie are just wonderful!!!
Margi, ty for the compliment and I'm so sorry I made yer eyes mist up, I didn't intend to do that, and I LOVED Vancouver too. I cried my eyes out when my buds dropped me off at the airport. Well, they shoved me out, but we won't talk about that one.
Jimi, as usual, I feel like I've known you forever. But yer gettin olddddddddddd. I love you lots and regret not being able to talk with you more than I did. We gotta at least get an hour in next time, ok?
mel
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| « Last Edit: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:02pm by Melissa » |
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Renee
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #10 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:13pm » |
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heck Mel, I found the dust down here in Texas and I wasn't even able to attend the convention!
Beautiful writings from the heart! You certainly have the gift!
Renee
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23 years of battling the beast, 9 years chronic......uneducated docs/nurses make me irate.
The fungus among us is for real!
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Redd
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #11 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:21pm » |
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I don't how to say what is in me right now....
But Mel....we have to do coffee! Or better yet...a night on the town!
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I saw an act of faith today. A man was on his knees, not in a pew in a Church, but in a garden planting seeds. ~~Unknown
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Kevin_M
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #12 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:21pm » |
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Mel,
Your post is peek into the lovely person, through and through, that you are. It was always so special seeing you anytime our paths crossed. Thank you for another breathtaking experience of your what you are and reflect. You hold a special place within me forever and ever.
Kevin M
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Jayne
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #13 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 10:13pm » |
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well Mel, you made my eyes wee wee again. That really was a beautiful post....much like it's author.
Yes Jimi...the bond we all have is magical I believe.
They say every cloud has a silver lining. well that silver lining is the friendship and bond we all have.
They also say that you are lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand. Well my God, we all must be the luckiest people on the planet .
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Melissa
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #14 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 10:26pm » |
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Renee, sorry you couldn't make it, was looking forward to seeing you in person!
Pegg, we'll make plans to get coffee...or beer . Don't worry bout it hon, the blues will eventually go away, especially in January for DavCon, which I'm sure you can make it to!
Kevin, omg you have got to be the most generous soul I have ever met, even though you try and hide it!! I know you'd give the shirt off your back if a friend needed it, you're kindness overwhelms me. I am so happy I met you and look forward to seeing you again!
Jayne dear, I didn't want your eyes to pee, because that's a mess that would suck to clean up. Thank you for all you're hard work and dedication! I so wish I had your humor, cause then I could upstage you, but that would be impossible. Besides, it looks good on you! I missed getting my whole hug goodbye, but will get it from ya next time. I love ya a lot, ever since I first talked with you in chat years ago....
It is VERY ironic how we can be the hardest hit, yet luckiest people around. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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| « Last Edit: Jul 20th, 2004, 10:29pm by Melissa » |
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Kevin_M
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #15 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 10:51pm » |
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Melissa,
BTW, that picture Little Deb took of you and me, just cut me the heck out of it and nail it on your posts. You have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL smile and eyes I have EVER seen. Thank you for all the brightness you reflect.
Kevin M
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catlind
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #16 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 11:37pm » |
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A truly magnificent post from a magnificent person. You are such a warm and loving soul Mel, you have no idea how much I enjoyed finally meeting you.
Everytime I go to a gathering, I have discovered that I learn something new about myself, about others, and about the beast...
on Jul 20th, 2004, 3:53pm, Melissa wrote:| Doesn't matter if you are in another room, you still know it's happening, and it hurts deep down in the heart to know even after doing all you can for them, hoping it will help, that in the end, you are helpless anyway. |
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This past convention I learned something that is very important to me. Many many times we have all talked about how helpless we and our supporters feel. The truth is, we can't fix what is happening, but we are NOT helpless.
Not being able to physically do anything is not helpless. The love that is exuded in overwhelming amounts is more helpful than any drug I've ever used. Having the support and caring of someone whose heart is as big as yours Mel, that is extremely helpful.
No, we are not helpless. When we give and receive the love that comes from the heart of pain, when we stand beside those we care for and endure their pain with them, when we reach out to touch a hand, and we touch a heart, when we quietly pray, when we quietly cry, when we bravely accept the position of supporter and sufferer - that transcends the helpless barrier. That moves each of you into the realm of being more helpful than anything else on the face of this earth.
The love of this family, that is true help.
The love from a heart like yours Mel, that is pure gold in the department of help.
Cat
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fubar
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #17 on: Jul 21st, 2004, 12:22am » |
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All this 'oh we had such a wonderful time..."
shit
I'm such a dumbass for not going
ugh
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suzy617
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #18 on: Jul 21st, 2004, 4:38am » |
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It was a pleasure meeting you Mel.
Suzy
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Melissa
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #19 on: Jul 21st, 2004, 9:44am » |
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Kevin, I will NOT cut you out of that picture! I am honored to have a pic of the both of us! So quit talking like a sausage.
Dammit Cat, you really know how to tug at a persons heartstrings. I was so upset that I didn't get to tell you goodbye, but look forward to the day I see you again. You are so knowledgable and hard working it amazes me how you can keep on going, especially when life is working against you. I love you very much, I hope you know that...
Fu, yeah, you're a dumbass . Ok ok, I just like calling people dumbasses, but anyway, I really wish I coulda met you, you sound like an awesome man. I am looking forward to the day I get to hug your neck!
Suzy, it was great meeting you also. I hope you had a good time!!
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Jackie
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Re: I don't know where to begin...
« Reply #20 on: Jul 21st, 2004, 9:56am » |
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Ahhhh.....Mel, you are a sweetheart!
I'm just sorry there wasn't more time......we hardly got to talk....
Love ya,
Jacks 
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