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Topic: Just needed to vent it.... (Read 390 times) |
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Redd
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Just needed to vent it....
« on: May 18th, 2004, 6:10pm » |
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Well as of today it’s official, “Chronic cluster headache with unspecified episodic cycles.” Knowing deep inside that was going to be the case, and seeing it in writing in my chart were two different animals. Sort of brought it all home you know.
The medication assistance program director Nicky, calls this morning to tell me that my application for the imitrex stat and 12 doses for 2 months has been approved and I can come and pick that up as well as my first “year” worth of Verapamil. Topamax is on the list but is on back order for the program. But the Imitrex will still cost me $20 every two months and that’s for a max of two doses a week. (yippy skippy) Hope I can get a job soon. But with this now, who the fuck is going to hire me? Been going threw my finances and by my math I have one more month worth of rent and about $200 left to my name to feed myself and two teenagers, plus pay all the other bills. Lucky for me I had my brother take my pistol last week. With all the shit I’ve been through in my life I’ve always been able to come through it. I almost think I’d have been better off not knowing what this was and kept lying to myself. Deluding myself that this will all be better soon. Reality really bites right now!
Without a job, no money coming in I’m not going to be able to have the kids here for the summer. Hell I may not even have an apartment for myself if things don’t improve soon. My BF bails on me. I have no family close enough to be of any comfort. I know I have the family here but when you really need a real hug you need a real hug.
It’s ironic. I worked in sales for a debt collection agency and now I’ll be the one having some 3 grand worth of bills headed in for collections from all this, at least maybe more.
When the ass that tried to beat me to death a few years ago did all that, at least I knew what I was fighting. I was able to work with local police, the DA and DOJ. When he went fugitive status after posting bail, I called all the local TV stations to ensure he was on the areas “most wanted” community service announcements. I had a face and place to fight and he’s now in prison. The demon was tangible. THIS demon is not. And has taken more from me in the process. And I can’t get in to see Pam without pre paying, because of the unpaid bills that were ordered paid by restitution from that assault, and somehow in the transfer of prisons that paperwork got lost. So soon I won’t even be able to get in to see Pam.
I don’t know if I’m able to reconcile that I’m going to have to live with this beast the rest of my life with little relief. I want the diagnosis to be wrong. I want my life back. I want to have someone to hold me while I cry. And what do I have? Myself sitting here typing to a cold lifeless computer screen, wanting everything I know I can’t have. Time will find me getting used to the idea, but for today and for some time to come I’ll be learning to cope I suppose. Crying alone. Z’s drawing hit home and I told her so. Now she can know why. Alone. Hell I have been going through this alone for how many years now right? What the hell are 40+ more?
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vig
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #1 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:13pm » |
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You're not alone, stand strong sister.
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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thomas
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #2 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:15pm » |
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on May 18th, 2004, 6:10pm, Redd715 wrote:| Chronic cluster headache with unspecified episodic cycles.” |
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I do not understand this terminology, please explain 
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Redd
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #3 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:23pm » |
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on May 18th, 2004, 6:15pm, thomas wrote:
I do not understand this terminology, please explain |
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neither do I Thomas...thats just what it said in my chart. All I know for sure is that I'm stocked up on enough verap to last me daily till the end of next June.
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I saw an act of faith today. A man was on his knees, not in a pew in a Church, but in a garden planting seeds. ~~Unknown
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Tiannia
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #4 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:24pm » |
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Redd It will work out and there are plenty of employeers that will hire you. That has been a topic on this site a lot. It might not be the easy job to get but it will work out.
You are not alone. We are all here and we undersatnd. I know what you mean about a hug. But "knowing" that there are people there is sometimes better then having someone there that does not give a fuck.
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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vig
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #5 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:25pm » |
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For me, even in chronicness, there are episodic subpatterns.
plus, I make up words
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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john123
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #6 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:30pm » |
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maybe Boy_Scout will come back and we can beat on him some more, that thread took my mind of all kinds of stuff 
I hear you, I see you, thanks for sharing that stuff  vibes, vibes, and more vibes
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| « Last Edit: May 18th, 2004, 6:34pm by john123 » |
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Redd
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #7 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:30pm » |
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on May 18th, 2004, 6:25pm, vig wrote:For me, even in chronicness, there are episodic subpatterns.
plus, I make up words
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I'm assuming that is what she meant Vig.
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I saw an act of faith today. A man was on his knees, not in a pew in a Church, but in a garden planting seeds. ~~Unknown
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broomhilda
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #8 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:32pm » |
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Redd, I know how you feel nothing like a hug and a shoulder right now, wish I could be there for you, stay strong you can do it...
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Andrea
( the 19th, chain)
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Suck it up Princess...
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Luke63
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #9 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:33pm » |
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Vent go ahead. If there's something I can do..or at least try to do...if you wanna talk...whatever..I'll do my best. Drop me a line if you want. Luke
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I think we should all get together and do a movie..."Night of The Clusterheads". George Romero would have nothing on us!!!
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #10 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:36pm » |
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I'm sorry you're getting hit so hard in so many different ways... clusters, financial, teenagers, unemployment, bf bailing....
Life does get better.... I promise!
Clusters - you have meds, though probably not enough imitrex....
Financial - you're an experienced salesperson! and, a benefit is that you have experience with debt collection (can't hurt, might help, right?) Many areas of Wisconsin have a rent-assistance program too.
Teenagers - they'll understand.... and if they're old enough they can get part-time jobs to pay their expenses and help you out.
BF - damn, I know that hurts.... remember that somebody worthy of you will stick by you through thick and thin, remaining honest and faithful by your side....
I do promise that life gets better! Life won't give up on you if you don't give up on it!
hugs,
Lizzie
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #11 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:37pm » |
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You feel free to vent anytime. You also have my email address from a recipe you sent last week.
My heart aches for you, trying to do this on your own without a supporter in your world. You know everyone here cares, but I understand it's not quite the same as a person right with you.
Stay strong, and the others are right, there are employers out there who will be willing to hire you.
Just you holler - there's always going to be someone around to hear you!!!!!
Vibes and Hugs
Carol
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Racer1_NC
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #12 on: May 18th, 2004, 6:58pm » |
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Redd....
I know it does seem like a tall mountain to climb right now......But you can get through it. I know you can....
Bill
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"Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime."
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Charlie
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #13 on: May 18th, 2004, 7:33pm » |
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Rats.
Sorry that all this is hitting you. It feels like you never get a break with this thing but you don't need all the other crapola on top.
"Unspecified Epicsodic Cycles." Geeze. That's helpful to somebody? It's as bad as "Complex Partial Seizures" that bizarre neurologists like to call petit mal seizures. Nothing comes up to "battle fatigue" for "shell shock." It's the end of the world.
Keep on ranting. I bet it helps.
Charlie
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ShariRae
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #14 on: May 18th, 2004, 7:42pm » |
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Redd,
One step at a time....baby steps..just keep looking & moving forward..We are here to take your hand...just grab hold...
Huggs
Shari
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mynm156
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #15 on: May 18th, 2004, 7:52pm » |
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Dear Redd,
I wont pretend that I know all that you are going through but I will promise this not just to you but to all my borthers and sisters here if you ever need someone and see me on go for it!! This site has given me hope when I thought there was non. I send you all the GOOD VIBES AND HUGS!!!
MYNM156
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Melissa
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #16 on: May 18th, 2004, 8:17pm » |
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Redd, I'm going to tell you right now, it's not what life throws at you that matters, it's how you react to it. I am very sorry you got that diagnosis, but you can either dwell in misery and self pity about it, or make sure the PF time you do have is well spent. I'm sorry if I am coming across harsh, but you were not given a death sentence, please try and remember that for it will get you through the hard times. I care about all clusterheads here. Chronic or not the pain is the same, only the duration is different. Try and stay strong. Take things day by day or hour to hour if need be. You can DO this!
Hang in there,
mel
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Sean_C
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #17 on: May 18th, 2004, 8:24pm » |
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Hang in there kid, lotsa love coming your way
Sean
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Cerberus
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #18 on: May 18th, 2004, 8:30pm » |
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Redd...
I am sooooo feeling your pain right now, you have no idea how much of your trouble I/we have shared in common. Hang in there the first month or so is the worst part.....not knowing what is/will happen next.
With ya .....fer real,
Ramon
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BlueMeanie
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #19 on: May 18th, 2004, 8:35pm » |
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Hi Redd.
I know words don't mean alot, but I want to say things will get better for you. Sometimes when you're at your lowest it seams you just can't pull yourself back up, but it will work out over time. Try not to worry about everything at once. Take babysteps and slowly things will improve for you.
You should have no problem getting a job with your experiences. I've never mentioned clusters when looking for a job. What they don't know won't hurt. You can always tell them later as a neccessity when you have no choice. Most people understand to a point anyway. Show them the printed paperwork found on this site when the time comes.
Good luck to you Redd. Positive Vibes heading your way.
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Redd
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #20 on: May 18th, 2004, 8:44pm » |
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on May 18th, 2004, 8:35pm, BlueMeanie wrote: I've never mentioned clusters when looking for a job. What they don't know won't hurt. You can always tell them later as a neccessity when you have no choice.
Good luck to you Redd. Positive Vibes heading your way. |
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I've spoken to a few prospects that ask why I'm no longer with the company I was before. I have to be honest and tell them that I was put on a medical leave of abcence, and that my position has been terminated since then. Were they to call for a reference thats what they would hear, so I certainly can't lie about it. It's not the what...it's simply the fact of a what From March 8th to May 11. Looks great for a resume.
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I saw an act of faith today. A man was on his knees, not in a pew in a Church, but in a garden planting seeds. ~~Unknown
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Gator
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #21 on: May 18th, 2004, 10:10pm » |
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Redd, I feel for you babe. I was put on medical leave Feb 3. I got a phone call last week saying that I was getting the old pink slip. Jobs around here are scarce as hens teeth, too. I know my situation isn't as bad as yours, but I do understand some of what you are feeling. Hang tough, kid. You can always get ahold of me via e-mail or you can pm me and we can talk on the phone - my dime, whatever you need.
Prayers and vibes for you.
Mike
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Leesa
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #22 on: May 18th, 2004, 10:57pm » |
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Redd, we got your back sista!! IT WILL GET BETTER!! That is a sure bet!! Everyone eles has said it too. Just do what you have to do and rem. we care and you have my number so call ANYTIME!! Im here for ya!! It's always darkest before the light. Someone famous said that I just wish I could rem. who the hell it was. LOL But you know me and my insanity plea! LMAO 
Love you lots, Leesa
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| « Last Edit: May 18th, 2004, 10:58pm by Leesa » |
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"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
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Kevin_M
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #23 on: May 18th, 2004, 11:12pm » |
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Redd, you got lots of sisters and brothers here now, stay with us no matter what happens. We'll support you and be here for you. Clusters, life, work, ups and downs, anything. Keep your spirits dear, keep your spirits.
much luv
Kevin M
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Aussie
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Re: Just needed to vent it....
« Reply #24 on: May 19th, 2004, 6:33am » |
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When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
Works for me.
Steve
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Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.
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