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Topic: UNSUPPORTAVE! (Read 1001 times) |
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Mark C
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UNSUPPORTAVE!
« on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:22pm » |
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I am at my wits end,
For reasons unknown to me my "wife" has continued a pattern of not only being unsupportive but downright defiant about my having anything to do with OUCH, CH.com or the convention. After 24 years one might figure I would understand her motivation but alas, I do not. Repeated attempts at communication about this situation have only resulted in a widening of the chasm. I have done all I know to do and now feel I am being forced to choose between using the resources available to me through the MB, OUCH and CH.com and just deleting my profile, resigning from OUCH and donating my convention registration.
One her favorite arguments is "it takes time from family". Bullshit....I have been pain free since October because of this MB. If anything this year alone I have gained 3 or 4 months of pain free time I never had.....I just don't understand.
OUCH meetings take a few hours a month...big deal....it has provided many with help and hope including me.
I am so jealous of you guys that have family that support them. It is very hard to not only fight the beast along with everything else life has to offer AND fight my wife for me seeking help with something she has experienced with me for 24 years! What the fuck is going on!?
At this time I am seriously considering just saying fuck it to the whole thing....I don’t know what to do. I am so tired of being upset about this.....it don’t make sense to me.
Why does my wife not support me? Does she like my pain?! WTF!
Thanks for letting me rant, I am sure I will calm down...in time.
Mark
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thomas
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I truly hate to see one of the good guys takin' it in the shorts like that. You are always one of the most supportive people here, it sux that it isn't reciprocated. Damn, don't know what to say, except I'm here for ya.
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Roxy
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #2 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:34pm » |
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Call me......I won't be on the road tonight....too many tornadoes all around.
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cootie
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #3 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:36pm » |
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She's jealous Mark.....even tho she mite not even know it to say so or won't.......but that's probly the answer......she probly resents you bein on the computer with your OTHER family and goin to meetings for your OTHER family. I've seen ALOT of this shit go on with different events or life styles with friends thru all these years. Best if you can work it to NOT discuss it.....closed subject......and go on doin what you do here and with her.....cuz all coversation probly leads to ARGUEMENTS. Don't argue back.....sounds strange and your proly are peggin me for a total NUTCASE rite now. But I really have seen this situation a MILLION times. It becomes a never ending battle until someone says something they shouldn't say in anger and steps it up a notch. Too bad she can't let you be yourself.........bow down to no one and stand your ground Pam
Seems to me your a pretty well liked guy on here......and important.........hopein you can keep both worlds
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Superpain
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #4 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:38pm » |
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That sux...
I just recently got married, and my wife a while back was not very understanding or supportive either. She has since come around after I had a stearn talk with her, but I know how you feel.
I say fuck it... Stay here, go to the convention and tell her to get over it. What's she gonna do? Divorce you?
Obviously you've tried to make her understand to no avail. Maybe try some more? A different approach?
If she doesn't, she doesn't...
But I'm here to tell you even if you are married there's a good chance that you'll have the headaches longer than you'll have her, in one way or another... And the beast demands that he take precedence over all matters, family or not.
I don't understand some people... That is so fucked up that some significant others can't even try to understand this shit. If they only knew what it's like to have to deal with the pain, and then the life changing relief we recieve from the support of this board. I truly wish we had the power to touch someones head and give them the ch for a few seconds. Maybe then they'd get a fucking clue... 
Of course the military would snatch us up and use us as weapons if we could do that, so... 
I hope it gets better for you.
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Chris
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Woobie
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #5 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:52pm » |
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mark
I cant see why she's being like that... maybe she's jealous....
Does she come to the board?? Get her ass to the supporter's section and maybe she can work out some of the "issues" she's having. I cant see that she doens't CARE.
Maybe she's just mad SHE cant help you.
I get that way sometimes..... wish I could help him. Feel useless - while everyone on HERE is so helpful. Maybe she just needs to get on here herself!
I hope you dont quit OUCH... and I hope you can come to the convention... I would love to meet you!
tina 
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Cathi04
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #6 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:56pm » |
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Mark.....This really saddens me....I soo enjoy your posts..and I think YOU get a lot out of this forum....
I hope your wife will open her heart to CH, and discover what so many here have...this is a GREAT PLACE....and there is room for her as well...
Hoping for a solution,
Cathi
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Redd
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #7 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:57pm » |
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Well hun,
You know I feel your pain right now...you know I do in the worst possible way. And there is nothing I can say to help and that is the bite in the a$$ about it. I wasn't married to my non-supporter. He bailed. So be it. But you have to take care of you and your battle with the beast. Maybe the closed issue is an option maybe not. Only you can decide what path is going to work for you. But this is where we all are getting the information to become as PF as we can, and deal with what we can't alone.
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vig
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Re: UNSUPPORTIVE!
« Reply #8 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:00pm » |
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A crappy supporter is worse than no supporter at all.
my $.02
-p
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Woobie
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Re: UNSUPPORTIVE!
« Reply #9 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:02pm » |
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on Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:00pm, vig wrote:A crappy supporter is worse than no supporter at all.
my $.02
-p |
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I dont know Vig - a crappy supporter can make things WORSE. If you had no supporter - it's better than having one in your face all the time being a bitch.
I wouldn't wish anyone not to have any support... but if it's just negative - you're better off.. I think
my 
tina
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Karla
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #10 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:10pm » |
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My husband felt the exact same way. He acted very possesive of my time and didn't like me in chat or on the message board. He said it took my time away from the family and they already had such little time with me. I comprimised. I stay out of chat and just post on the message board. But since then my husband has come to be a much better supporter since I was able to get him on the message board also. He learned alot and could finally see the value of it to me. I think it is key that you somehow get your wife involved. Good luck in working this all out.
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Karla
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Woobie
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #11 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:14pm » |
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Well Vig - I read what you said WRONG - sorry.
I agree - LOL - we agree... I am a moron.
tina 
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jonny
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on Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:22pm, Mark C wrote:| One her favorite arguments is "it takes time from family". |
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My reply to that would be "WELL IF I HAD SOME GOD DAMN FUCKING SUPPORT FROM YOUR ASS I MAY NOT NEED TO GO THERE SO OFTEN!!!!"
You hang the fuck in there bro, you have my cell.....use it if you want to talk.
.............................jonny
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Woobie
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #13 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:22pm » |
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on Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:18pm, jonny wrote:
My reply to that would be "WELL IF I HAD SOME GOD DAMN FUCKING SUPPORT FROM YOUR ASS I MAY NOT NEED TO GO THERE SO OFTEN!!!!"
You hang the fuck in there bro, you have my cell.....use it if you want to talk.
.............................jonny
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WELL SAID Jonny.
Bravo....
 to you Mark!!
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Charlie
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #14 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:22pm » |
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Rats Mark.
You're one of the best posters and supporters here. All I can think of isn't fun for us. Maybe you need to take some time off but please don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Maybe all it takes is a little time.
Don't wanna lose ya.
Charlie
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Tiannia
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #15 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 6:56pm » |
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Mark I understand completly. It is so very hard to explain that this family does not take preferance from them, but that this is a place that you dont have to explain it. I know that it does not help and does not make it any easier. If is very hard when it is someone that you are married to and committed to. The whole, kids house blah blah blah...
But to be honest, I think Cootie has the right idea. If she is picking the fight with you, she wants to to attack back because then she will feel justified in her opinion. If you dont givve her that option then she has to look at what she is attacking.
Hollar at us in chat. They were a god send to me the other night. Kept me sane and the next day, he backed off because I did not fight with him. He yelled and I just let him and asked "if he was done?" Took the wind out of his sails. About an hour later he appoligied and we talked.
Does it mean that it wont happen again? Probably not, but it at least gives me a better way to handle it then feel like i havee to be the loser to make him happy.
I am sorry and I do understand.
-Tia
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BlueMeanie
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Mark,
My supporter never gives me any problems when it comes to dealing with the actual CH's and with the cash it takes to abort them, but when things get a little hot around my house, she usually brings up the fact that I spend too much time on the computer reading what this family has to say.
I made her come here and read a little to understand why i'm here. In most cases, I think non-sufferers may never fully understand our situation. There a a few exceptions here such as Jackie, Woobie and others, but i think they are rare individuals to find when it comes to supporting CH's.
I know the beast is gonna be with me the rest of my life so if I need support by reading post from all you fellow clusterheads that's what i'm gonna do regardless of whatever anyone else says.
Try to at least get her to read some of the guest book postings. If she reads the sad stories from other sufferers, maybe she'll look back at your last 24 yrs with the beast and cut you a little slack.
Hope you can work it out. No reason you can't have 2 families with the situation you're in.
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kimh
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #17 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 7:22pm » |
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Mark,
I read your post and had to respond! Marriage is tough. Brian (my husband) has had his moments too with not liking me coming here. It can be threatening to see your spouse so immersed outside the relationship. We had a few down right tense discussions about it. It has ironed out but it took some time and like i said - a few "arguments - imeandiscussions" LOL. 
I hope you and your wife can work it out together and get past it together  It will take patience on both your parts and a willingness from both of ya to 'bend' a lil.
I hated that Brian felt angry about my finding a support group. I felt angry and also could not understand why HE was angry about something i considered so positive.
We all have lives outside of our "cluster situation" lol. I know me and Brian have three kids and a mortgage, and we struggle all the time to be all things for our family. It is hard. Maybe your wife feels overwhelmed with stuff herself. Mebbe yas need a quiet dinner and some "tawk time" with one anuther
Well wishes Marc. Things work out.
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Ree
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #18 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 7:34pm » |
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No problem Marc if Dave croaks your IN... I'd be lonely with out a headcase in my life..............ree
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Pinkfloyd
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #19 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 7:43pm » |
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on Apr 23rd, 2004, 5:22pm, Mark C wrote:
she has experienced with me for 24 years! What the fuck is going on!?
Why does my wife not support me? Does she like my pain?! WTF!
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Well Mark, not knowing ANYTHING about your relationship over the last 24 years, I can only venture a guess based upon assumptions that may or may not be correct. So, here I go, rambling again.....may not be popular rambling based upon some of the recent replies but it is my rambling and just my opinions. 
If she's supported you and lived with you AND clusters for 24 years, I'd say this isn't about "clusters."
We all know, including our supporters, that clusters don't only affect the cluster "owner" but the entire family. When you broke the cycle, so did she, in essence. Just as some clusterers want to resume and enjoy a "normal" life as soon as the cycle breaks, so to do the supporters that have been suffering right along with them all those years.
Just as some of your dreams have probably been trampled upon, so too have everyone else's in the family. If she wasn't bitching and complaining about this for the last 24 years, then maybe all she would like is a little of that "normal" life that we ALL long for when we're in the middle of a cycle.
I'm sure she is as thankful as you are about the break. Many people (millions) can not understand how people can spend hours typng into a computer screen (like me lol) when there are "real" people sitting in the next room we could be interacting with. Its not something that can be explained. If they don't understand that connection, it doesn't mean they are wrong. It just means they were never affected by a "computer screen" the way some of us have. They see a screen and we see people. We see people that have helped us and people that we in turn can help. Your wife may just be asking "why doesn't he see me?"
Sort of like some people liking movies and others wanted to read the book instead.
Maybe she just feels as if she used to lose you to clusters and now she's losing you to a computer.
JMHO, but if she's stuck with you for 24 years (some people aren't that lucky, as you know) then she deserves some "cluster free" time too. One of (and probably the most important one in her mind) the things she lost during your cycles was.....you.
Maybe, as was suggested, a compromise is in order. Maybe lay off all the computer work for now, take her to the convention, and maybe she then can put some faces and living/breathing people into that computer like you (and all of us) have.
Since we are the ones that feel the pain, I think we are a little more prone to want to help others relieve that pain if at all possible, and to pay back the ones that helped us through it. We know how much it means to help someone unburden themselves and their family. Only we can understand the bonds that are made. No one else could understand or should be expected to understand. It's certainly what keeps me typing away regarding psilocybin.
Like people that fight a war together, the bonds that are formed on the front lines can never be fully understood by the civilians, so to speak. They're just happy to have them home, and proud of them. Who wouldn't want to spend some alone time with their own personal hero?
Hope all works out Mark, for everyone.
BobW
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Mark C
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #20 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 8:28pm » |
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Thank all of you for your support...which has been overwhelming...[blush].
Many things suggested have been tried such as getting her involved etc.....some have not.
I have much to ruminate on and I am no longer on the "pity pot"....thanks guys, and gals!
Hell, it's not like I have anywhere else to go...this is the last house on the end of the street for this Clusterhead.
Things could be a lot worse....thank you all for support and some perspective...I love you guys!
Mark
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Virginia
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #21 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 8:32pm » |
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Mark,
I hate to hear something like this. I know how frustrating it is. We can't explain the bonds of the "family" to those on the outside.
I really hope that you can help her understand your need to be here and desire to work with OUCH for the cause. You have been such a great support to others here, you deserve to have some support you can count on at home.
It would really be a great loss for us if you had to leave the board over this. I remember how excited you were when you found your "cure" and I for one would miss your posts.
Dont' give up, maybe just try to compromise.
If all else fails, KICK HER TO THE CURB.
V.
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Cerberus
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #22 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 9:03pm » |
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Woobie like to jump right on in....hehe she's exitable what can I say?
The Irony here for me is that, after reading your post I thought almost the exact same thing Pink said in his initial comments. I figure it had to be that or you missed/forgot or otherwise ignored something she deemed important.
either way, if that was the case the opportunity is lost and there is no point complaining about it now. chastitzation would have best be served as a reminder or afterthought to whatever it was that was overlooked.
If Pink and my original thoughts were the case...it should be noticed that paranoia of a sufferer, at least in my opinion, is natural. The nature of the beast is to make one trust nothing or be extremely wary in his own favor. In short, better safe than sorry.
Sorry to hear of your struggles to see eye to eye, this too shall pass.
Ramon
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #23 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 9:43pm » |
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Mark,
I hope things get worked out for you.
I am fortunate...my husband understands 100% my need for this site and this "extended family". He has met several other sufferers. He was able to attend the Dallas meet & greet.....and even though he was working in Ft. Worth at the time, and had an apartment, he wanted me to be able to spend time with my ch family. He insisted that instead of staying with him....I should stay at a hotel so Jackie, Elaine and I could have our time together.
He doesn't have the answers for this damned affliction, but he's perfectly willing for me to do whatever I feel I need to in order to deal with it. I am so very thankful that I have such a great supporter. I am even more thankful for you and my other brothers and sisters on this board.
Thank you for all you do. I hope you know how much you are appreciated here.
Sending you some "sisterly" love and lots of vibes...
Jean
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Linda_Howell
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Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
« Reply #24 on: Apr 23rd, 2004, 10:24pm » |
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Mark,
Even though I haven't met you in person I feel like I know you fairly well. And one thing I think I know about you is that you can....MULTI-TASK.
Get my drift? You can give her the attention she needs as well as be here at ch.com and OUCH.
Linda
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