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Topic: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again... (Read 429 times) |
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ExPat_jac
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Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again...
« on: Jul 15th, 2004, 10:03pm » |
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I'm setting at my office desk, it's early, I'm crying for Christ sake, I'm 45 years old, in a third world country as an ex-pat, and I'm scared...
Once more...if someone sees me, I'll be labeled a crack pot.
I can't afford to loose this job....
I have nothing left any more...
I know within a few hours it will be back...
And I just can't do it any more....
I'm tired of dancing...
I'm tried of people thinking I'm some sort of idiot...
I mean, after all, all it is is a headache right? Hell...I don't even have the freakin headache right now.....so what the hell is the problem...right?
It's worse here than anywhere I have ever been. I can't speak the language, I have no support, no medication (the co-workers here tell "oh you have a headache? Have you hear about panadol? Here...let me get you some aspirin" shit, like putting a band aid on an amputated arm.)
I'm sorry....I don't even know why I'm writting this....
I guess it's because I have nothing else...no one else....
Fuck it....I'm going to try to straighten up, have a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette, try, for the millonith time to look and act normal....
and live another day.....
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vig
CH.com Alumnus
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CHit Happens
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #1 on: Jul 15th, 2004, 10:03pm » |
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You can do it, we all do.
stiff upper lip...
chin up...
Fight one more round.
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| « Last Edit: Jul 15th, 2004, 10:04pm by vig » |
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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What Goes Around Comes Around!
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #2 on: Jul 15th, 2004, 10:13pm » |
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C'mon buddy - hang in there. You can do this! I know it's tough but you can do it!
We're all here - feel free to vent - sometimes it helps just to know there's someone out there who honestly understands.
Hang tough kiddo!
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klp
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #3 on: Jul 15th, 2004, 10:50pm » |
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dont give up! feel free to pm me anytime. I dont know your schedule but you can call me collect if you need someone to talk to. you've beat the beast before and will this time also. Krista
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Gator
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #4 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 12:17am » |
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Hang in there, dude. Have your cig and a cup then just try to chill. Take slow deep breaths - fill your lungs deep. Try printing off some info about CH and give it to your boss and/or co-workers. Someone there must understand you, even if you can't understand them.
Here is a letter for your colleagues. It explains things rather well. Hopefully someone can understand enough to let the rest of your co-workers in on the situation.
http://www.ouch-uk.org/ch/note_colleagues.cfm
Didn't you say you don't have access to meds? Charlie has a technique that he and others swear by. It's not 100%, but then nothing is. Go here and give it a try:
http://www.netsync.net/~charlies/
There are some other things you can try, like ice on your head, strong coffee, tons of water, vigorous exercise, maybe you might have access to melatonin - it's sold OTC here. Do some research on this website for other non-medication suggestions.
I'd get a hobby that takes your mind off everything else while you are doing it. Also, check out some herbal solutions to help you cope with depression. You should be able to find some reasonable and legal substitues for traditional medicine there.
Whatever you do, just don't give up. You're a clusterhead and clusterheads never say die!
Gator
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ExPat_jac
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air so thick it is it's own food group!!!
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #5 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 12:21am » |
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I can't.
I'm going to loose this job too....
I know you know what it's like...but this is different...theres not a sole here that I can even talk to...not anyone that can even begin to give me any help...
If I loose this job, I'm on the streets in a third world county without a penny...and FUCKING STILL HURTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok...I'm osrry friends...I'm better now....I went outside, found a friend that spoke english....and was able to at least talk for awhile....
I can hold it together (haha for a bit longer at least)
THANK YOU.......
thank you all.....
Reallly.....thank you.
I'm trying as hard as I can to look normal this morning....but I can't stop crying......
The only thing saving me at this momment is that there are only two other people in the office and I'm off in a room to myself....but within an hour there will be others here...and I CAN"T PULL IT TOGETHER.
I can't leave earily today..I left earily yesterday....
I have to deal with the owners today to finalize my work VISA, and if I don't do that...or if they see me like an am right now, then on the 19th I'll be illegal here and have no place to go, or no money to get there...
I know all this....and I can't stop crying......
I can't look normal anymore.....
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ExPat_jac
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #6 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 12:32am » |
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thanks thanks thanks.....
I'm back and fight another day......
Thanks.....
Damn...sometimes.....
But...you all know that, sorry for being such a pansy.....
I mean, afterall....it's only a headach right? 
Thanks guys.....you're a life saver...and this time...
I really mean that.
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Superpain
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #7 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 4:02am » |
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We're here for you!
But I gotta ask... WTF are you doing there!? If you don't even speak the language?
Check your pm's...
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Chris
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athos
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #8 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 5:11am » |
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Dude,
We are all here for ya... in the good and the bad... some of us had been paddling throuh shit creek for so long we don't know what clear water looks like.
sometimes it takes us down, but get back up.... We all have to.... With out some of the people on this board I would be here... They have saved me and my sanity more than once.
Here's hopin and prayin
--Ken
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ExPat_jac
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #9 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 5:26am » |
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Chris...Ken...
Thanks a lot...really....thanks....a lot.
Chris...side note....dude...I've spend half my *life* in places where I didn't speak the language.....lol
It's just life man...but sometimes, like here, it just happens to be harder than other times....boy, I wish this place had air conditioning! 
hey....come on, you should know as well as anyone...who could have a "normal" life with this condition! Mine...just happens to be a bit more less normal than most
Pease and thanks again to everyone, today was a bad day....it's now the afternoon..and about time for the deamon to start his dance once again...but thanks to y'all I'll make one more day...and thats all we can do....make one more day....
out.
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jhammer
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #10 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 8:48am » |
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Hang in there man!!!!
Normally when I feel like that...like nobody understands and everyone thinks I have 'just a headache'...2 words come to mind that make me feel all better
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| « Last Edit: Jul 16th, 2004, 9:00am by jhammer » |
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Samantha_Smith
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #11 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 11:06am » |
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Wow! I'm really sorry to hear what you are going thru. It sounds sooooo scary. I might just be blowing hot air but could you possibly go to the American Consulate in your country and ask for any assistance? Just a thought. I'll be praying for you. Samantha
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| « Last Edit: Jul 16th, 2004, 11:07am by Samantha_Smith » |
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mynm156
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #12 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 3:16pm » |
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ExPat_jac,
I wish that I could help you in another way. All I can say is remember WE ALL KNOW YOUR PAIN!! We are always here and THAT single thing helps me keep going the Demon comes calling.
GOOD VIBES
Your Brother in pain,
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"Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them."
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Tiannia
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #13 on: Jul 16th, 2004, 4:22pm » |
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Hun it will work out and you can get through it... We all do and we all can. You know that we understand. We are here for you and hare feeling your pain... Hell I can really sympathize right now, I've been hitting 2-3 times a work this last week and that does not count the night visits.
I wish there was more that I can do to help, but all I have are vibes and understanding.
-Tia
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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ExPat_jac
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air so thick it is it's own food group!!!
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #14 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:13pm » |
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jhammer....
*loved* the pic...that did more good than a handful of drugs!
To the rest....thanks....like everyone of you, I have my good days and my bad...
For most of my life, I've learned to deal with the deamon...heck, he visits me everyday, we're old friends by now..but there are time....
But thanks again, at least now, during those times I have found a group that really does understand because as you well know when you tell most people "damn, I've got a nasty headach today" they think "whats he bitching about, it's just a headach"
Peace my friends.....
ExPat_jac...back in his normal form 
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Little Deb
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #15 on: Jul 20th, 2004, 9:46pm » |
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Hang in there.
Go to the OUCH site and look for the letter for colleagues. Maybe it will help.
We are here for you.
Big Hugs..........Little Deb
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Jeepgun
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Re: Oh dear god..not again...I can't do this again
« Reply #16 on: Jul 21st, 2004, 12:11pm » |
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Hang in there, man. When I get hit at work, and don't have access to meds, or I'm in the middle of a meeting, I start getting real quiet inside. I focus on my breathing. I let the pain come, but let it beat on me the way the sea beats on the side of a mountain. Just because it hurts doesn't mean that I have to bend to it, fight against it, or react to it. It hurts. Okay: Big fat fuckin' deal. It's going to hurt. Relaxed inwardly, my only thought is, "If you're going to hit me, gimme your best shot." If I find that I can't maintain my poise and composure, then I excuse myself to the lavatory and hang out in one of the stalls until it passes. Good times, bad times, times of health, times of illness, times of good fortune, times of poverty and heartbreak: "This too shall pass."
Chin up. All is well. Don't worry about losing your job. Make up your mind that you are the best damned person for that job, and then go to it. Hang tough.
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