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Topic: Depression...... (Read 377 times) |
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Mark C
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Depression......
« on: May 14th, 2004, 9:40pm » |
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Depression is kicking my ass right now...another beast I have battled with for many years......I am tired. I have been treated and treated and most if not all of the meds have rat poison.....just not effective or the side effects are worse than the cure.......so for the last year or so I have not treated it chemically which for the most part has been better, until this bout.
I have seen shrink after shrink for the last 25 years, the last one about a month ago with the same, poor, predicitable results.
In my thinking brain I am very aware when this is happening, it's an old war. Most bouts are short and not as intense as this one. Right now I am really struggling.....I know it will pass, I also know it is a medical problem, but I feel really bad....disconnected...alone....in a dark place, for no apparent reason. I know it will pass, just like a good CH attack it always does....it is just rough going right now.
Several things may be contributing I think.....my Grandmothers B-day is coming the 16th...she was my best friend, Mother, Father and all around giver of truly unconditional love.....I miss her every day.
My poor dog...Moose...a 16 year old Lab is really in bad shape...we are going to have to put her to sleep. It really should have already been done....I just cant bring myself to do it...but she is so sick....blind....can barely walk. I carry her up and down the 3 steps out the door so she can use the bathroom....if not she just lays there in her own urine. It's ruined my carpet but I dont really care. I wish I was more......tough....or something to make this a little easier. She is twice as old as my oldest child for goodness sake.
Trying to explain to my children is hard. How do you explain this to a 4 and 8 year old that have had this member of the family since the day they came home from the hospital....I am still struggling with this one.
I mentioned that she may not be with us much longer to my 8 years old son....who is sensitive...and he begain to cry at the thought.......I wish I could protect my chilldren from pain...I know I cannot....but I wish I could. I know this is part of life...losing a loved one hurts...and it is killing me to see her (Moose) is such pain.....I have cried and cried...  so much for being a "tough" guy huh.
I have many thing to be grateful for....I am still PF, my kids are healthy and thriving, my job is OK.....things could be a lot worse...and have been....still.....I feel like shit.... 
This too shall pass......I know it will.
I also know sharing some of this with you, my extended family makes it a little easier and for that I thank and love you guys, and gals!
I am OK.....no sucidial thought or stuff like that....just a deep depression.....whew...I seem to be working so hard and getting nothing done....we all know that feeling.
Ramble....ramble.....ramble.....
Thanks Family,
Mark
PS- I wish my 2000th post could have been a little happier.
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Opus
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #1 on: May 14th, 2004, 9:51pm » |
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Mark,
I face the same battle, plus the beast. Antidepressants play hell with my head so I stay far away from them. I have treated myself in the past, by completing some projects that I had always wanted to do, but at that time I had a little time to be alone. Now that is no longer possible so depression is hitting hard. Sorry I can't help but you are not alone, actually no one is ever alone.
Opus/Paul
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #2 on: May 14th, 2004, 10:14pm » |
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on May 14th, 2004, 9:40pm, Mark C wrote:
I have many thing to be grateful for....I am still PF, my kids are healthy and thriving, my job is OK.....things could be a lot worse...and have been....still.....I feel like shit....
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Hey Mark, I go through the same thing,my friend.
It's an inside job...It doesn't matter what's on the outside. The outside is NEVER broke when we're ok on the inside. I know a guy that's been in a wheelchair since he was 10 years old. He doing real good. He's taught me alot.
With depression it's hard to start something that takes alot of work(for me anyway) I usually buy a car or something stupid like that.That takes no work. What I'm talking about is meditation. Have you thought about that? It's something that takes alot of patience and a little time every day.
You'll be fine. "Life is a gift to be cherished,not a problem to be solved." My buddy Frank in the wheelchair.
I'm sorry about your dog. Mine lived 16 years. The're wonderful companions.
Take it easy Mark,
...Mark..
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miapet
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #3 on: May 14th, 2004, 10:34pm » |
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*big hugs* I'm sorry things are hard right now . . .You have offered me (and many more) support when I have needed it . . .words of encouragement .. and been there if needed . . .
sending LOTS of *positive energy and light*
miapet
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JDH
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #4 on: May 14th, 2004, 11:43pm » |
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You're right Mark this too shall pass. It sounds like you do have a lot to be thankful for so try and focus on that. Stay positive brother and take it one day at a time.
Jim
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Mr. Happy
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Depress THIS........
« Reply #5 on: May 15th, 2004, 12:00am » |
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Man.....I'm so depressed, I just come here for a pick me up. Nothing like a breath of fresh air.
Ever foward........
Just passin thru,
RJ
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #6 on: May 15th, 2004, 12:06am » |
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Mark,
I share your struggle. I think it is not uncommon for us clusterheads for some reason. Antidepressants don't work for me either. The side effects are worse than the disease to me. I have had some good success though with St John's Wort. It takes about three weeks for it to take full effect although you will start to feel a difference a little sooner. The only side effect I found with it is a nagging headache all the time, but after CH hardly noticeable. Give me a yell anytime if I can help. We will pray for you.
Jerry
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #7 on: May 15th, 2004, 12:07am » |
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Sorry to hear you are bummed...your kids are healthy and thriving...everything else is secondary. Hang in there my friend!
Kev
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Lizzie2
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #8 on: May 15th, 2004, 12:45am » |
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Hiya Mark,
I, too, have struggled with depression for a good long while. Not as long as most because I'm still pretty young, but probably one of the deepest times for me was in 97-99 when I was in high school. Since getting all of the headache problems, I have had some pretty low periods.
It is hard. Nobody can understand what it feels like when you just cry for days on end over things that seem small to other people. It doesn't make sense. The part where you feel better seems so far away.
But it does come. Sometimes out of the blue you wake up and have a day where you don't feel so bad. I always live for those days. And the fact that I have those days makes me not loose all hope when everything seems so dark.
You are blessed because of your children and your "other" family here.  It helps so much to have a place to come to where people will understand. We don't walk in each other's shoes, but we can all relate to at the very least...the pain of cluster headaches...and many times we can relate to many more things than that.
Hang in there, and I really hope that you start feeling better soon!! I've never really had success with the antidepressants either.
Hugz to you!!
Lizzie
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ZAIRA
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #9 on: May 15th, 2004, 7:54am » |
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Hey Hillbilly.... feel like a shit, feel depressed, cry and be angry… go out and beat someone (I mean someone that deserve it  )…
It is ok and one of many bad crossings in the long road of the life… and it will pass...
Always on your side,  Big Hugs my friend! CIAO! 
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #10 on: May 15th, 2004, 9:13am » |
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catlind
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #11 on: May 15th, 2004, 9:20am » |
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Mark,
Things will get better, they always do, and then we look back and wonder how we made it through. I'm in that same spot right now, between utter terror and total submission to the darkness of depression.
Make me a promise that you will act on nothing without calling me or Rox first.
Luv ya
Cat
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Elaine
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Mark your post hits home.
I think depression is caused by holding things in. We need to vent.
Your dog is a member of the family. I think when you put a pet to sleep its the kidness act you will ever give your pet. No more pain! You and the family will morn thats ok. You loved the dog and gave the dog a good home. Some dogs never know love. Your dog will live on in all your hearts. Your children will be ok they will hurt. Its something we can not protect them from. Love them let them morn with you. Let them cry they will understand someday. I guess a dog gives so much unconditional love that they are needed more in heaven than humans!
Take care Mark and know your going to be ok. Vent all you want your not alone and your understood here.
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RevDeFord
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #13 on: May 15th, 2004, 10:56am » |
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Mark,
One of the things that used to make my depression worse was the "guilt factor", meaning that I had a beautiful wife, great son, great job, great everything, and yet I felt like crap. I used to feel bad that I felt bad. I used to say, "Well, I am a Christian, I shouldn't feel this way."
Then I studied the prophet Elijah, who was one of the most powerful prophets in the Bible. He has a mountaintop experience where he convinces Israel that serving Baal and God just doesn't work. It is truly a powerful story. The next chapter, he runs for his life from Jezebel who is out to kill him. He goes into a deep depression where all he wants to do is sleep and pray that God would take his life.
After reading this story, I realized that even the most powerful, well put together people in the world go through times of depression. That helped me lessen mine.
I will pray for you Marc. You have been a friend, and I want to be yours.
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writer
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #14 on: May 15th, 2004, 2:52pm » |
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Dear Mark,
I am terribly sorry to hear about your beloved dog. Of COURSE you're depressed. And f COURSE this will be a terrific blow to your children, when you make the fateful decision.
Don't denigrate your feelings. That dog is a beloved member of your family, and not anything less. You are (literally) dealing with the coming of death to a member of your family.
Spend all the time you can with Moose. Encourage your children to do that too. In the long run, doing this will help you as well as your beloved pet.
I am not a churchgoer. I like to say I "don't do dogma." But when all else fails and depression threatens to paralyze me, I try to do a little of the "attitude of gratitude" the AA people recommend. This means to get quiet and take a minute to deeply realize all that is good, no matter how small, in your one and only life. And then thank God, your Higher Power, the Universe, Jesus, Allah, or whatever Mysterious Something you sometimes feel, for all the people, blessings, help and lessons which keep coming your way off and on through the years.
Smile at strangers on the street or on the bus or subway. Give other cars the right of way. Forgive someone for something.
Maybe most important, to me anyway, is this: In your head, day and night, say good things about YOURSELF. Notice when you think, say or do anything that you approve of, and silently commend yourself. Commend yourself often. Become the silent good parent to that struggling child within that will be with you needing approval for the rest of your life. No matter how hard, look in a mirror and smile at yourself. You deserve that and a lot more too, being like all of us, a Child of God. .
Recommended reading: Louise Hay's YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE. In pocket book, most book stores. I will hold you in thought--you and Moose too.
Writer
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Mark C
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #15 on: May 15th, 2004, 9:20pm » |
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All I can say is wow....thank you all so very much.
I love this place....and you people!
Mark-who-got-some-sun-and-feels-a-little-better-today!
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jonny
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on May 15th, 2004, 2:52pm, writer wrote:| Maybe most important, to me anyway, is this: In your head, day and night, say good things about YOURSELF. Notice when you think, say or do anything that you approve of, and silently commend yourself. Commend yourself often. |
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Man!!, Thats what I do Mark, I say to myself "Dude, you are hung, good looking with great hair and every chick wants you".......This is where the depression kicks in...I aint been laid in two and a half years......LMMFAO
Hang tough Bro.......You got my cell....Nashville is just around your corner and mine.
.............................................jonny
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #17 on: May 15th, 2004, 10:25pm » |
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Are you smiling right now sweetie??
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jonny
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on May 15th, 2004, 10:25pm, Roxy wrote:Are you smiling right now sweetie??
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mynm156
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #19 on: May 15th, 2004, 10:37pm » |
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GOOD VIBES TO U MAN!!!
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #20 on: May 17th, 2004, 1:04am » |
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Mark,
Hope things are a bit better for you today.
You know, they say that love conquers all........
There's a lot of love here on this board for you, sweetie!
I am sure that we all go thru some periodic form of depression. I lost my best friend...my precious Dad, 10 years ago in March. It's a hurdle that I just cannot get over. Like you, I have to try to deal with it one day at a time.
We all have to try and make the best of the bad times. The good thing is that there are so many great people on this board. You're not alone...and you know that we are here for you anytime.
I sincerely wish you the best, Mark. Hope things get much better for you, real soon.
Jean
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #21 on: May 17th, 2004, 2:13am » |
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Hi Mark,
(A re-post of a reaching out for help message I made a long time ago ... we're here and understand!)
My mother was visiting once and must have noticed the frustration and depression in my eyes, and her loving concern for me goes deeper than just my physical pain.
As hard as it was for her to do, she asked how I was holding up emotionally and if I was losing faith?
I often write to myself in Word programs before, during and after attacks. Many of which I quickly delete lest anyone should find them and decide to put me away. To reassure her, I printed out one such message (never meant to be read by anyone) and she felt better. My brother was visitig too, and also read it, he said it should be posted here for others who might feel the same way. I was hesitant, again because I had never meant for anyone to read this.
But, I was reading the archives again, and saw the subject of anger and pain come up often, so I've changed my mind. So, for what it's worth, here are some ramblings of a fellow clusterhead just coming down off a severe attack late one night:
"WAR"
I could never pretend to pit one pain against another. There is no such yardstick. Pain is pain in its own sake, and takes on many forms. Many of which can only be known to the beholder.
Sometimes it helps to just talk. To let it all out. To curse those torturous demons that rip away at our heart, claw and grate at our minds, trying with all their might to eat away at our very soul. They are strong and relentless, never ceasing. They work from the inside, but manifest themselves outwardly, both physically and emotionally. They want not only us, but those around us.
How can I protect myself? How can I protect those around me? These demons can drop me to my knees in seconds begging for mercy. They can brutalize my concepts of logic, emotion, will ... and sadly beat me down to the point of losing faith and hence respect for my own life. Then I am nothing.
I cannot allow this. I will not allow this. There are weapons to fight these demons, but my stength is weak to grasp them. One hand is already full of pride, I must drop it in order to have two free hands to receive these implements of war to battle these beasts. I hold so tightly to that pride as if it were my last defense, all the while knowing it is my demise. In anguish, I release it.
There is a faint but solid voice, "My Grace is sufficient for thee, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." This Grace fills the void left in my empty hand where pride once ruled. Where pride had failed, the Grace of God now slashes through the demons sending them scattering for hiding places.
I feel the gentle lifting of my other hand by family and friends, they would be there to lift me when I fell, to bandage my war wounds, to prepare me to stand again.
The demons only consider this a temporary setback. They reorganize, and spread to new bunkers. Their commander is wise to this type of battle and has defeated it before. Time. He is the master of time. He uses it well. He has specialized forces in camouflage. He knows his victim has already built up a certain degree of pain tolerance, in fact, to a point that others around them could not see the pain, (they are conditioned to the full on attacks). So, these demons secretly do their discrete attacks in the shadows, and the victim rarely makes too much ado about it. Victims tend to feel guilty about being a burden to those whose lives they've interrupted, unfounded ... true, but these demons have done much damage to their preys minds. Time ... maybe a day or two. The victim is fatigued, but will (along with the prodding of others) attempt to get back to life as they knew it. Easy steps at first, some simple chores, ignore the shadows and press on. The Beast loves to give that faint bit of hope before ambushing his victim again with full force!
The extreme pain is the intial onslaught, but the true arsenal is much more devastating. It's called Anger. Anger is the Beasts best weapon. The excruiating pain sends the victim whirling out of control, hands flailing, grasping for the first thing they can reach. The Beast Master of time knows this, and the barrage of agony bolts endlessly and with such savagery the victim has no time to think. So, they turn on themselves, foolishly hoping to rent the demons out by any means possible. But it cannot be done ...
Anger.
Anger bursts through our veins like boiling steam, electrical fires spark through our heads, nerves dangle like broken live wires in a a storm. We run down the corridors of our minds, hands outstretched, reaching for someone to grasp them. The demons slither out of the creases in the folds of our brains and slash at us, they hang from above and drive spikes into our skulls. For every three feet we run forward, we are drug back two, but we push on and on.
Eternity ... the time of the Beast! It will never end!
But, I know they are there, I know I can't clutch my hand to anger, nor my other to pride, or I will lose the battle. Keep reaching, reaching, know ... it will be there ... and it is. Grace fills one hand and love from family and friends the other. I can feel the evil spirits shrink and hollow back into the shadows down into the deep crevasses of my mind.
More bandages ... more time?
Oh well, as J. Joplin would say, " That's it!"
Dave
(Mark! we have plenty of those hands and bandages for ya anytime!)
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stevegeebe
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #22 on: May 17th, 2004, 7:34am » |
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Mark C,
I consider you my first friend here. One of the best.
Go take a hike in those GSM.
I'm pulling for you my friend.
Steve G
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #23 on: May 17th, 2004, 9:30am » |
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Hope a hug helps.
I know how you feel, I get pretty low myself sometimes, Just hang in there.
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Re: Depression......
« Reply #24 on: May 17th, 2004, 4:48pm » |
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Glad you got some sun and are feeling better. Hang tough! We are all here for you.
Gator
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